Keeping It Real

I said I was going to keep it real on here.  So that's what I'm going to do.  It's been a rough few days and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. :(  I found out Tuesday that my  test results came back as a higher risk of recurrence, therefore chemo is the best option.  My Dr. did say that it is still my decision.  He said doing nothing at all, from this point on, gives me a 70% chance of this never returning. He said they work very hard to get some people to those odds alone.  If I did Tamoxifen alone, which is a hormone therapy I'll be on for 5-10 years, it would increase to about 75%, and adding chemo in would take it to 95%.  Hearing those stats, it was a no brainer.  But I'm not going to lie, it was a huge blow.  On Tuesday, I felt beat down. I felt like somebody had just pushed me off a cliff and I was plummeting to the earth below.  I had been feeling so good. I was getting excited to get back to work next week, and then this.  I cried. A lot.  I pretty much cried from about noon until I finally fell asleep at about 11.  I was mad.  I was so mad, scared, sad, afraid, frustrated..you name it.  Poor Cullen. He really kind of got the wrath of me that day.  Then I was mad about that because he's just been the absolute best, and couldn't be more supportive, loving and caring through all of this.  He did nothing that should've made me mad.   But I was just mad at the world that day and I kind of took it out on him. :(  So here is my public apology hun..if you're reading this.  I honestly felt like I was in an out of body experience. I didn't know what to do.  Honestly, it was my worst day in this whole journey, since the first day.   I knew this was a possibility, but I couldn't have even guessed I'd have felt the way I did.  I surprised myself. I guess I'd been holding it all together so great for about 2 months, and it just kind of all came crashing down on Tuesday.

But, I woke up yesterday morning, and through very swollen eyelids and very red eyes, I knew I had to buck up and carry on.  I was able to go to my fifth graders' track and field event.  For a little bit, I honestly didn't even know if I was going to be able to go.  I was still teary if I thought too much about it, and I knew people would want to talk about it, and I didn't know if I could handle it.  But, my kids knew I was coming, and there was no way I was letting them down.  Thank goodness it was a sunny day that required sunglasses.  As I walked into the bleachers where the fifth graders were all sitting, they all started chanting my name. It was the sweetest thing.  It was my second rockstar moment in this whole journey. ;) Those kids sure know how to make me feel loved.  My advisory team also chose purple for our team shirts, and they pointed out that they named themselves Purple Pride for me, since the Vikings are my favorite! They know me so well.  It was the best day, and it turns out it was exactly where I needed to be yesterday.

So chemo...what does this mean? I have about a 2-3 hour appointment on Tuesday to learn more, but for now, here is what I know.  I will have a 12 week treatment, with 4 rounds every 3 weeks.  Mine will actually be closer to 13 weeks, as we will take 4 weeks in between one so we can still take our family vacation to Florida we've had planned for months.  The kids would've been devastated to cancel. Me too!  He was very clear about me still going to that, and added that 4th week in to be sure I'm feeling pretty good then.  To clarify, the cancer is still gone.  My tumor is gone and it isn't in my lymph nodes.  But, he said cancer is sneaky and there is a chance there could be a cell that snuck off somewhere.  It could never do anything, or one day it could decide to grow.  This chemo will wipe out any of those stray cells that may have decided to hang around.  I will start May 29.  I have no idea what to expect. I've googled a lot, and you come up with everything under the sun.  The side effects are enough to seriously terrify a person, but one thing I've learned is that even if you're taking the exact same drug as someone else, it seems to hit everyone differently.  So I'm back in this limbo time of the unknown, and man that is the hardest part.  The things I'm most worried about is it being summer, and me not being able to be there for my kids. I'm so worried about being sick and tired and not being able to give them what they need when they're home all summer. I'm so worried about that.

Of course there is the hair loss as well.  My Dr. shared with me this new thing they offer, called scalp cooling.  They work with a company called Paxman USA.  I guess cold caps have been around for awhile, but they're getting a lot better at them.  Basically you wear this super, super cold, tight cap around your head during chemo.  It basically constricts your blood flow to the scalp so the chemo doesn't get to your hair follicles, or something like that.  But, like everything, it can range from very successful, to somewhat successful, to not very successful.  I'd most likely still lose some hair, it would just thin out.  But some people still lose a lot.  It just all depends.  It also is not a lot of fun throughout the process, as I can't really do much to my hair, as far as styling goes, no heat, no products, etc.  He said he often recommends this for younger women, especially with little kids, as it can help when mom still kind of looks like herself.  Beckett seems to be pretty worried about this, as we've talked about it a bit.  But when he clarified that my head will not fall of, because then my brain would fall out, he seemed a little better.  4 year olds...Poor little man. The scary part is, as I've done a little research, is it can be very painful for the first 10-20 while your scalp freezes.  It cools down to like -4 or something crazy.  They said it's like an extreme brain freeze, and then after it basically goes numb.  You also have to wear the cap super tight, so the chin strap can be pretty uncomfortable too.  Though there are plenty of women who say it's really not that bad. Like everything, it's all just personal to individuals. It's also not covered by insurance, so it's an expense as well.  But...it might just let me keep my hair, and feel a bit more like myself during this awful process.  I basically have until Tuesday to decide, and I'm pretty torn, but leaning towards giving it a try. If it's super awful, I can just stop after round one and deal with it.

So that's the update.  It sucks. SO much.  Though after processing, I know I will be so glad I did it when it's over.  I think if I wouldn't have needed it, I would've always wondered if I should have had it.  If it (Heaven forbid) came back someday, I think I always would've wondered if it would've if I would've done chemo.  So it's going to be awful, but I'm going to be okay. It will be the first summer ever, that I will wish it to go by so fast.  My apologies to everyone else for that. ;). The other big downside I was so sad about is that I'm stuck with these expanders for much longer now, as we can't do the exchange until well after chemo, due to risk of infection.  So that's that.  I will know more Tuesday, but that's where we are.  I'm feeling a little better about it, as I slowly come to terms with it, but there's nothing great about it at the moment.  I'm just trying to stay focused on that 95% cure rate, and  as a wise friend text me the other night, I'm doing this to hold my grandbabies one day.  That thought definitely helps.  I've got to look at this chemo as my helper and my friend, and not my enemy.   So if you'd like to keep praying for me, I just ask for prayers that this chemo all goes  smoothly, without any complications, that I have minimal side effects, and that I can still be a good mom to my kids this summer.  Thanks so much for all the love and support.