Wednesday night before I went to bed I had to shower and scrub with this special, antiseptic soap called Hibicleanse. It smelled pretty awful. My directions were also to scrub from chin to toes, and scrub the surgical area for 5 minutes. Standing in the shower scrubbing my boobs for 5 minutes each was really not what I wanted to be doing, but I guess in a weird way, it was a time for me to spend a little last minute, quality time with "the girls". I kind of looked at it like Marie Kondo and the whole Tidying Up trend. I thanked them for their service, for feeding my three babies, but they most definitely no longer bring me joy, so I told them it's time for them to go. I had to do the same thing Thursday morning. We had to be at the hospital at 9:15, and I was so worried about being late, we got there at about 8:30. I wore my camo pants, taking the hint from my amazing coworkers, and I prepared to head into this bear hunt ready to fight!
Camo pants on, ready for battle (Also, they're the softest, coziest pants I have!) Check them out at my friends shop, Grace + Gumption!
The first thing I had to do was the sentinel node mapping. Basically they had to inject blue, radioactive dye into my breast. This would flow into the nodes, and my surgeon used some special device in surgery to see that, and locate the sentinel node, to do what she needed to do. I'm not sure all of the details of this. It was fairly painless and very quick. Then we had to go meet with a few other registration people. I jokingly told Cullen I kind of felt like we were on the Amazing Race, as we went from place to place. Finally we landed in our final waiting room, and that's when I had to go back without Cullen. This part sucked. They took me back to get my iv in, but there was a lot of waiting around, and with nobody to chat with and distract me, and not much phone service to keep me occupied, I was left with my thoughts, which wasn't the best place to be at that moment. I was also freezing, and so I was not looking forward to stripping down to just the gown, but they had this incredible device that pumped hot air into my gown! I inflated like a superhero, and was instantly warm. It helped with the nerves a lot too. The nurse taking care of me was pretty sweet, but she had a Green Bay Packers clip on her lanyard. After we clarified where we both stood on our teams, discussed our trips to Lambeau, we agreed we could still be friends. She was great. After about an hour, Cullen, my mom and dad got to come back in and hang out until it was go time.
My surgeons came in an explained one last time how things would go, the anesthesiologist and then the nurse anesthetist came in. He gave me something that he said would feel like I've had a couple glasses of wine. Whoa. I told him I could've used that the week before! He also lovingly referred to my parents as "Team Mary and Larry." I don't remember much after that. The last thing I actually really remember is him telling me that at that moment, I was the most important thing in his world. That was a comforting thought as I was being wheeled off. After quick goodbyes and good lucks from my parents and Cullen, that was it.
This photo must've been after the "wine" shot, because I don't remember Cullen taking it. I really didn't want many photos that day, but looking back, I'm so glad he snapped a few. He knows me too well.
Surgery started pretty much as scheduled at 11:30 and the next thing I know, I was in recovery and Cullen was telling me that there was no cancer in my lymph nodes. I just remember crying, and being so overwhelmed and filled with gratitude. He said he got worried because I kept asking him over and over, but I remember clearly, I just needed to keep hearing it. I think surgery lasted about 4 hours. They got me back up to my room, and I remember my mom and dad being there, but I do remember that I could hardly keep my eyes open. I was so tired, and I think the anesthesia just hit me really hard. I'd never had to be under that long before. I'm also super, super sensitive to pain meds, so I think that anesthesia really took a toll on me. Sweet Cullen ran down to Panera and came back with a smoothie, my favorite soup, bread, basically anything to try to help me get something in my stomach, but I could hardly keep my eyes open, let alone eat. I felt so nauseous. They were giving me some pain med in my iv, but I think it was making me worse. Then they tried a muscle relaxer that was supposed to help relax my chest muscles, but that made me throw up too. It was rough. I just so badly wanted to sleep, but between coming in for meds, emptying my drains and checking vitals, sleep was hard to come by. It was a rough night.
Trying so hard to feel better...and my A+ nurse
Cullen thought it was funny that I earned the title of "Fall Risk" after my first rocky go round of getting up.
The next morning, I still felt pretty terrible. The only thing I could think was, how in the heck do they think I can go home today? They had kept saying just one night, but I couldn't even stand. My surgeons both checked in and said things looked good. They took the catheter out and wanted me to try to stand up to walk. I still was feeling so crazy tired, nauseous and light headed, I only got a few steps out of my room and had to lay back down. I was pretty defeated at this point, thinking I was going to be stuck there for awhile. But, my surgeon had said that by afternoon I should start to feel better. As the morning went on, I did slowly start to feel better. I think now, I really just needed the anesthesia to wear off, and get the nasty pain meds out of my system. Tylenol from here on out for this chick. No bueno on those narcotics. Cullen declared I would definitely not make a good druggie! By late morning, I was able to eat some soup from Panera, and made it a whole lap around the nurse area outside of my room. The nurse also wanted to get me in the bra that my surgeon had me get. This meant taking off my bandages. I was NOT ready for that. I couldn't look. I still haven't crossed that bridge yet, but I will. Soon enough. Surprisingly, with the expanders in, I do have little baby boobs right now. Which is better than I was expecting..I'm just not ready to see them in all their glory just yet. But when you've had big boobs your whole life, and so often felt like all boobs, it's kind of a nice feeling to not have that going on. Trying to find those positives!
After that, my sweet hubby brushed my hair for me! I was feeing pretty gross and definitely rocking some Harper-level bedhead. He's too funny. His mom was a hair stylist, so he basically said as the son of a professional, I got first rate service. We took another few laps around, and this time I even got to switch from red socks to blue socks, which meant we could take our laps on our own! Freedom! After these few laps, I was feeling so much better and ready to bust out of this place and get.home. to rest and recover.
So we got all of our discharge directions, and were headed home! Wahoo! The thing I was the most nervous about was the drains. Like I've said before, if admin doesn't work out for Cullen, he could go into nursing. He has been AMAZING. He listened, got all of the directions on how to care for them, empty them, etc. and has taken the absolute best care of me. It really was ridiculously hard to believe that less that 24 hours after my surgery finished, I was heading home. It was also crazy how much better I felt from about 6 in the morning, when I couldn't even stand, to about 2 when I was going home. What a crazy difference those few hours made.
This pillow is the other best thing I've had, and I can't link it anywhere, because my wonderful aunt Rachel made it for me! So, find yourself a sweet aunt that can sew because this thing has been a lifesaver! It helped a ton in the car, with the seatbelt. Sitting in a chair or laying in a recliner, it hugs you and lets you prop your arms up. It's awesome. It's like a mastectomy Boppy pillow!
So there we are, that's pretty much how my surgery went down. I am SO beyond glad that giant step is over, but most thankful of all for the news that my lymph nodes were clear. I have a lot of answers still left to figure out. I'm currently waiting on a call from my surgical oncologist as I type this with the final pathology report from surgery. I have a big appointment on April 30 with my surgeon, and my oncologist who I will be seeing. This will determine the next steps as far as chemo, no chemo, medicines, etc. I don't know what that will bring yet. But right now, I'm choosing to celebrate that the tumor is out, and this major surgery is OVER. I can't explain what it's like to sit for 5 weeks knowing the cancer is in there, knowing you have this life changing, major surgery coming up, now having answers, etc. It has been terrible. So having this step done, and being able to move forward with a plan is just huge right now.
This got super long, so I'll leave it here for now, and post another a bit later talking about my recovery so far, and how that's going...but preview, it's not as awful as I feared it would be. I just want to say that because most of the information and blogs I found when researching what to expect, talked about how awful this whole surgery is. I was so scared. While it definitely still sucks and isn't painless, and I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, it's been okay. Honestly, the actual surgery was not as horrible as I think I was expecting, and I feel like it would've helped me a bit going in if I might've found a few people that said it wasn't completely horrible. Though I do think mindset helps a lot. My fears and anxiety eased a lot on Wednesday when I stopped looking at this as getting my boobs cut off, and started looking at is as getting the cancer out of my body. Then it didn't sound so bad, because I don't know about you, but I'll do whatever it takes to get that crap out of me. If it means losing my boobs and going through this to get it out, then it's all worth it to me. Gratitude. So.much.gratitude.
you are a remarkable individual Jen - but I already knew that. Many prayers heading your way
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