The Waiting Game and The Dark

The other thing I’m learning about this cancer world is the waiting. Damn. The waiting sucks. After that phone call, the waiting began and let me tell you, it’s not easy. Talk about a mind game. Everything in my body and mind all seems to just be messing with me. Every twinge, tingle, pain, etc. has me immediately jumping to the darkest places. Fearing this is all over my body and I’m sitting here doing nothing....waiting. But, I am beyond blessed to have so many amazing people behind me. Cullen has been absolutely amazing. He lets me cry when I need to, vent when I need to, swear when I need to 🤫, and has just been there for everything I need. I have always known that I have the most incredible family and friends, but I wouldn’t have gotten through the past couple weeks without their love and support. The messages, cards, etc. that people have sent me have truly lifted me up from these darkest of moments and places. I can’t describe it. The feelings and terror don’t go away. They’re there, but I’m learning I can’t stay in those dark places. It won’t change anything. It isn’t good for me, and it’s most definitely not good for my kids. I’ve been trying so hard to stay so positive for them. I really try to keep it light around them, and show them that this is okay and I’ve got this.

Avery, my 11 year old, is the only one that knows what’s really going on at this point. But my other two, Harper (6) and Beckett (4) are smart enough to know something is up. I need them to see me be strong and brave right now. It’s funny how that can kick in and stop the tears. Because let me tell you, if I’m being honest, it can get rough after bedtime when I finally let it all out. 😔 I’m not a pretty crier folks...it’s rough. But, I do my best to not dwell in the dark places because of these three. They don’t need to know how terrified and scared I am. I’m going to be honest and just say it sucks for anyone to have to go through this, but damn...having little kids and having the constant thought that they could be left without a mama is about more than I can handle. Like I said, I try to stay positive, I do. When those really awful thoughts sneak in, I really do my best to push them aside as fast as I freaking can, but I’d be lying if I said that isn’t the one thought that drops me to my knees nearly every dang night. But we don’t stay there right? Get out of the dark places. You’re entitled to have them, but don’t stay there. So that’s what I do. I have my cry, my yell, my fit and let it all out and then move on and get it together because damn it, I am their mama. I am here right now. Here to snuggle them, love them, play with them, laugh with them, smile with them, help with homework, read stories, play dinosaurs, watch movies, tuck in at bedtime...all the simple, best things that I too easily took for granted.  Not anymore all, not anymore. I'm trying my best to savor every dang moment. I'm just trying to soak it in and thank God for the blessing that I’m here right now for these moments, and pray, pray, pray to God that I get to be here for so many more. So I wait, but not in the dark. The dark is scary and I refuse to stay there.