Sleep the first night was scary, but I'd read that a recliner was best, so that's what I did. I also decided that first night to just let myself sleep, so I didn't wake up to take my meds. Bad idea. I woke that morning at about 5 and was in quite a lot of pain. I hadn't had any Tylenol for about 7 hours, so I was hurting. From then on, I've set an alarm now to wake up to take my Tylenol and just stay on my plan for that, and that has helped a ton. I just set the alarm, have the Tylenol right there, wake up , take it, and back to sleep. The worst trouble I had that first morning also was just a headache. The sleeping in the recliner thing, with your head only being able to turn so many ways, got to me. I had to figure out a bit of a better plan for that in the next nights.
I know I've shared earlier that I'm super sensitive to pain meds. I blame my dad. ;) He is the same way, as is my sister. I had to take Vicodin when I was 18 and it made me so, so sick, I've never taken anything since. I really thought I'd have to try something this time, but after getting so sick in the hospital on the med they gave me, I knew I'd rather not. So I've just been using Tylenol, and it has been great. They did prescribe a muscle relaxer called Robaxin, that isn't a narcotic and doesn't make me sick. So I can take that as needed if I start to have spasms in my chest or it gets really tight, but I haven't needed it too much, and thankfully it doesn't make me sick. Those two things have pretty much made me comfortable for the most part. I think not taking the narcotic has actually really, really helped me feel good in this recovery. I don't feel too groggy at all, and have more energy to get up and move around, get outside, etc. when I'm feeling up to it.
On Sunday, I was able to wash my hair which felt amazing. I just did a little flip over the sink and I thought Cullen was going to have to do it all, but I actually ha pretty good range of motion in my right arm at that point. My left was quite a bit more sore, as I had a lot of breast tissue in my armpit area she removed, so that's much more sore, but it was still workable. It felt AMAZING. I was able to get cleaned up, and get over to my parents house to celebrate Easter. It was a beautiful day, and I got outside with my kids while they hunted eggs, watched them try out their new fishing poles, swing the bat a bit, and just enjoy the outside with them. I never thought I'd be able to do that on day 3. So thankful. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY though! When I got home, I was tired. I went up to take a little nap, and tried out my bed for the nap, since it was a short time, and it felt wonderful. I just propped myself up a bit with pillows and it was fine for a little nap. The craziest thing that night was when the itching started. Holy Cow! That was insane. It was such an intense itch, right where my boobs should be, so there as no way to itch it. It sounds like it's just a part of nerves trying to figure out what was going on, but it was NOT fun. I did my best to try to find anything to distract myself, and it eventually passed, but it was rough.
Day 4 I also attempted my first full shower. Oh boy. It was time, but I was terrified. I had the go ahead to shower 48 hours after surgery, but I couldn't. There were a few reasons one. The big one..I was TERRIFIED to take off the bra I've had on since the morning after surgery. It was compressing my chest and felt good that way, and I was not ready to see the damage. Reason two was that I was really nervous about navigating the drains. Drains SUCK. But, my stank overcame my fear! I've said SO many times how thankful I am to have such an amazingly supportive partner to go through this with. Cullen has been beyond amazing. I'm not going to lie, standing in the bathroom, ready to take that bra off, I cried. I really don't care that much what it looks like. I mean, it's always going to be covered up, but something about seeing it was so scary. But I did it. It wasn't as awful as I thought. Though I didn't look in the mirror yet. Just not ready for that yet. Once I got my drains hooked around the little tie around my neck they gave me, it was on and it felt amazing, and I no longer attracted flies.
The days went by pretty much like that. On Thursday my mom took me to lunch and to get pedicures so that was awesome. It felt so good to get out and feel a little normal! On Friday, I had my first follow up with my plastic surgeon and got my drains out! AMAZING! It felt so good to get those awful things out of me. I also met up with some coworkers for a little bit after school and it was great to get out and see some friends too.
Then Saturday came. It was a rough day. Probably my worst one yet. I got up in the morning and when I moved my arms to adjust my ponytail, I felt this awful zinging in by right boob. I feel like I have a pretty strong pain tolerance, and it was through the roof. I got up, and bent down to give Beckett a little kiss on the head, as he was laying on the couch, and it did it again and about dropped me to my knees. I was so scared that I had done something, but after a little research, I'm pretty positive it's more nerve stuff. We were headed to run a few errands, and I just had to move so, so carefully. It felt like all the progress I'd made with range of motion, went about 10 steps backwards. I felt as fragile as I had since the very first day. It was frustrating and defeating. It got a little better as the day went on, but it would randomly happen every so often. Couple that with the constant feeling that the expander is digging into my ribs, and it was a tough, tough day.
It was also shower day again. Those are my toughest times right now. I feel okay when I'm all clothed and covered up, but taking off bra, and putting it all out there is just an entire different thing. It feels so exposed and vulnerable. I've looked down at the damage, but haven't braved the mirror yet. I'll get there one day. But I've looked down at my chest..and cried. I think I've cried with every shower I've taken. My chest is wrinkled, dented, you can see the expanders digging in. There is extra skin, for when they expand. It really isn't a vain thing. I really don't care about that. I have an amazing husband who loves me no matter what, and I know that. I know that these scars mean the cancer is out of my body, and for that I am so grateful. But it's hard. It's rough right now. The emotions are so raw and new. I know one day I will wear these scars with honor and pride. I know that and I'm excited for that. But for now, I'm just not quite ready to face the mirror.
So as that day came to an end, I let myself have a little pity party. It was just like a big, slap in the face reminder that this sucks. It is so much more than recovering from a surgery. It's cancer. It is such a huge process. I'm tired of sleeping in a recliner. I just want to be in my own bed, with my husband. It's lonely sleeping downstairs overnight by myself. As comfortable as the recliner is, I'm tired of sleeping there. But, these tissue expanders are ridiculously uncomfortable. It feels like I'm wearing a bra that weighs about 20 pounds, and has an underwire that constantly is digging into my ribs, except it isn't a bra and I can't take it off. When I lay in my bed, it is just too uncomfortable right now. I can handle it, I can. But the thought of having to get used to this for MONTHS, just put me in sad place yesterday. If I have to have chemo, it could be even longer. At this point right now, I'm wondering if these expanders are worth it. They're filled to 200cc right now, so there is a little something there. I jokingly told my surgeon on Friday, that I'm just good with that! I've had big boobs my whole life. They're way overrated! I don't need them. I told him we could just swap these out as soon as possible and I'll be good with that! He kind of laughed and told me to just give it a little time, as I was only a week out of surgery.
Thankfully, today is a new day. The zinging has subsided quite a bit, so I feel a little better. The weight and the digging is still there, but I feel like I'm just going to have to get used to it, as ridiculous as that sounds. Many brave, strong women have done it before me, so I know I can too. Cullen and I went to church this morning and heard an amazing message about living bold. It was so great to sit and listen to. The pastor talked about how God might be speaking to you, to help you find your way to live bold, and step out of your comfort zone. As I was thinking about it later, for me, I think it's this. I do. If someone, somewhere finds some comfort or help in this and all of my crazy thoughts, it will be worth it to me. My growth and development in my faith is a journey. Dealing with this cancer is a journey. Heck, figuring out life is a journey. I know these thoughts are personal. But I'm okay with that. If I can help someone feel not so alone, even for a minute, then I'm so glad to put this out there.
With that, for those of you that may not know, my dad is going through cancer as well, and has a big appointment tomorrow. If you could spare some prayers tonight for him, that he has good reports from his scans, and that nothing new is growing, that would be amazing. He has battled for over 10 years and is doing pretty well, but scan time is always scary, and I'd really appreciate the prayers. Dang...cancer freaking sucks.
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