What Makes A Woman?

What makes a woman? Clearly it's more than boobs and hair..but let's just chat about this a moment.  When I met with the lady at the wig store the other day, she said something that I've been thinking so much about.  She is a breast cancer survivor as well, and as I was sitting their crying my little eyes out, she said that while she was going through her battle, her oncologist told her something.  Cancer is a nasty beast.  It is ALL nasty.   ALL OF IT.  It is cruel and unforgiving.  Yet what makes breast cancer uniquely nasty in it's own way, is that it is such an assault on a woman's femininity.  This has stuck with me.  It is so, so true.  Those things that outwardly seem to define us as women...breasts, hair, weight...things we place so much value on and emphasis on what makes us a "beautiful woman" are all just assaulted.   Of course we can all say that as woman we are obviously so much more than that, and we are. We are moms, daughters, friends, sisters, warriors, teachers..the list goes on and on.  Clearly, we are SO much more than boobs, hair and a body.  But, if I'm being honest with myself, and I think many of you could agree right there with me, I do worry way too much about what I look like..my hair, my body, my weight, all of those things that supposedly define me, and that make me deem myself a "beautiful woman."

My dark roots start to show, I highlight my hair.  I start to put on some extra weight, I kick up the workouts or pay better attention to my eating.  I try to choose clothes that make me look thin, or show off the areas I want to emphasize.  The curves the breasts give the body of a woman.  All of these things I know I valued way more than I should.  That may make me sound shallow or vain, but I'm being real and I bet many of you are right there with me.  It's just the truth.   I challenge you to just think for a moment about how you would feel, faced with losing these parts of your identity as a woman.  It's breathtakingly difficult, and I think if anyone would say it isn't, you might not be being honest with yourself either.

The mastectomy took my boobs.  The medicine to fight the cancer is taking my hair. The steroids and the chemo are actually making me gain weight just because, so for someone that has battled food and body issues for much of my life, having no control over this is very, very hard.  So many people have said to me, "It's just hair" or "They're just boobs, you will get new ones!" If you've said this to me, or anyone else going through something like this, I know you mean well. I've probably said the same thing to someone.  Please don't feel the need to apologize for saying this.  I so appreciate the thought behind it.  I know how well intentioned it was, and I've probably joked about it myself.   But you guys, it is SO much more than hair.  It is SO much more than boobs.  When she said to me, "It's an assault on a women's femininity" it just struck a chord. It is so, so hard. I'm so blessed to have a husband, family and friends that I know love me all the same whether I'm bald, boobless, bigger, smaller, it doesn't matter.  But it doesn't take away the enormous difficulty of this part of the disease. It is HARD guys.  It's also so much more than just worrying about what I look like.  I'm really kind of getting past that.  It just goes so much deeper than that.

I shared these thoughts with my friend Jill this morning when she sent me a message and asked how I was doing emotionally...loaded question...ask carefully because if you catch me at the wrong moment...you get a rant like this lol! ;)  She shared some wise words back with me, and I hope she won't mind that I share with you as well, because I think she has a great challenge for all of us.  She said that while yes,  we are so much more than those things - those are the outward, visible things that define us as women.  They just are.  But, clearly who we truly are as women comes from within. So what can we do to spotlight and really focus on who we are?  Thinking about all of the hair, the makeup, the clothes, etc.  We put so much effort into that.  At least I know I do.   Are we putting as much effort into working on our inner beauty...like REALLY working on it?  It really made me think as well, and I challenge you all to think about this too.  Thanks for sharing these thoughts Jill.

For now, I'm trying my best to stay laser focused on the fact that despite all the havoc this nasty medicine is creating both inwardly and outwardly in my body right now, it is also working to destroy any nasty cancer in my body and hopefully protect my body from it ever returning.  THAT is the most important thing.  Because while I do miss my boobs, and the hair coming out in clumps is alarming, and the tighter pants and swelling face are definitely no fun to accept..at the end of the day my goal is to be here for my kids and my family, so I'm going to summon all of my inner badassedness (Yes, I made up this word, and no worries..I will not be adding it to my 5th grade vocab list this fall) to continue to battle this beast with all that I have. But, I do hope this has challenged you to think just a little bit about who you REALLY are as a woman, because I know we are all BADASS woman....no matter what kind of boobs, hair, body, skin, etc. that we all have, because really we are all SO MUCH MORE than that.  That is what I want my girls to see and those are the woman I want them to grow to become.


**Side note..my friend Jill who shared these thoughts with me, is also the mama of a very special student I had this year.  Griffin is a cancer warrior.  He has battled and he has prevailed.  He is incredibly strong.  He is brave, he is smart, he is kind, he is athletic...the list goes on and on.  But right now he is also scared.   He has some huge scans coming up on Monday so I know he and his family would appreciate any extra prayers you can send their way for peace this weekend as the worry of those scans can is beyond overwhelming.  I hate that any 12 year old has to endure this worry and fear. Also, please pray for NO CANCER to show up in any of those scans so he can get back to baseball, summer, and just being 12. 

Crying Under The Camo

Well if I’m being real, this is real today. It’s been a really tough, emotional -cry under my camo hat- (thanks to my super sweet friend Amy for this hat by the way) kind of day today. Coming off round two chemo and starting to feel a bit better again so that is good news, but the hair is shedding and falling out like crazy, I feel super gross, had an appointment with  a wig store today. The lady was super sweet and helpful, but holy wig sticker shock. I was so hopeful the scalp cooling thing would work, but it’s not looking like it, and accepting that is tough. Today I looked in the mirror sitting in that wig shop chair and saw myself as a cancer patient, and that was hard. I’d venture to say it’s been one of the toughest days on this adventure.

Just a tough day all around today. I am pretty strong 98% of the time, but I feel like it’s only fair to keep it real, so that if someone else reads this some day, it’s okay to know it’s okay to have these days. So I will get through it and tomorrow will be better I know ...but today I’m calling this one in. 😨😢

Not Just A Job

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile.  I am beyond lucky that when I wake up in the morning and go to work, I'm not just going to work.  It is so much more than just a job.  I truly am so lucky to absolutely love what I do.  I love teaching.  I always have.  But, finding my home in 5th grade at my school, teaching my favorite thing, reading and writing, is really living the dream for me. I love it.  It is even more special when you just have one of those years with an incredibly special group of kids, and this year was one of those years for me.

That made it especially hard when I found out I was going to need to miss a good chunk of the end of the year. I was so crushed to think about leaving my kids, right at the end, after we'd come so far together.  I was so sad to think about turning them over to someone else, and what that would look like.  I am so incredibly thankful that this special lady stepped in for me.  Mrs. Dresow.  What can I really even say about her? Those that know her, know exactly what I mean when I say how thankful I am for her and that she agreed to take over for me.  She is the type of teacher that we all hope to be someday.  She is an incredible instructor but an even better human.  She makes lessons fun, engaging and she just knows how to teach.  She also knows how to love and understand kids, yet hold them to high expectations.  She gets them as a whole child.  She establishes a wonderful climate in a classroom.  I like to think that we really had that going this year as well, which is why it was so important to me that someone be able to step in and take over and keep that going for us. The end of the school year can get a little crazy, so to know that it would continue to go smoothly was so important.   Mrs. Dresow is respected and loved by so many, and just one of those extra special people.  For those that don't know, she taught in our school district for many years, and retired just a few years ago.  She is likely a favorite teacher of most that have had the privilege to have had her.  She is one of those teachers that people remember forever. I know this because my nephew had her as a fifth grade teacher.  He's now nearly 23, and I know she is one of his favorites.   She really should've spent her spring enjoying her grandchildren, being outside, etc. But she selflessly chose to step in for me.  I knew then that my kids were going to be in the best hands.  There is nobody else that I would've loved more to take my place, unless my own mom would've wanted to do it, but she was busy helping take care of me! 😉

I know a big part of the reason that she agreed to step in was because she too knew what a great group of kids she was getting to work with.  So to any parents of my fifth graders that may be reading this, thank you for raising such incredible kids, with the biggest hearts.

I could go on and on about how wonderful she was.  She was constantly checking in with me about how I was feeling and recovering, keeping me up to speed with what was going on at school, and helping me to stay involved as much as I could.  This meant so much.  There were also the little things.  Right after my mastectomy, these flowers were delivered to me! They were the most special flowers ever. ;) They are perfect for me because they are bright, cheerful, and  I can't kill them lol! She had the kids make them, and in fact I still have them sitting out in my house.

Then, when I came back after being out for 4 weeks recovering after my mastectomy, I walked in and saw this.  I have a huge white wall in my room.  She had it completely covered with butterflies that the kids had made for me, with writing on them using wonderful figurative and descriptive language! ;) They looked beautiful and the kids were so excited for me to see it.  They also had a shirt for me, which I wear proudly..and is super soft lol! For those of you that know me well, you know I'm kind of a t-shirt diva, and very picky about the material! ;)

Check out some of these! These kids. <3 I actually had to stop reading them when I walked in, and wait until after school...all the tears.

So you can see how incredible lucky and thankful I am to have had this wonderful lady step in for me.  Joan, I can never thank you and your family enough for giving your time to my kids and to me this spring.  You took such a huge worry off of me, knowing my kids were in the best hands.  Like I said, I am so lucky to be able to go to "work" where I do.  These people are why.  This is the elementary and middle school staff in my school district. I've worked in both buildings, with the best people.  They all wore their pink for me the day of my mastectomy.  They have looked out for my own children and kept a special eye on them for me through this difficult spring.  They've sent cards, gift cards, brought meals, given me hugs..I could go on and on.  I know how lucky I am.  I can never thank you all enough for being such an important part of this whole cancer journey.  From the very bottom of my heart. thank you. I wouldn't be getting through this without you.

Almost Normal

Almost normal. When people ask how I am and how I'm doing, this is kind of the best response I can give right now.  I have round one almost behind me.  It's hard to believe I have round two already next week.  At first when I realized that, I was sad as it means I know I'll be feeling pretty crappy again for a bit, but it also means 2 out of 4 will be done! That is amazing. I can do this.  So how did it go?  It wasn't AWFUL.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't great and it sucks that I have to do it 3 more times, but it was doable. I can do it.  I realize things could be so much worse.

The actual chemo day wasn't too bad. I made it to my girls' ball that night, and even the next morning I joined Harps at school.  Then I got CRAZY exhausted.  Like the most tired you can imagine. It's hard to explain. The sucky part, you'd think being that tired, I'd just sleep all day, but I couldn't really sleep.  It was hard.  I couldn't get comfortable. I had to get a Neulasta injection the day after, which basically kicks my bone marrow into overdrive to make more white blood cells, but it comes with crazy bone and join pain.  Cullen and the kids would try to hug me, and for a couple days, it just really hurt to be touched.  I did learn you can take Claritin and that helps, and I think it definitely did take the edge off.  It wasn't debilitating or anything, just super annoying and uncomfortable. That only lasted a couple days though.  As far as nausea, they gave me some pills for that, and I took the wise advice of the lady next to me at chemo.  She said just take them every 6 hours and stay on top of it, rather than waiting to get sick and playing catch up.  I did that, and the nausea was really manageable.  From Thursday-Sunday was pretty tough.  I just didn't feel good, and was super tired. I did find I needed to get out of the house though a little each day or I was easily headed to that dark place, that is no good, being sad and feeling sorry for myself.  It really helped to get out.  We just did quick things.  My parents took me to dinner Friday night while Cullen had the kids.  Saturday Cullen and I went out to dinner while my parents had the kids overnight, and Sunday Cullen and I went to  church.  I had to sit down 3 times in church during music, but I was there and it felt so good.  I was missing my kids though.  We just kind of tried to keep them busy, and away from me for those most part for those tough days. I think it was best for them not to see me at my worst those days.  I just didn't know what to expect, and hated them to see me feeing so crappy.  I would say by Sunday night I was feeling quite a bit better and some energy was coming back and my babies were back with me, which helped too. By Monday, I was feeling pretty good, other than the thing that had been causing me the most trouble since even a few days before chemo, which was my back.  We went out to get flowers and I went to Beckett's first night of t-ball. I was feeing okay, other than this back pain.  At ball, my back started spasming like crazy. It got worse as the evening went on.  My about 8:30 I was in, quite possibly, the worst pain of my life. I dare say it was worse than labor.  In fact, I thought maybe I was having kidney stones or something.  I called my oncologist, and of ALL the oncologists with MN Oncology that could've been on call that night, it was my doctor.  Another God moment..I think so.  I really needed to hear from him that it was crazy to think the cancer had spread to my bones and was in my back.   But, that is where my head was.  It's such a mind trip.  He reassured me that he has absolutely had no reason to believe that, given all we know about the pathology of my tumor, etc.  But, he did say to go on in and get checked out. So off we went to the emergency room.

Positive of cancer...no waiting at the ER! I got right in, taken right back and tended to immediately. I don't know if it was the cancer, or the amount of pain I was in, but either way, I'll take it! ;) If you remember, I don't do pain meds. They make me super sick. I managed 2 c-sections and a double mastectomy without any, but they told me I should try some, and I didn't fight it. I was hesitant but the pain was unbearable. They did a super, super slow drip of morphine and that helped immensely.  Then they gave me a valium.  After those two things, I was feeling better. I could feel the spasms still, but it definitely too the edge of.  My urine sample and blood test came back fine for kidney stones, but I think he could see I was still uneasy about not doing the ct scan, just to be sure there wasn't anything going on back there.  I told him my oncologist said to do it, and he said we could so they did that. Thanks GOD it all came back okay, with no signs of anything going on back there.  They said it was likely muscular, which totally makes sense.  For 6 weeks, I had been sleeping super stiff, on my back, propped up. I think all the pressure finally hit it's point on my lower back. I've since met with my physical therapist for lymphedema prevention and told her about this and she agreed as well, and worked on my back a bit and it felt amazing.   But that Monday night, they sent me home with hydrocodone and another super strong muscle relaxer.  I took them, as I seemed to handle the other stuff okay, and was still in some pain.

On Tuesday morning I woke up and felt out of my mind.  My head was fuzzy, I had a headache, my ears were muffled and I was sick to my stomach. I basically threw up all day.  I was so sad. It was the worst I've felt so far AND I was missing school, and I was so ready to get back for the last days.  It was awful. By Tuesday night at about 6:00, I was finally able to keep some food down, and started feeling better and my back felt okay.  I fell asleep at about 9:00 and actually slept all night for the first time in days. On Wednesday morning I woke up and I couldn't believe it. I felt GOOD! I text my sub Joan (another post about her coming soon..she has been the biggest blessing during this spring) and told her I felt GOOD and was planning on making it to school for the last day! I told her she should still come, in case I needed to leave, but I was going to be there! I MADE IT!!! It was the absolute best feeling to be able to be there for that last day with my kids.  Since Wednesday of last week, I'd say for the most part, I feel "almost normal" and more like myself each day.  I'm okay.  I have energy to play with my kids, drive them to wear they need to be, pick up my house, get to their ball games. I'm okay.  My motto this summer is if I feel good, we're doing it! I was even able go on the boat cruise on Lake Minnetonka with Cullen's school on Friday and out with friends after, help my sister and Aaron move into their beautiful new home on the lake on Saturday, and make it up to our niece's birthday party on Sunday!  It was so great, and felt so good to do things like I normally would. It was also so good for my kids to see me being and feeling normal.  I feel so noncommittal to any sort of plans this summer, which is hard. Everything is just tentative on how I'm feeling. But I've heard things tend to go about the same from one round to the next, so it's nice to know kind of what to expect and be able to plan a bit. I've even scheduled some photo sessions, which I'm super excited about, as I wasn't sure how that would go this summer and I can't imagine a summer without any.  I just love doing them!

So I'm super curious to see what the next round brings. I think much of my discomfort those first few days was my back pain, which I'm hoping was just sucky timing, and that I won't have it this time.  I also think the reason I got SO sick that Tuesday was all the pain meds. I just can't handle them, and I had SO many that night.  I'm hoping it was that and not a delayed chemo reaction, but we will see.  I keep trying to tell myself, even if it's all the same, it was one super sucky week..and then two pretty normal weeks. I can do that.  It isn't fun, but I can do it.  Mama strong right?!

The hair...it's hanging in there! I keep waiting for a big shed to start.  Yesterday was Day 14 and that typically is when they say you see that start.  I brush it frequently, as you're supposed to, to avoid matting, and I inspect that brush like a crazy person!  I'm trying to be realistic in that I will likely lose some hair, and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself fort when that happens, but I know it will still be hard.  Though from what I hear, most people that have gone through this say you're really the only one who notices, as it feels different, more than looks different.  But, if you see me this summer, I'm really trying to stick to the rules of no heat and styling so I'm looking a hot mess..but whatevs right?!  Small price to pay.

So that's pretty much that.  It was doable..not fun, but doable. The fact that one round is done and I know what to expect is such a relief.  That unknown is the worst, and unfortunately with cancer there is so dang much unknown and it definitely is the hardest part.  Round 2 is Wednesday next week already.  My attitude right now is let's get this show on the road.  The sooner we do it, the sooner it's done. I can do this.

The Rumor

Last summer, I discovered some books that very quickly became my favorite.  They are all books by an author named Elin Hilderbrand.  She is an author that lives on the island of Nantucket.  All of her books are written with the setting being either Nantucket or Martha's Vineyard.  These two places quickly moved very high up my bucket list last summer after pouring through nearly all of her books. I was researching VRBO places to stay, things to do, etc.  Then school started and my book choices switched over to mainly young adult books, so I could keep up with my fifth graders.

A few of my Hilderbrand collections..I've actually given quite a few away to friends to read.  The covers of her books definitely speak to me!

Until cancer.  After I found out about my cancer, I went to visit my brother Jeff in Columbus. We had this trip planned for awhile, we were going to see Justin Timberlake, it was going to be awesome!  I decided I'd treat myself to buying the newest Elin Hilderbrand novel, The Perfect Couple, to read on the plane, and take a break from my school books for awhile.  I was so excited to escape back to the world of the East Coast, and just live there for awhile and forget about cancer.  We got on the plane, and I let myself dive in.  Just a few chapters in, a main part of the storyline became the fact that the main character's mother was battling breast cancer, and was hoping to see her daughter married before she died.  Done.  I couldn't read any further.  That was most definitely NOT the book for me to be reading at that point! In fact, I tucked the book in the pocket of the seat in front of me, and left it there.  I couldn't even keep it.  I hope the person after me appreciated it and fell in love with this author the way I did, but I knew I couldn't read it. I was trying to escape cancer for a bit, and I surely couldn't read that book at that time.  I was so bummed and sad.  I was so excited to read it.

Fast forward a few months...knowing I had a summer of chemo and a lot of rest in front of me, as anyone logical person would do, I slowly began to gather up my book supply.  Beach reads were mostly definitely taking up a large part of that list! I bought another Hildebrand book I hadn't read yet, and I couldn't wait to start it. I knew it would be my perfect, chemo round one book.  It was called The Rumor.  It was great.  I actually started it in my chemo chair that very first day.  It even made me excited for that day, because I knew I got to start that back! It's the little things right?! There were a few cancer references here and there, but not a main part of the story, and certainly not enough to make me stop reading.  As with every other book of hers, I absolutely loved it. I usually finish her books in a day or two, but I had to read this one a little slower, because actually those first few days right after, I was a bit too tired to really even read much. (I'll update more about how round one is going a bit later...I had to share this first.  I was too excited!)  But this morning I finished it.  It was great, as always.  I finished it thinking of all things Nantucket, and ready to hop on a plane and go visit.  But that isn't the main part of this story.

The Book - The Rumor

At the end of her books, she has an acknowledgements section.  I lazily flipped from the last page of the story, processing the characters and how it had ended. I'm always a little bit sad when good books end.   I wasn't necessarily planning on reading the acknowledgements at that moment, as we needed to get going, but as I had flipped the page, my eyes wandered over the first few lines, and stopped me in my tracks...well I was laying in my bed, so not literally stopped me in my tracks, but you get me. The first lines of her acknowledgements in this book said this:
 
 "As many of you are certainly aware, this novel was written while I was battling breast cancer. I have dedicated it to my surgeons, who are among the most brilliant, talented professional human beings I have ever encountered.  In addition, I would like to thank my medical oncologist, Steven Isakoff, for continuing to keep me in good health..."  

She goes on to thank others that helped her get well.  But it continues...
    "I was buoyed by those of you who reached out to me, either on Facebook or in other ways - many of you who are fighting or have fought this battle yourselves."  

She ends by saying:
   "Last, I would like to thank my children, Maxwell, Dawson, and Shelby Cunningham.  Have a mother who is writing two novels a year and batting cancer is kind of like having no mother at all, but the three of you managed to make me feel like I was doing something right each and every day just by listening to your voices and watching you grow.  You are the reason I fight, you are the reason I write, you are what makes my whole life complete, and I love you."

WHAT?!?!  You guys...she just might be my favorite author. I have read countless books of hers over the last year. I actually felt like I learned quite a bit about her last summer, as I read through her books and acknowledgements after her books.  I had no idea she even had breast cancer.  It turns out she did. In 2015.  She had a double mastectomy, just like me.  Today, she's doing great! This book.  Why had I not read this book? It isn't new. It was published in 2015.  Why didn't I read this one last summer? How did this book make it into my  very first chemo bag? Well I know. This is totally a God moment.  I am loving them so much when they happen.  They literally stop me in my tracks.  My favorite author had breast cancer.  She SURVIVED breast cancer, and the book she wrote WHILE she was battling cancer was the book that I was so excited to read, and made it with me into my very first chemo bag, and that I read during my first round of chemo.    Just nuts.  This is just one of those things that isn't a coincidence.  Her ending thoughts echo mine exactly.  My kids.  I've worried so much that this summer they will feel like I'm not mom.  But I know we will be okay. We will make it. I'm not writing two novels. ;) I'll be okay!  They are the reason I fight. They make my life complete. We will be okay.

To Elin Hildebrand...you have been one of my faves since I stumbled upon your books last year.  I have now officially moved Nantucket even higher up my bucket list. In fact, I just might need to be the post cancer celebration trip for me and Cullen.  THANK YOU for encouraging me again, that I can do this, and I've got this.  This book was exactly the book I needed to read at this moment.  If you can write this book while you battle, I can mom my kids this summer! I got this! Also, if you need some great reads this summer, I can't recommend her books enough! You will be transported to Nantucket or Martha's Vineyard, and the lives of her characters. You won't be able to put them down!

Chemo Round One

It's been awhile since I've updated I guess.  Life got a bit busy. I was feeling great and got to go back to work for a bit, so that felt amazing, but added to our pretty busy spring schedule.  I'm now six weeks out from my mastectomy, and that recovery continues to go really well. I really feel pretty good there, other than the expanders still being really annoying.  They're getting better in the day to day, just still hard to sleep comfortably with them.  All I want is to be able to curl up on my side and get cozy.

The kids got me this tank for Christmas this year, and I thought it was perfect for chemo day one.

The biggest change is that I've started chemo.  Last week I went in for our little "Chemo Class" appointment. They call it a survivorship appointment. I think they're just trying to make it not sound so awful. It was a terrible appointment.  I understand the need for it, but it was rough.  They basically laid out about 6-7 pages of every symptom that could happen.  It was scary and I broke down.  It became so real.  Then, this week was go time.  My first round was on Wednesday.  I was a ball of nerves before this.  The unknown is definitely the scariest part about this whole process I think, and there are so many unknowns.   I decided to try the Paxman Scalp Cooling System, so I had that all packed up and ready to go.  We did a trial run on Tuesday night, and Cullen got that sucker on tight!  I had blankets, heating pads, a book, my new air pods that my brother Jeff surprised me with, and I was ready to go. When I got there, they did labs first, and then we were off.  The whole thing took about 5 hours.  The first half hour was a drip of steroids and anti-nausea meds.  This is also when the pre-cooling of my cap happened. I was super scared for this, as it said it would feel like a bad brain freeze for about 10-20 minutes.  It was super cold, but definitely tolerable.  My nurse was going over a lot of info during that time, so it was nice distraction.  Then each of my two chemo meds took an hour. I am taking Taxotere and Cyclophosphomide.  After those were done, there is a 90 min post cooling time on the scalp cooling system.  The day wasn't awful.  Cullen was able to be there with me the whole time, and I was definitely able to laugh at myself and how silly I looked in my cap.

That night,  I was feeling okay, and even able to make it to both of my girls softball games.  So here we are now, 3 days out.  I feel pretty much like I've been hit by a truck.  The Neulasta drug that they give me to boost my white blood cell count does that I guess.  It kicks your bone marrow into overdrive to make new cells to help fight infections, but man it does a number on the bones and joints.  Claritin is supposed to help, so I'm trying that, but it's still pretty rough. My whole body hurts all over.  Aside from that, it is really just extreme exhaustion.  Thankfully I haven't had much nausea so I hope that continues. They have medicine to offset that should it happen.  Sleep hasn't come easily, surprisingly, as I'm so tired.  I just can't get comfortable.  I really wish I could just sleep these days away.  So that's where we are for now.  The next few weeks will be interesting,  as I guess I just await any other side effects to see how this hits me.  The shedding of my hair should start around day 14.  I still expect to have some of that, even with the cap.  But hopefully it isn't too noticeable.  Though I have to believe it will still be a bit of shocker to have it happen.  So that's really the update as of today.  Just battling on and so glad to have at least the first day of chemo behind me.  Please continue to pray for minimal side effects, and that this is all mostly tolerable for me.  Please pray for my kiddos, as I know it's hard to see me being so down and out.   I'd really appreciate it.  Right now I'm feeling pretty down.  It's so hard to sit and feel so crappy, when it's so beautiful outside, and life seems to just be whirling on around me while I'm kind of stuck in here feeling crummy.  I know it has to happen, and I know it is a short time in the big picture of things, but right now it just kind of sucks. If I'm being honest, it's about as down and bummed out as I've been so far on this cancer road. I know I can do this. I know many strong women have traveled this road before me, and I know I can do it too. One day, one moment,  at a time.

Bonus, since I had to take Thursday off, I was able to sneak over to join Harper in her Japanese Tea Party.  When you're a working mom, you often miss out on these things, so she was thrilled to see me there, and I was thrilled to be able to  be there for her.  Holding on to those little victories! Take that cancer!