Getting "Them" Off My Chest: August 2019

Well I made it through my last chemo appointment. I say it that way, because yesterday was a hard day. I think there was so much excitement and celebration around that actual last appointment, and that feeling of making it..but yesterday, going on day 5 of feeling like absolute crap, and my hair still shedding, it just hit me that I'm not quite there yet. I did the thing, I got the meds, but they're still in my body for quite some time, creating all the lovely havoc that they do. I guess I just felt like after Wednesday last week, and making it through the toughest days after, it should feel a little conquering a Ninja Warrior course or something. Like there should be some sort of buzzer I should get to just hit and just end this all. Boom! I'm done! I made it...now go.

It struck me yesterday that this isn't quite exactly how this works, and that was a hard day to deal with. First I need to let these awful, yet wonderfully lifesaving drugs, work their magic. Then, there is that next step of learning how to deal with what is next. Like I said, I want that buzzer to hit. I did my part. I fought this. I lost my boobs. I lost hair. It was a rough summer. Let's move on. But how do you move on from this? My statistics are promising. I'm so lucky for that. But nothing is guaranteed and that is hard. I want so badly to say chemo is done forever..but I find myself pausing in the back of my head and hearing that little voice that says...I hope. I don't want to hear that little voice. I want to move forward with courage and confidence and say, I am done with chemo FOREVER!!! I want to shout it! Maybe it's because I didn't get to ring that darn bell lol! Apparently ringing the bell is kind of a big right of passage when you finish cancer.

Well at my infusion center, would you believe that someone complained about the bell, because for some people, my dad included, chemo is just part of life. There isn't an end date or a finish line. So apparently the bell was offensive to some and they took it out. That makes me sad, but what can you do. Looks like I might need to find some sort of bell to ring myself lol!

Then there are photos like this that strike me to.my.core. This popped up on my Facebook timeline this morning. Avery dancing with her daddy when she was little.

I remember exactly the moment when I snapped that, flashing forward to her future and thinking about her future wedding someday and wondering what it would be like. Now, what this awful, cancer has done is completely changed the way I think about stuff like that. Now I see this photo today and my first thought was just please dear God let me be at her wedding someday. Please let me make it to that day. Let me be here to raise my babies. Those are NOT the thoughts a mama of an 11, 7 and 4 year old should have and I hate that I have them, but I do right now. I'm not quite sure yet how to switch that or when it does. I know this is all a process and this is one step on the journey.

So for now, as I recover from this last chemo and get ready for this next phase, I'd love it if you could please send some prayers my way that I move into this next phase, and that I can try to find some peace for how to move forward without the terrifying thought of this disease consuming every moment. If you've done it, I'd love any tips or advice that might've helped you too. I really am confident I will get there. I know it's a process, but darn it, I just want to enjoy being done! I just sure wish there was that magic buzzer that I could slam and say PEACE OUT CANCER!

Oh my gosh, last night Cullen asked me if I had updated here in awhile. I knew it had been a little while, but didn't realize quite how long! Yikes! Where did July go? Oh my goodness! So my lack of updating here is due to two things really...we were on vacation and thoroughly enjoying SUMMER - and then round three happened and kicked.my.butt. When I first got my schedule of chemo, I was crushed, as I figured it would completely ruin our summer. I was so sad for my kids. I thought I would basically be a lump all summer, and not be able to do anything fun with them, but we stuck it to cancer! We did NOT let it ruin our summer at all!

At the beginning of July my brother and his girlfriend were home visiting from Columbus, so we soaked up lots of great family time. Just after they left, we packed up the good ol' family minivan and headed for FLORIDA! My mom joined us, and we stayed in Fort Walton Beach, which is basically Destin, and enjed every darn second of the beach, the pool, reading, eating, resting, relaxing and just really enjoying some time together. It was the best. To be super honest, it was so great to be able to have a week where it really didn't even feel like I had cancer. My oncologist added in an extra round that week, so I was feeling pretty much totally normal! It felt so good. It was nice to go about and just be mom for the week.

But, all good things must come to an end, and we got home on Sunday, July 21 and I had round three on July 24. That one seriously kicked my butt. It took a good extra few days to recover from this last round. I was pretty much out of commission for nearly the whole following week. It was rough. This was the first time I was really pretty bitter about missing stuff. I missed going to the fair with my family. My kids always love doing that. I missed my girls' track meet, which really upset me, but there was no way it was happening. Thank goodness for the best grandparents that were there to cheer them on and support them. I've said a million times, but SO thankful for family and friends.

Then, just when I thought I had kicked it, I broke out in hives. I had hives a bit after the last round, but nothing a little Benadryl couldn't handle. I thought the same thing was happening this time, so I tried some Benadryl, but it just kept getting worse, until Sunday morning when I woke up and I looked like Will Smith in the movie Hitch. My face was swollen. My eye was swollen shut. My ear was swollen. It was terribly itchy. It was quite a sight. I earned myself a trip to urgent care and a pretty heavy dose of prednisone for the week. In fact, I took my last dose today. Just in time to start more steroids on Tuesday next week. Next time I will have to take the steroids I really, very strongly dislike for an extra 5 days after chemo, in hopes it keeps them from happening at all. So many steroids, which just suck to be honest. They just make me feel really crappy. But, if they help, it's what we will do. So this around has been really rough, and it's tough to belief I have to go on again Wednesday for more. But...it's my LAST ROUND!!!

Did you hear that? LAST ROUND!!! I've been prepared that this one will likely be rough as well, but I think mentally I will just be in such a better place knowing that it's over, and I don't have to do it again! I can't believe it's finally here. When this all began, I apologized to everyone that there really has never been a summer that I have wished will go by fast, but I did this summer, and it absolutely has. This last round is Wednesday and I have exactly one week to feel better before school pretty much begins! We have a big day for our 5th graders on the 21st that I'm so hoping I will be able to be at, and I start workshops on the 22nd. So please keep me in your prayers for a speedy bounce back this round, and that I will be ready to go!

In this past week of feeling good, I've been able to finally sneak in some senior photo sessions, which has been so good too. I love doing that each summer and I've really missed it. I've managed to sneak in 5 sessions this week before this next round, and it has been so nice to get back to doing something I love! We also have been able to sneak in a day date to Vikings Training Camp, and just last night we took the girls to a Twins game. We were gifted some pretty amazing seats through a caregiver support group Cullen is part of. They were right behind the Twins dugout! It was so much fun, and we all had a blast! It's been SO important to me this summer that when I do feel well, we try to do as much as we can. I know cancer has taken a lot from us this summer, but it has not ruined it at all. We really have still been able to have a really great summer!

How about the hair? Well when I've run into some people, I get the look that I can tell they are trying to figure out if it's my hair or my wig. I've been so fortunate that my hair has been hanging on. It's super thin and feels totally different to me, and if the wind blows just right or it isn't parted just right I'm sure you can see some balder patches, but I've been able to hold on so far with my hair. The wig is pretty hot, so I'm thankful for that for this summer. It's just been such a wonderful blessing, to still just feel a little like myself. I think it's been so big for my kids too, to have me still just look like mom. I know they would've adjusted fine if I had lost it at all, but I'm so thankful for advances in technology that allow people to have this option. I still have some shedding, but nothing like the week where it was coming out in clumps. That was just such an emotionally traumatic week.

I was also able to finally set my surgery date for the day to get these awful tissue expanders out, and swap them for my permanent implants! October 9!!! I have been looking forward to this day since I woke up from surgery back in April. There really is no way to sugarcoat these bad boys. They SUCK. They do. They are so uncomfortable. They've made sleeping difficult. They've made snuggling my babies, and having them sit on my lap and lay back on me difficult. They've made my back sore. They've made finding clothing to wear a bit difficult, where you don't see the indents they make on my skin. They just are not fun. There is no way around it. I can't WAIT to get them out! In fact, it was hard to push it to October, as I couldn't done it a month after chemo, but that would be right at the very beginning of the school year, and I know taking off a week of school so early isn't ideal for anyone. So, we're fitting it in so I can recover around MEA break and miss a little less time, so I was super lucky to be able to schedule it then. I can't wait!!! You better believe that date is marked HUGE on my calendar!

So here we are. WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14..MY LAST DAY OF CHEMO!! Can you even believe it? I can't!!! Thank you all so much for all of the prayers along the way. I can't believe we're to this point. I think I've said it at the end of all of my posts here, but thank you all so, so much. Thank you for the meals, for the cards, the flowers, the gifts, for the hugs, for helping with our kids, for supporting Cullen, for supporting my kids and for the prayers. We wouldn't have made it this far without you all. So if I could just ask for prayers this time that this last round goes smoothly, with little side effects and a speedy recovery so I will be ready to rock when school starts. Also prayers that it happens on Wednesday. Beckett seems to have a bit of a cold, and I'm starting to panic a little that I will get it and things will be pushed back. I think we're going to be just fine, but these are the things I think about now! Enjoy your weekend! Some pics below of what we've been busy doing this summer, in between chemo! SUCK IT CANCER! You did not ruin our summer...not at all!

Twins game with the girls!