In My Boat

I said I was going to be keeping this blog real. A place for my thoughts, that might one day help my girls, or someone else that finds themselves in this place.  So let's talk faith. This is going be a long one..you've been warned. Also, I'm not super comfortable with talking about this part of my life, so hang with me.  This is a big step for me, but I really do feel I need to share this today. I have to imagine I'm not alone in how I've been feeling.  I'm a Christian. I have a strong faith, and a strong belief in God.  With that said, we definitely haven't been the best about getting to church regularly. We always had excuses.  The kids were little and hard to manage.  We have had a infant or a toddler age child at some point for about the last 11 years.  We're busy.  Often times Sundays are the only day we don't have to be somewhere between Cullen having events, photography for me, or sports for Avery.  We like to sleep in.  I'll be honest.  It was nice to have a day we didn't have to set an alarm.  Excuses excuses.  So church took a back seat.  But I've always truly believed that church doesn't have to be a building.  Our church was our slow, Sunday morning snuggles in bed as a family, or cheering on Avery at a basketball tournament, or making and having breakfast together in our jammies.  This felt okay to me.  I have never been one to want to attend church, just to say I did.  I want it to mean something.  I want to feel something.   There were a few years in there where we were attending pretty regularly, but I often struggled to get much out of it, and I honestly I did start to feel like we were just kind of attending, just so we could say we did.  That didn't seem right.   I guess that's where it kind of changed, and we started attending less regularly.  But even though we didn't attend conventional church regularly, my faith in God didn't go anywhere. I believe, I pray, and consider myself to have a pretty strong faith.

Fast forward to this last month.  I've struggled. I really have.  I haven't really struggled with the, "Why me?" But I definitely have struggled with the, "Why right now?"  I know I shared before that the timing of this is okay for lots of reasons,  but the one part that isn't okay with me, is why couldn't this have happened 20 or 30 years from now? My kids are so little.  They are babies that need their mama.  I've struggled and I've talked to God.  The questions I've had are - Why couldn't this have happened when my kids are grown?  I can do this God, but why right now?  Please God let me raise my kids.  Please don't take their mom away from them yet. - Those are my honest thoughts and struggles. So many people have told me that I have to turn it over to Him, and that He has a plan. I get it. I have probably said the same thing to someone.  But let me tell you, it is so much easier to say, than to do, when you're actually faced with it.  I'm trying SO hard to do that. I want to do that more than anything.  But it is so hard to just trust and accept His plan, when there is a possibility that that plan leaves my babies without a mom.  That thought terrifies me to no end. So it's been really hard for me to get to a place where I can truly turn it over to God.

This weekend I told Cullen we have got to get back to church. I need God right now, and I need help with it. I want to get to that place of complete trust so badly, but I'm not going to be able to get there on my own.  I need some guidance.  We weren't able to get to church yesterday, but I did watch online.  Hosanna is doing a 6 week series on miracles.  The sermon yesterday was about how God provides. It was wonderful.  She also made reference to the sermon from last week, and said it was about healing. I knew I needed to hear it. So later yesterday, I watched that one as well.  Wow.  Talk about hearing exactly what you needed to hear.  Pastor Ryan had a friend join him on stage, who shared about some physical healing he has been a part of, but also his spiritual healing.  He talked about how he felt like he'd been playing the "Holy Pokey."  He had one foot in, truly believing and trusting, and then would doubt would creep in and he'd have one foot out..and so on.  It so spoke to me.  It was exactly how I was feeling.   How ironic is the timing of me seeking this out, and the sermon was about a cancer survivor learning how to fully trust in God? I don't think that was a coincidence.  Anyway, I knew I needed to hear the rest of this series.

So last night I watched another sermon in the series.  Pastor Julia told the story from John 6: 15-21 about how Jesus' disciples were caught in a storm at sea and they were exhausted and fearing for their lives, when they saw Jesus walking on water towards them.  At first they were afraid. They thought he was a spirit.  How is it possible someone could be walking on water. It didn't make sense to them.  But he told them not to be afraid, and then they trusted him and invited him into their boat.  As soon as they did that, they arrived safely at shore.  I remember hearing this story before as a child in Sunday School, but I'd never really thought about it.  The way I heard it yesterday was completely different.  I am the one in the boat. I am the one afraid. Cancer is my storm. I am the one struggling with how to truly let Jesus in and trust that he will deliver me safely to the other side of this storm.  I sat for awhile after hearing this message and just let it sink in, and I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a few weeks.  I shared this with Cullen too, and he is on his way working through this series as well. I know I still have a lot to figure out.  I definitely still struggle with the fear of this not being okay and not being here for my kids. That isn't going to go away in an instant.  I'm a mom and a real human. I think it's only natural. But it is a little crazy how much better I do feel now.  My prayers last night and this morning were different.  I've asked Jesus to get in my boat, and I really do feel like he'll get me safely to the shore of this storm..this surgery, this cancer...if I just trust Him.

When I got to school this morning, I had two sweet kids bring me down a gift.  They had made me a blanket and got me a whole series of books that I haven't read yet, to read during my recovery. It was the sweetest and they know me so well.  But, as I was looking at the blanket later, I flipped it over and saw that it was embroidered.  It says, "Be stronger than the storm." After last night, that was the message I saw today.  I had goosebumps.  I don't think that was a coincidence either. I think God really wants to be sure that I let Him in this boat, and keep Him in it with me and He wants me to know that He will get me through this storm if I can just trust him.  Here is a link to the Miracles series through Hosanna, if you wanted to catch any of these sermons for yourself.  The ones I've referred to here are weeks 4, 5 and 6.  https://www.hosannalc.org/series/?name=miracles