Timing Is Everything

There is no "good" time to get cancer, unless never was an option.  But with that said, I suppose since I've been chosen to travel this road, and fight this battle, I'm pretty lucky with the timing, for many reasons.  This is the first year that my mom is retired, and having her and my dad available to help with me, my kids, etc. and not have to worry about her taking time off from work is beyond helpful.  For Cullen, this last month was, for the most part, between sports seasons.  So it was a bit easier for him to be able to be with me at appointments, in the evenings, etc.  The groups of students that I have this year at school are a special group.  They are just really wonderful, kind, thoughtful, caring kids.  I shared in Facebook earlier this week that I wish every person fighting cancer would be fortunate enough to do it with a tribe of fifth graders behind them.  This comes as no surprise then, that their families and parents are equally as wonderful and supportive.  I also have an incredible teacher stepping in to sub for me when I'm gone.  She is retired, and taught 5th grade for many years in my district, and so her stepping in will be pretty seamless for her, my kids and my team. This takes a huge worry off of my plate. I know they will be in amazing hands.  I absolutely love where I teach. I'm so lucky to work with the most incredible group of coworkers and administration.  They've been immensely supportive and caring as well.

So while I wish I wasn't here and faced with this, I am.  This past week as been tougher as negativity has crept in even more than it had before, as surgery is getting closer and it's getting real.  As much as I want it over, the reality of it is here and along with that is coming with a whole lot of fear of the actual surgery, what we will find out, recovery, etc.  So, I've had to try extra hard to find the positives hidden in this situation, and search out any silver lining I can find.  That definitely helps to push aside that fear and negativity, at least a little bit.  The prayers, the cards, the messages, the hugs, the thoughtful little gifts...they have truly been lifting me up.  The kindness and generosity of people has been like nothing I could've imagined.  Being a helper by nature, and someone that is used to being the caregiver, it's been hard to accept help from others.  But my mom shared something with me she got from my aunt that said something like, "Only you can fight your cancer.  Nobody else can do that.  So let others do the laundry, bring you meals, pick up your kids" etc.  That stuck with me and made some sense.  So I'm trying really hard to accept it.  A friend set up a meal train, and meals are taken care of for my family through my recovery. I was amazed at the support, and also at what a relief it was to know that that is something I won't have to worry about.

 I know I am blessed with the best people in my life. I didn't need cancer to tell me that, but maybe I took that for granted at times.  This has truly stopped me in my tracks and made me give thanks for all of you, all of my friends and family, my coworkers and everyone that has been lifting us up this past month.   So thank you. I really can't thank you enough. I'm sharing here a letter a fifth grade girl gave me this week. Some of you may have seen it this week as I shared it on Facebook as well. It just stopped me in my tracks, and it's a darn good thing I read it during my prep.  There were tears...a few.  Her words are so wise and insightful for anyone, especially a fifth grader.  She said, "I don't worry. I hope."  I'm going to carry that with me, especially this week and try really hard to set some of that worry aside, and just hope.  Hope that this surgery goes well, and we get the good news we're praying for.  There is a reason that I'm in this place right now. I don't know what that is yet.  But there is a reason I'm here, right now,  at this time, in this place, surrounded by the people I am.  I'm going to try really hard to take this sweet girl's advice.  I'm going to try my dang best to let my smile shine.  I'm going to try not to worry, and instead, hope. This IS going to make me stronger, I know that.  I will show cancer that I'm here to fight. I got this. 💗💪