Path of Peace

Chemo or no chemo...well we still don't know.  That is the big question.  We met yesterday with my oncologist that I will be seeing, Dr. Bloom.  He was wonderful.  He was super funny, personable, and knowledgable.  He's even a cancer survivor himself.  He spent a lot of time just chatting and wanting to get to know me.  He said, "Well shit, why are you here?"  Lol!  He said it's okay to swear.  When he left the room for me to change and came back, I told him as long as he said it's okay to swear, I'm kind of an overachiever, so I took it one step further from shit lol! He said that's okay too, and we got a pretty good kick out of it.  Then, in the first line of his report of his notes that he gave me, it says... "$#&*% You have breast cancer." Lol!   Then we got down to business.

He said that with Dr. Rueth removing the tumor, and with it being not in the lymph nodes, I'm currently sitting with no cancer in my body, as far as we know.  But...it was there and cancer can be a sneaky little thing.  Even though it isn't in my lymph nodes, there is always the chance that tiny, little microscopic cells can escape and travel around and hang out.  They could do that forever.  He said that right now, if I never did anything else, I'd have about a 70% chance of the cancer never sprouting up again.  He said the term, "Cancer coming back" is somewhat untrue, because when that happens to someone, it isn't as if it was ever really gone. It means there were those microscopic cells there, laying dormant, and then they just kind of find a spot to hunker down and grow.  He said I'm sitting in a pretty fortunate spot as they have to work very hard with some patients to even get to that 70% and I get to start there.  But obviously, we can do better, and that's what we're going for.  There are many treatment options out there that would get that percentage will up into the 90-99% range and that's what we’re shooting for.  The two main options to treat, are with a hormone therapy that I'd take for at least 5 years, or a course of chemo.  At this time, given the type of cancer I have, which is Stage 1, er+, pr+, her2-, not in lymph nodes, I have some options.  The one negative piece we've known from the initial biopsy, is that the tumor type is grade 3, which means the tumor contained more aggressive cells.  But even with that, the staining of them was very positive, and the fact it was caught so early, it was so small, it was removed and not in lymph nodes, is all very good news and that is why it is still considered stage 1.  They really haven't been too concerned about this from the start, so I have tried not to be as well.  The other downside is my age.  They tend to be a little more aggressive with treatment in younger women as well, but there is still one more test that will really let him know what treatment is best.

This last test that they're running will really determine the likelihood of this cancer having traveled somewhere else, and popping up again someday.  It's called the Mammaprint. It's amazing how far they've come. He said 20 years ago I would've been pumped so full of chemo, because that's just what they did.   They would tend to overmedicate, for fear of under medicating. But today, we're fortunate to be in a time with enough medical advancements that let us "appropriately medicate" as he called it.   That test takes about 2 weeks to come back.  It will either come back as low risk = no chemo or high risk = chemo... so now we wait again.

I'd been praying and praying for no chemo.  It isn't about losing my hair.  I know that's probably what most people might think at first, as I think that's kind of what we think of when we think of chemo.  I know that's probably the first thing I think of.  But there are SO, SO many awful side effects, that I would love to avoid.  I want to enjoy summer with my kids, not be sick, tired, and so uncomfortable going through it with these already ridiculously uncomfortable expanders in.  It would delay that process too, as they can't do surgery to exchange these for permanent implants until I would be done with chemo.  So that sucks too. I can't get comfortable with these things in my body.  But, honestly, if that's what it takes to get me to my highest shot of being able to be here with my kids and family for a LONG freaking time...then that's what will have to happen and I'll deal with it, even though it would really suck.

So in all, it will still a very positive appointment yesterday.  He gave me a big high five when I left. I should've been feeling great. But for some reason I was so down last night.  I just felt sad.  I don't know why.  I had a hard time falling asleep, didn't sleep well, and had that sick to my stomach feeling again the instant I woke up.  It sucks.  I pulled it together to help get my kiddos out the door, then when everyone left I had another little cry, a sad little party with myself for a few minutes, and then knew I needed to snap out of it somehow.

I got a great devotional from my friend Mary. It's by Sarah Young and it's called, Jesus Calling.  They're quick little devotionals and then they direct you to a few verses tied to that day.  So I put on my Lauren Daigle station on Pandora, and opened it up to today's devotional.  The devotional today was meant to be.

It is all about worrying.  I'm on this path for some reason. I don't know why, and I wish I wasn't, but here I am.  Last night and today, I kind of wasted it worrying and dwelling on something that is completely out of my control.  I even just said to a friend last night, that I wish I could just fast forward through this all.  While there is some truth to that, I can't wait for the day that this is in my past. I also know I can't let it destroy my present days.  They are so precious.  I'm here now, in these moments and these days with my kids, my family, my friends.  This is my now, and I need to try to find some peace to make the best of it that I can.  Some days obviously it's easier than others, and some days I get a little wake up call like this, and it was just what I needed.  

When I finished reading the devotional and I turned to Luke 12:25-26 and it says "Can any of you add one moment to his life span by worrying? If then, you're not able to do even a little thing, why worry about the rest?" 365 days of devotionals and this was today.  I'm pretty sure this was God's way of telling me this morning - Chill...I got this.  I got you.  Stop worrying and trust in Me.   So, that's what I'm going to try to do.  I'm going to try my dang best to relax.  If the test comes back as high risk, and chemo is the best plan for me, and will give me the best chance at a cure to be here with my kids and family the longest, then that is what is supposed to be. If it comes back as low risk, that will be great news and I will be thrilled knowing how lucky I am to get such an amazing prognosis, without having to put my body through that.  So God, I'm doing my best to listen and just chill, and trust that You've got this, and no amount of worrying on my part is going to change anything today.  Please direct my steps and help me along a path of peace.