2 Years. 2 Freaking years. 2 years ago on March 14 this all began. I woke up, showered, ran out of the damn soap..and felt the lump and that entire day was a whirlwind after that. It all happened so fast. I still can't even believe it most days, that this is my life, that this happened, that I did that, that I'm doing this...all of the things. I am a cancer survivor. It really still does sound crazy to me sometimes to say that. I've been feeling a lot lately, and as this milestone day has been approaching, I've been grappling with all kinds of things, and realized I basically just let this space go, and that was never my intention. My hope was always that this might be a place for others in a similar situation, younger women/mothers of young kids especially, to read the thoughts of someone like them that went through this, that did it. I'm sad that I let it go for so long and I really am going to try to make it a point to update more often.
So 2 years later and here we are. Things are good. My health is good. It feels amazing to be able to say that. I have had a few scares here and there. This past summer I was dealing with a lot of headaches. I've always gotten headaches but there were definitely more. My inner goal-keeper told me I needed to get checked out. It's just so hard to know. I definitely had to advocate for myself, and finally made them check my brain and make sure it was all okay. Thank God it was, and after that clear scan of my head, I was able to relax a little and not surprisingly, the headaches subsided a lot. It was so worth getting checked out. Most recently feeling a little lump in my breast area, which was terrifying. I tried to let it go for awhile, as I really did think it was nothing. I did feel very different from the cancer lump I remember feeling so that was reassuring, but it was still there. I had my regularly scheduled appointment in May so I was just going to wait to get it checked then. But it just kept eating at me. I was finding it hard to focus on things, and not constantly be worried about it. So I called and they had me come in for an ultrasound and appt to get it checked. Those ultrasounds are so dang scary. They do the scan, can't say anything leave, come back in with the dr., they sit and look things over and those moments are absolutely terrifying. I really wish they had a different way of doing that lol! But it was nothing, just a cyst. WHEW. But dang, it should really be illegal for cancer survivors to get cysts in their breast area. The doctor said I did exactly the right thing by coming in. He reminded me that since we don't do scans, symptoms are all I have to go on so I have to kind of be the "goal-keeper" of my body. I told him I absolutely don't want that job! That's a lot of freaking pressure...and trying to sort out the normal aches/pains/headaches/bumps..from the ones you're supposed to worry about. Constantly sorting that out in your head is H.A.R.D. But I'm doing my best and just really so thankful I get to opportunity to be that goal-keeper, even if it's a job I really would rather not have. It means I'm here. I am a survivor, and I'm moving on.
The mental piece is still something I am really struggling with, to be honest. That has really continued to be my biggest battle this last year. Dealing with it on top of the other Covid craziness really made for an interesting year! But it has been hard. I think that is the most important piece I wanted to share here if you ever find yourself in this place reading this. I never expected how hard it would be moving forward. There are so many things..the constant worry or every feeling, that comes with playing "goal-keeper", the fear and worry of recurrence. the awful thoughts of not being here for my kids and my husband that go along with that..not seeing them grow up, graduate, get married, etc. are thoughts I let into my head far too often...and the body image struggles have been so hard..harder than I ever imagined. I thought I was so tough lol! HA! I made it through cancer, I am a bad-ass, I had a huge surgery, lost my breasts, lost lots of my hair, went through chemo...I DID IT. I thought I was so tough! All of that is true, and I do know that I am tough, and if you're going through it, you are SO TOUGH and most definitely are a bad-ass! But it doesn't mean moving forward isn't hard as freaking shi$! I think also part of it that is so hard, is the fact that when you're "done" with treatment, and start to look normal again, everyone just expects you to be done and back to normal, but I do know now, it will never be normal. It's a new kind of normal. I hate that term, but it's true. It's hard to walk around feeling absolutely everything but normal, but feeling like you have to kind of act normal because everyone expects you to be. It's weird and hard to describe, but it's true. It most certainly isn't anyone's fault..the world does move on, everything moves on and so should we..it's just a little tricky how to figure out how to keep doing that as this different person, yet still the same..if that makes any sense at all. It's crazy.
It was getting to a place where it was just getting too hard to try to navigate alone, though I was trying my dang best, and really thought I should be able to do on my own, but I really wasn't in a good place. After my oncologist appointment in November, he recommended a therapist that specializes in working with oncology patients and survivors. I had tried meeting with a therapist last year a few times, but honestly I didn't love it and I hated having one more appointment to go to. I was reluctant to try again, but I love my oncologist and trust him completely and he recommended this one particular doctor only, without hesitation. After meeting with her the first time, I knew it was going to be different, and I knew why he chose her especially for me. It has made a world of difference talking with her. I feel no shame in putting it out here to the universe that I'm talking with someone. I hate the stigma surrounding mental health. There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with seeking out help for our mental health. It is just as important as our physical health, especially trying to move forward after something traumatic like a cancer diagnosis and treatment. That is what she has helped me see in the few months I've been meeting with her. My cancer was a traumatic event, and what I'm going through now is somewhat of a PTSD type of experience. This makes SO much sense to me. The triggers I have..certain doctor's offices , the clothes I wore during chemo, the smells in the air this time of year with the windows open that I was smelling when I was just finding out and in the initial days of my diagnosis, the book I was reading that day while waiting on my mammogram...all of those things trigger me to such a place that makes it so hard. I have to train my brain and learn strategies to move forward and not let that fear and those feelings take over.
The body image is another piece. I have a love/hate relationship with the Tamoxifen I have to take. I love it because it's helping keep the cancer away. Trust me, I LOVE it for that. But I don't love how it makes me feel. It just makes me feel like a slightly different version of myself and it's hard. It's hard to recognize it, feel it, and not be able to really control it. Essentially it puts me into menopause at 39..and all of the fun things that go alone with that. But I'm doing my best! I guess I'll be a pro at it when I actually get to go through it for real again down the road! It's also a little hard for me to admit that I still haven't looked in the mirror at my new chest...and it's almost 2 years later. I just can't do it. To be honest, I don't know why I can't. I just don't want to look. I don't want to see it. It's crazy I know, but it's where I am. I miss my body before. ]I just never expected that I would care that much about it. So yeah...that's another thing we're working on and talking about with my incredible therapist and I know I'll get there eventually. I'm so grateful to my body for fighting that awful disease, and conquering it. I am..I just don't really want to look at it...yet! lol!
But in all seriousness, if this sounds like you, you're not alone. If you're finding this and just starting your journey, I don't mean for this to scare you! You can DO THIS and you will! I just wish I would've known and been a bit more prepared for just how much of a battle this was still going to be after..just in different ways. I would recommend not hesitating in finding someone to talk to if you need that. There is absolutely no shame in that. I wish I would've found her a year ago. My number one priority has always been being around for my kids and my husband and family, and I want to be here and be the best mom/wife/friend I can be...and I wasn't in that spot this past year. I feel like I have hope again, that I can and will get back to a little bit more of the me I was before this whole thing. If you're reading this and someone you love is battling cancer, I get asked often from people what they can give or gift someone going through chemo, etc..and my answer has really become (well after cozy blankets and comfy pants of course because you can't even have too many of either of those) to just remember to keep checking in on them after the chemo/treatment/surgery is done.
Oh, and new on my list of things that I have to keep battling for is my DOG! We got the absolute sweetest puppy, Maverick, in December and I am now a total dog mom to the max. He is the sweetest. I guess I also have to thank cancer for that a little bit too! My kids have always, always wanted a dog. When I was pretty sick that summer going through chemo, I told Cullen that if anything happened to me, he had to promise to get the kids a dog. Well last summer it kind of occurred to me one day, why the hell does something have to happen to me to get a dog? That's not fair! I want the dang dog too! So, we got on a waiting list, and Maverick was born in October and we got to take him home on December and he's everything I could've ever hoped for in a dog!
So there we are. 2 years later and that's that. I can't even believe it's been two years. I know it sounds cliche to keep saying but it's absolutely the truth. I'm here, I'm well, and I will continue to fight be the very best me I can be, for all of those people (and animals) that I love! I have SO many things to be thankful for...my kids, Cullen, my family, my dog, my friends, my job, my health...so many good things going on. I'm absolutely 100% blessed to be in this place two years later. I feel like I'm taking control of my mental heath and my physical health and it feels damn good. So again..if you're new on this cancer journey, you can do this. You can do the hard things, you are a bad-ass, and you are a fighter..but also know it's OKAY to reach out and seek out help if you need it, even after the initial fight is done...and also, get a damn dog! ;) I highly recommend it!
