Moving Forward

Wow...it's been a minute.  It sounds so cliche to say when you're typing something like a blog, but it's been nearly two months since I've updated.  I'm so sorry to those that depend on this to follow along. I knew it had been awhile, but can't believe it's been quite that long. Where did that two months go?!  Oh yeah...back to school, photo sessions, recovering from the toll chemo took on this body of mine, another surgery...no wonder it's gone by so fast! So brace yourselves because this is probably going to be one long entry, as I really want to rely on this someday when I look back and say, "I did this!" I don't want to leave too many parts out.  There have been many times I've thought about sitting down to update here, but life gets in the way, or I didn't have the words, and then the moment passed and here we are now, nearly two months later.

So let's back up to the last time. I had just finished chemo and my last post was about the fact there was no bell to ring, no big finale, nothing. Not that I needed anything like that, it just seemed like some sort of closure was missing.  Let me tell you...my village is AMAZING.  AHHHHHMAZING.  I was in a really low spot for a lot of the end of August.  Very low.  I was sitting in the living room one night with my mom, just chatting and Cullen mentioned someone was outside for me.  I actually asked him who it was, and to see if they could maybe come back, because I was really just not up for visitors at that moment. I felt terrible, I looked terrible, I was mentally just down and I just wasn't in the mood to put on the smiley face and pretend everything was okay.  But he said I needed to come out.

When I stepped outside, our driveway was FILLED, and I mean FILLED, with neighbors, coworkers, students, family, friends...all out ringing bells for me. It was one of the most powerful, emotional moments of my life. These people all came together in one day, to do this for me.  I was so touched. I couldn't do much but just cry and thank them.  It sounds like such a small thing, but this powerful moment just filled me up so much, in a time when I was feeling so down, so sad and so weak.  They'll all never know just how much it meant.

Shortly after that, it was back to school time.  I was so excited to just get back to some normalcy.  In my head when I saw that date on the calendar, I just thought everything would be good and I could get back to school and go on.  I was so wrong.  There was nothing normal about it.  The chemo builds up in your body each round, and I severely underestimated how long it would take me to bounce back from that last round.  I was so tired, and the side effects were so much worse. I was still dealing with hives, my hair that had held on pretty good for the most part, started falling out like crazy again, which was SO hard to deal with.  My eyelashes went, my eyebrows went, I was so swollen from all the steroids to prevent my hives.  It was so hard.  The mental toll that all of those things take on a person is so real.  It sounds so simple to say that it's just hair, or just eyelashes, or not matter how many times someone tries to tell you that you look great, etc. You just can't describe what it feels like to look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at you.  The last few weeks of August and beginning of September were some of my toughest of this whole cancer journey so far, and I think they were extra tough because I just wasn't expecting it. I thought I had done the hard stuff already.

I became faced with the question of - What the heck do I do with this hair when school starts? I was sooooo close to just shaving my head at that point. I was, but I couldn't do that either as it was too late. I'd have patches that were shaved, and then I'd have patches that were completely bald.  It would've been something.   I came home and cried most nights after our first week of workshop, trying to decide what to do about this. I was trying so hard to be okay all day at work, and just couldn't really hold it together when I got home.  I couldn't just hide in my room, and I couldn't wear hats every day.  My boss is wonderful and gave me the go ahead to wear hats..but I just can't do it every single day.  It gives me a headache if I wear them too long, inside especially, and it also just is hard to feel like you look nice. 

So after the first day of workshop, one of my dear friends and coworkers Nikki, encouraged me to wear the wig. She had such a great point.  Try it out during workshop week, with my school family.  I have it after all, so why not just wear it right?! I have it, and it's an incredible wig. It's SO much easier said than done.  That was just such a huge emotional thing.  So I was going to do it the next day, and I woke up and just couldn't so I put the hat on again.  But I knew that the next day I needed to do it, if I was ever going to. So I practiced putting it on that night, and the next morning I did it. 

When I walked in to school that morning, some of my closest coworkers just happened to be standing right near the door I walked in, and when I saw them, I started crying again.  You're all going to think I'm a huge crybaby after this post lol, but to be super honest, I did probably cry more in the those last 3 weeks of August, than I have in my entire life combined lol!  I'm much better now. ;)  They assured me I looked great in my wig..with my swollen face and no eyelashes or brows (they're all so kind).  I put on my brave face, and went into our big staff meeting, and then really did start to accept the wig, and wore it for the first few weeks of school, most every day. I did wear my fave maroon and gold hat on Fridays.  Here's a picture of my incredible school family.  This was day two of me wearing my wig on our big Back to School night.  I blend in nicely. ;)

As incredible as my wig is, it still feels strange wearing a wig.  So that's why I wore the hat on Fridays at first.  At that point, I didn't feel like I could go without either. I had lost so much hair.  But we aren't supposed to wear hats to school, so I knew I had to address it with my kids.  I was so nervous to do this.  Fifth graders are full of love, but they're also brutally honest lol! What would they think? Would they think it was weird, or gross, I don't know. But I did know I needed to tell them. I have all the signs and thinks up in my room about Being You, Be Unique..our entire first week is built  upon getting to know one another and being proud of who you are, and not letting others make you feel less, etc. I felt like a big liar if I stood up there and didn't own who I was.  So I shared with them on the Thursday of the first week of school..that I was wearing a wig, and sometimes I might wear hats, and other times I might get brave and wear nothing.  That moment, sharing with my kids, will forever be one of my most powerful teaching moments I think.  They were amazing, and it felt so good to get that off my chest.  Since doing that...I wore my wig sometimes, I wore a hat sometimes, and I went with nothing and just pulled what was left of my hair into a sad little pony at the back of my head, and tried to pretend you couldn't see any bald patches. ;)

But..little by little, the days got better and easier and I felt better and more like me, day by day. I got more comfortable with my hair/wig/hat situation, the swelling started to go away, I got some energy back, and things were headed the right direction.  Now here we are...9 weeks post chemo.  I have little, tiny baby eyelashes starting to grow back, the brows are slowly coming back, and my bald patches on my head are starting to regrow baby hairs. I'm still shedding hair, which is crazy, but very little, and it's so reassuring to see the new little hairs starting to come in. Here are a few pics of me rocking the wig at the start of the year.  It's really insane how much it looks like my real hair.

Beckett's First Day of School

Harper's First Day

 Avery's First Day and my first day rocking the wig with my students

Purple wig for our Border battle Day!

I wasn't quite done yet though, as my surgery as scheduled for October 9, to replace the awful tissue expanders. Of course a week before I got the worst cold ever, and was so afraid I wouldn't be able to do it, but it happened! They are out and it feels wonderful.  I'm a week out from that surgery and feel pretty good, for the most part.  I'm sore, but that's really all.  I can tell something is in there.  It definitely doesn't feel like my natural boobs yet, but I know I'm still sore, and it isn't uncomfortable like the expanders, just kind of strange.  I'm sure you just get used to it.  The surgery was quick and recovery wasn't bad at all. Other than the fact it took about 3 different tries and people to get my iv and blood draw.  They finally had to call in the anesthesiologist to do both of them. I can only use one arm now from my lymph node removal, and my already small veins are shot from chemo running through them I guess, since I didn't have a port.  But, it feels so good to have that checked off the list too.  

So the final step I'm starting tomorrow, is to begin taking the next drug, that I will need to take for at last five years. It's called tamoxifen.  I'm terrified for this next step.  The side effects, like chemo, sound pretty miserable, and knowing that I may have to deal with it for give years kind of sucks.  Things like moodiness, fatigue, weight gain, hair thinning, hot flashes, mental fogginess...I joking said to my doctor, "So I will feel like I have PMS for 5 years?" He laughed and said he hadn't thought of it like that, but they do start at a low dose and see how a person handles it, and then slowly increase it if able.   It's an estrogen blocker, so it makes sense it will mess with a person's hormones. I've never done well on drugs that do that, so please send some prayers my way that it isn't awful.  Pray for Cullen too! ;) But, since my cancer is estrogen fed, this is a really important drug to take, and I'm so glad it's an option for me.  I'm just terrified to start it.  I've never been a person that likes medicine.  I hate feeling like I've lost some control over my body, so knowing I have to do this for five years just scares me so much.

So that's kind of where we are right now. I'm so thankful and filled with gratitude to be at that point, but it's been way harder than I expected too. I've recently read some things from other cancer survivors, and it sounds like I'm not alone in the fact that the mental aspect of dealing with this nasty disease, seems to be harder for me at the end of treatment, than it was during.  I think the fact of facing what's next, the realization of knowing you're "done" but never really "done", the crippling fear of it coming back and going through this, or worse, again, the terrifying feeling of nausea that comes over me anytime something in my body feels weird or different and questioning if it's cancer back or not, and the chemo brain and feeling a little out of control over your body.  It's all just really, really freaking hard.  I saw this quote from a cancer survivor, and it describes what I'm feeling exactly.  

I told Cullen I'm anxious to start working out again, doing my best to eat healthier, and just try to do some things that help me feel like I have a little bit of control over my body, as I feel like I've had zero control over it the past 7 months.  It's so hard to feel like a stranger in your own body..everything from the boobs, the hair and most of all the brain.

So I guess the next step now is moving on to accepting that this is life now and trying to just embrace and hold on to the fact that I've done all I can do to make sure this cancer is out of my body and this part is done.  I told my sister though, I'm caught between finding myself not wanting to say things like, "I'm so glad this is over" or other things like that because I'm terrified of jinxing myself..or just trying to be positive and just saying that I'm done. I did it.  Peace out cancer.  I'm going to try my best to focus on the positives.  I have three sweet kids and incredible husband that desperately need to get their mama and wife back to her best self and I'm going to do all that I can to make that happen. 

If you've made it this far, thank you for supporting me on this journey, for the prayers and the love.  You will all never know how much it's meant to me and my family.  Right now, my prayers are big and bold for peace moving forward so that the fear and anxiety of this cancer coming back doesn't get to be too much, of course that this cancer stays away FOR GOOD, and that the effects of this new drug I have to take for five years aren't too terrible.  My faith has been strengthened so much during this whole thing.  I find myself talking to God in the shower most every day. Is that weird? Lol.  He has brought me through this in a way I never imagined I would get through it 7 months ago.  There have been many, many difficult days, but many amazing days too, and at the end of each day, I know He has got me, and has provided me with peace and strength when I've needed it most and I know He will continue to do that.  So I'm just going to keep clinging to that.  I will really try not to go two months without an update again, but I really hope that life just moves along and that there isn't anything exciting to update, except to say that things are going awesome right?!  Thanks for reading, and again for all of the love, support and prayers.

Can I Get A Buzzer Please?

Well I made it through my last chemo appointment. I say it that way, because yesterday was a hard day. I think there was so much excitement and celebration around that actual last appointment, and that feeling of making it..but yesterday, going on day 5 of feeling like absolute crap, and my hair still shedding, it just hit me that I'm not quite there yet. I did the thing, I got the meds, but they're still in my body for quite some time, creating all the lovely havoc that they do.  I guess I just felt like after Wednesday last week, and making it through the toughest days after, it should feel a little conquering a Ninja Warrior course or something.  Like there should be some sort of buzzer I should get to just hit and just end this all.  Boom! I'm done! I made it...now go.

It struck me yesterday that this isn't quite exactly how this works, and that was a hard day to deal with.  First I need to let these awful, yet wonderfully lifesaving drugs, work their magic.  Then, there is that next step of learning how to deal with what is next.  Like I said, I want that buzzer to hit. I did my part.  I fought this. I lost my boobs. I lost hair.  It was a rough summer.  Let's move on.  But how do you move on from this? My statistics are promising. I'm so lucky for that.  But nothing is guaranteed and that is hard. I want so badly to say chemo is done forever..but I find myself pausing in the back of my head and hearing that little voice that says...I hope.  I don't want to hear that little voice. I want to move forward with courage and confidence and say, I am done with chemo FOREVER!!! I want to shout it! Maybe it's because I didn't get to ring that darn bell lol! Apparently ringing the bell is kind of a big right of passage when you finish cancer.

Well at my infusion center, would you believe that someone complained about the bell, because for some people, my dad included, chemo is just part of life. There isn't an end date or a finish line.  So apparently the bell was offensive to some and they took it out.  That makes me sad, but what can you do.  Looks like I might need to find some sort of bell to ring myself lol!

Then there are photos like this that strike me to.my.core.  This popped up on my Facebook timeline this morning.  Avery dancing with her daddy when she was little.

I remember exactly the moment when I snapped that, flashing forward to her future and thinking about her future wedding someday and wondering what it would be like. Now, what this awful, cancer has done is completely changed the way I think about stuff like that. Now I see this photo today and my first thought was just please dear God let me be at her wedding someday.  Please let me make it to that day.  Let me be here to raise my babies.  Those are NOT the thoughts a mama of an 11, 7 and 4 year old should have and I hate that I have them, but I do right now. I'm not quite sure yet how to switch that or when it does. I know this is all a process and this is one step on the journey.

So for now, as I recover from this last chemo and get ready for this next phase, I'd love it if you could please send some prayers my way that I move into this next phase, and that I can try to find some peace for how to move forward without the terrifying thought of this disease consuming every moment.  If you've done it, I'd love any tips or advice that might've helped you too. I really am confident I will get there. I know it's a process, but darn it, I just want to enjoy being done!  I just sure wish there was that magic buzzer that I could slam and say PEACE OUT CANCER!

Too Long!

Oh my gosh, last night Cullen asked me if I had updated here in awhile.  I knew it had been a little while, but didn't realize quite how long! Yikes!  Where did July go?  Oh my goodness!  So my lack of  updating here is due to two things really...we were on vacation and thoroughly enjoying SUMMER - and then round three happened and kicked.my.butt.  When I first got my schedule of chemo, I was crushed, as I figured it would completely ruin our summer.  I was so sad for my kids. I thought I would basically be a lump all summer, and not be able to do anything fun with them, but we stuck it to cancer! We did NOT let it ruin our summer at all!

At the beginning of July my brother and his girlfriend were home visiting from Columbus, so we soaked up lots of great family time.  Just after they left, we packed up the good ol' family minivan and headed for FLORIDA! My mom joined us, and we stayed in Fort Walton Beach, which is basically Destin, and enjed every darn second of the beach, the pool, reading, eating, resting, relaxing and just really enjoying some time together.  It was the best. To be super honest, it was so great to be able to have a week where it really didn't even feel like I had cancer.  My oncologist added in an extra round that week, so I was feeling pretty much totally normal! It felt so good.  It was nice to go about and just be mom for the week.

But, all good things must come to an end, and we got home on Sunday, July 21 and I had round three on July 24.  That one seriously kicked my butt.  It took a good extra few days to recover from this last round.  I was pretty much out of commission for nearly the whole following week.  It was rough.   This was the first time I was really pretty bitter about missing stuff.  I missed going to the fair with my family.  My kids always love doing that.  I missed my girls' track meet, which really upset me, but there was no way it was happening.   Thank goodness for the best grandparents that were there to cheer them on and support them.  I've said a million times, but SO thankful for family and friends.

Then, just when I thought I had kicked it, I broke out in hives. I had hives a bit after the last round, but nothing a little Benadryl couldn't handle. I thought the same thing was happening this time, so I tried some Benadryl, but it just kept getting worse, until Sunday morning when I woke up and I looked like Will Smith in the movie Hitch.  My face was swollen. My eye was swollen shut. My ear was swollen.  It was terribly itchy. It was quite a sight. I earned myself a trip to urgent care and a pretty heavy dose of prednisone for the week.  In fact, I took my last dose today.  Just in time to start more steroids on Tuesday next week.  Next time I will have to take the steroids I really, very strongly dislike for an extra 5 days after chemo, in hopes it keeps them from happening at all.  So many steroids, which just suck to be honest.  They just make me feel really crappy.  But, if they help, it's what we will do.  So this around has been really rough, and it's tough to belief I have to go on again Wednesday for more.  But...it's my LAST ROUND!!!

Did you hear that? LAST ROUND!!!  I've been prepared that this one will likely be rough as well, but I think mentally I will just be in such a better place knowing that it's over, and I don't have to do it again! I can't believe it's finally here.  When this all began, I apologized to everyone that there really has never been a summer that I have wished will go by fast, but I did this summer, and it absolutely has.  This last round is Wednesday and I have exactly one week to feel better before school pretty much begins! We have a big day for our 5th graders on the 21st that I'm so hoping I will be able to be at, and I start workshops on the 22nd.  So please keep me in your prayers for a speedy bounce back this round, and that I will be ready to go!

In this past week of feeling good, I've been able to finally sneak in some senior photo sessions, which has been so good too. I love doing that each summer and I've really missed it. I've managed to sneak in 5 sessions this week before this next round, and it has been so nice to get back to doing something I love! We also have been able to sneak in a day date to Vikings Training Camp, and just last night we took the girls to a Twins game.  We were gifted some pretty amazing seats through a caregiver support group Cullen is part of.  They were right behind the Twins dugout! It was so much fun, and we all had a blast! It's been SO important to me this summer that when I do feel well, we try to do as much as we can.  I know cancer has taken a lot from us this summer, but it has not ruined it at all.  We really have still been able to have a really great summer!

How about the hair?  Well when I've run into some people, I get the look that I can tell they are trying to figure out if it's my hair or my wig. I've been so fortunate that my hair has been hanging on.  It's super thin and feels totally different to me, and if the wind blows just right or it isn't parted just right I'm sure you can see some balder patches, but I've been able to hold on so far with my hair.  The wig is pretty hot, so I'm thankful for that for this summer.  It's just been such a wonderful blessing, to still just feel a little like myself. I think it's been so big for my kids too, to have me still just look like mom. I know they would've adjusted fine if I had lost it at all, but I'm so thankful for advances in technology that allow people to have this option.  I still have some shedding, but nothing like the week where it was coming out in clumps. That was just such an emotionally traumatic week.  

I was also able to finally set my surgery date for the day to get these awful tissue expanders out, and swap them for my permanent implants! October 9!!!  I have been looking forward to this day since I woke up from surgery back in April.  There really is no way to sugarcoat these bad boys.  They SUCK.  They do.  They are so uncomfortable.  They've made sleeping difficult.  They've made snuggling my babies, and having them sit on my lap and lay back on me difficult.  They've made my back sore.  They've made finding clothing to wear a bit difficult, where you don't see the indents they make on my skin.  They just are not fun.  There is no way around it.  I can't WAIT to get them out!  In fact, it was hard to push it to October, as I couldn't done it a month after chemo, but that would be right at the very beginning of the school year, and I know taking off a week of school so early isn't ideal for anyone.  So, we're fitting it in so I can recover around MEA break and miss a little less time, so I was super lucky to be able to schedule it then. I can't wait!!!  You better believe that date is marked HUGE on my calendar!

So here we are.  WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14..MY LAST DAY OF CHEMO!! Can you even believe it? I can't!!!  Thank you all so much for all of the prayers along the way. I can't believe we're to this point.  I think I've said it at the end of all of my posts here, but thank you all so, so much.  Thank you for the meals, for the cards, the flowers, the gifts, for the hugs, for helping with our kids, for supporting Cullen, for supporting my kids and for the prayers.  We wouldn't have made it this far without you all.  So if I could just ask for prayers this time that this last round goes smoothly, with little side effects and a speedy recovery so I will be ready to rock when school starts.  Also prayers that it happens on Wednesday. Beckett seems to have a bit of a cold, and I'm starting to panic a little that I will get it and things will be pushed back.  I think we're going to be just fine, but these are the things I think about now!  Enjoy your weekend! Some pics below of what we've been busy doing this summer, in between chemo! SUCK IT CANCER! You did not ruin our summer...not at all!

Twins game with the girls!

 Training camp day date!

 Family Beach Pic

 Cullen and I at the beach

 Beach with Avery and my Fighter hat

 Beach with my Harps

 Kids beach photo on the gorgeous white sand

Becks and I rocking matching hats!

What Makes A Woman?

What makes a woman? Clearly it's more than boobs and hair..but let's just chat about this a moment.  When I met with the lady at the wig store the other day, she said something that I've been thinking so much about.  She is a breast cancer survivor as well, and as I was sitting their crying my little eyes out, she said that while she was going through her battle, her oncologist told her something.  Cancer is a nasty beast.  It is ALL nasty.   ALL OF IT.  It is cruel and unforgiving.  Yet what makes breast cancer uniquely nasty in it's own way, is that it is such an assault on a woman's femininity.  This has stuck with me.  It is so, so true.  Those things that outwardly seem to define us as women...breasts, hair, weight...things we place so much value on and emphasis on what makes us a "beautiful woman" are all just assaulted.   Of course we can all say that as woman we are obviously so much more than that, and we are. We are moms, daughters, friends, sisters, warriors, teachers..the list goes on and on.  Clearly, we are SO much more than boobs, hair and a body.  But, if I'm being honest with myself, and I think many of you could agree right there with me, I do worry way too much about what I look like..my hair, my body, my weight, all of those things that supposedly define me, and that make me deem myself a "beautiful woman."

My dark roots start to show, I highlight my hair.  I start to put on some extra weight, I kick up the workouts or pay better attention to my eating.  I try to choose clothes that make me look thin, or show off the areas I want to emphasize.  The curves the breasts give the body of a woman.  All of these things I know I valued way more than I should.  That may make me sound shallow or vain, but I'm being real and I bet many of you are right there with me.  It's just the truth.   I challenge you to just think for a moment about how you would feel, faced with losing these parts of your identity as a woman.  It's breathtakingly difficult, and I think if anyone would say it isn't, you might not be being honest with yourself either.

The mastectomy took my boobs.  The medicine to fight the cancer is taking my hair. The steroids and the chemo are actually making me gain weight just because, so for someone that has battled food and body issues for much of my life, having no control over this is very, very hard.  So many people have said to me, "It's just hair" or "They're just boobs, you will get new ones!" If you've said this to me, or anyone else going through something like this, I know you mean well. I've probably said the same thing to someone.  Please don't feel the need to apologize for saying this.  I so appreciate the thought behind it.  I know how well intentioned it was, and I've probably joked about it myself.   But you guys, it is SO much more than hair.  It is SO much more than boobs.  When she said to me, "It's an assault on a women's femininity" it just struck a chord. It is so, so hard. I'm so blessed to have a husband, family and friends that I know love me all the same whether I'm bald, boobless, bigger, smaller, it doesn't matter.  But it doesn't take away the enormous difficulty of this part of the disease. It is HARD guys.  It's also so much more than just worrying about what I look like.  I'm really kind of getting past that.  It just goes so much deeper than that.

I shared these thoughts with my friend Jill this morning when she sent me a message and asked how I was doing emotionally...loaded question...ask carefully because if you catch me at the wrong moment...you get a rant like this lol! ;)  She shared some wise words back with me, and I hope she won't mind that I share with you as well, because I think she has a great challenge for all of us.  She said that while yes,  we are so much more than those things - those are the outward, visible things that define us as women.  They just are.  But, clearly who we truly are as women comes from within. So what can we do to spotlight and really focus on who we are?  Thinking about all of the hair, the makeup, the clothes, etc.  We put so much effort into that.  At least I know I do.   Are we putting as much effort into working on our inner beauty...like REALLY working on it?  It really made me think as well, and I challenge you all to think about this too.  Thanks for sharing these thoughts Jill.

For now, I'm trying my best to stay laser focused on the fact that despite all the havoc this nasty medicine is creating both inwardly and outwardly in my body right now, it is also working to destroy any nasty cancer in my body and hopefully protect my body from it ever returning.  THAT is the most important thing.  Because while I do miss my boobs, and the hair coming out in clumps is alarming, and the tighter pants and swelling face are definitely no fun to accept..at the end of the day my goal is to be here for my kids and my family, so I'm going to summon all of my inner badassedness (Yes, I made up this word, and no worries..I will not be adding it to my 5th grade vocab list this fall) to continue to battle this beast with all that I have. But, I do hope this has challenged you to think just a little bit about who you REALLY are as a woman, because I know we are all BADASS woman....no matter what kind of boobs, hair, body, skin, etc. that we all have, because really we are all SO MUCH MORE than that.  That is what I want my girls to see and those are the woman I want them to grow to become.


**Side note..my friend Jill who shared these thoughts with me, is also the mama of a very special student I had this year.  Griffin is a cancer warrior.  He has battled and he has prevailed.  He is incredibly strong.  He is brave, he is smart, he is kind, he is athletic...the list goes on and on.  But right now he is also scared.   He has some huge scans coming up on Monday so I know he and his family would appreciate any extra prayers you can send their way for peace this weekend as the worry of those scans can is beyond overwhelming.  I hate that any 12 year old has to endure this worry and fear. Also, please pray for NO CANCER to show up in any of those scans so he can get back to baseball, summer, and just being 12. 

Crying Under The Camo

Well if I’m being real, this is real today. It’s been a really tough, emotional -cry under my camo hat- (thanks to my super sweet friend Amy for this hat by the way) kind of day today. Coming off round two chemo and starting to feel a bit better again so that is good news, but the hair is shedding and falling out like crazy, I feel super gross, had an appointment with  a wig store today. The lady was super sweet and helpful, but holy wig sticker shock. I was so hopeful the scalp cooling thing would work, but it’s not looking like it, and accepting that is tough. Today I looked in the mirror sitting in that wig shop chair and saw myself as a cancer patient, and that was hard. I’d venture to say it’s been one of the toughest days on this adventure.

Just a tough day all around today. I am pretty strong 98% of the time, but I feel like it’s only fair to keep it real, so that if someone else reads this some day, it’s okay to know it’s okay to have these days. So I will get through it and tomorrow will be better I know ...but today I’m calling this one in. 😨😢

Not Just A Job

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile.  I am beyond lucky that when I wake up in the morning and go to work, I'm not just going to work.  It is so much more than just a job.  I truly am so lucky to absolutely love what I do.  I love teaching.  I always have.  But, finding my home in 5th grade at my school, teaching my favorite thing, reading and writing, is really living the dream for me. I love it.  It is even more special when you just have one of those years with an incredibly special group of kids, and this year was one of those years for me.

That made it especially hard when I found out I was going to need to miss a good chunk of the end of the year. I was so crushed to think about leaving my kids, right at the end, after we'd come so far together.  I was so sad to think about turning them over to someone else, and what that would look like.  I am so incredibly thankful that this special lady stepped in for me.  Mrs. Dresow.  What can I really even say about her? Those that know her, know exactly what I mean when I say how thankful I am for her and that she agreed to take over for me.  She is the type of teacher that we all hope to be someday.  She is an incredible instructor but an even better human.  She makes lessons fun, engaging and she just knows how to teach.  She also knows how to love and understand kids, yet hold them to high expectations.  She gets them as a whole child.  She establishes a wonderful climate in a classroom.  I like to think that we really had that going this year as well, which is why it was so important to me that someone be able to step in and take over and keep that going for us. The end of the school year can get a little crazy, so to know that it would continue to go smoothly was so important.   Mrs. Dresow is respected and loved by so many, and just one of those extra special people.  For those that don't know, she taught in our school district for many years, and retired just a few years ago.  She is likely a favorite teacher of most that have had the privilege to have had her.  She is one of those teachers that people remember forever. I know this because my nephew had her as a fifth grade teacher.  He's now nearly 23, and I know she is one of his favorites.   She really should've spent her spring enjoying her grandchildren, being outside, etc. But she selflessly chose to step in for me.  I knew then that my kids were going to be in the best hands.  There is nobody else that I would've loved more to take my place, unless my own mom would've wanted to do it, but she was busy helping take care of me! 😉

I know a big part of the reason that she agreed to step in was because she too knew what a great group of kids she was getting to work with.  So to any parents of my fifth graders that may be reading this, thank you for raising such incredible kids, with the biggest hearts.

I could go on and on about how wonderful she was.  She was constantly checking in with me about how I was feeling and recovering, keeping me up to speed with what was going on at school, and helping me to stay involved as much as I could.  This meant so much.  There were also the little things.  Right after my mastectomy, these flowers were delivered to me! They were the most special flowers ever. ;) They are perfect for me because they are bright, cheerful, and  I can't kill them lol! She had the kids make them, and in fact I still have them sitting out in my house.

Then, when I came back after being out for 4 weeks recovering after my mastectomy, I walked in and saw this.  I have a huge white wall in my room.  She had it completely covered with butterflies that the kids had made for me, with writing on them using wonderful figurative and descriptive language! ;) They looked beautiful and the kids were so excited for me to see it.  They also had a shirt for me, which I wear proudly..and is super soft lol! For those of you that know me well, you know I'm kind of a t-shirt diva, and very picky about the material! ;)

Check out some of these! These kids. <3 I actually had to stop reading them when I walked in, and wait until after school...all the tears.

So you can see how incredible lucky and thankful I am to have had this wonderful lady step in for me.  Joan, I can never thank you and your family enough for giving your time to my kids and to me this spring.  You took such a huge worry off of me, knowing my kids were in the best hands.  Like I said, I am so lucky to be able to go to "work" where I do.  These people are why.  This is the elementary and middle school staff in my school district. I've worked in both buildings, with the best people.  They all wore their pink for me the day of my mastectomy.  They have looked out for my own children and kept a special eye on them for me through this difficult spring.  They've sent cards, gift cards, brought meals, given me hugs..I could go on and on.  I know how lucky I am.  I can never thank you all enough for being such an important part of this whole cancer journey.  From the very bottom of my heart. thank you. I wouldn't be getting through this without you.

Almost Normal

Almost normal. When people ask how I am and how I'm doing, this is kind of the best response I can give right now.  I have round one almost behind me.  It's hard to believe I have round two already next week.  At first when I realized that, I was sad as it means I know I'll be feeling pretty crappy again for a bit, but it also means 2 out of 4 will be done! That is amazing. I can do this.  So how did it go?  It wasn't AWFUL.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't great and it sucks that I have to do it 3 more times, but it was doable. I can do it.  I realize things could be so much worse.

The actual chemo day wasn't too bad. I made it to my girls' ball that night, and even the next morning I joined Harps at school.  Then I got CRAZY exhausted.  Like the most tired you can imagine. It's hard to explain. The sucky part, you'd think being that tired, I'd just sleep all day, but I couldn't really sleep.  It was hard.  I couldn't get comfortable. I had to get a Neulasta injection the day after, which basically kicks my bone marrow into overdrive to make more white blood cells, but it comes with crazy bone and join pain.  Cullen and the kids would try to hug me, and for a couple days, it just really hurt to be touched.  I did learn you can take Claritin and that helps, and I think it definitely did take the edge off.  It wasn't debilitating or anything, just super annoying and uncomfortable. That only lasted a couple days though.  As far as nausea, they gave me some pills for that, and I took the wise advice of the lady next to me at chemo.  She said just take them every 6 hours and stay on top of it, rather than waiting to get sick and playing catch up.  I did that, and the nausea was really manageable.  From Thursday-Sunday was pretty tough.  I just didn't feel good, and was super tired. I did find I needed to get out of the house though a little each day or I was easily headed to that dark place, that is no good, being sad and feeling sorry for myself.  It really helped to get out.  We just did quick things.  My parents took me to dinner Friday night while Cullen had the kids.  Saturday Cullen and I went out to dinner while my parents had the kids overnight, and Sunday Cullen and I went to  church.  I had to sit down 3 times in church during music, but I was there and it felt so good.  I was missing my kids though.  We just kind of tried to keep them busy, and away from me for those most part for those tough days. I think it was best for them not to see me at my worst those days.  I just didn't know what to expect, and hated them to see me feeing so crappy.  I would say by Sunday night I was feeling quite a bit better and some energy was coming back and my babies were back with me, which helped too. By Monday, I was feeling pretty good, other than the thing that had been causing me the most trouble since even a few days before chemo, which was my back.  We went out to get flowers and I went to Beckett's first night of t-ball. I was feeing okay, other than this back pain.  At ball, my back started spasming like crazy. It got worse as the evening went on.  My about 8:30 I was in, quite possibly, the worst pain of my life. I dare say it was worse than labor.  In fact, I thought maybe I was having kidney stones or something.  I called my oncologist, and of ALL the oncologists with MN Oncology that could've been on call that night, it was my doctor.  Another God moment..I think so.  I really needed to hear from him that it was crazy to think the cancer had spread to my bones and was in my back.   But, that is where my head was.  It's such a mind trip.  He reassured me that he has absolutely had no reason to believe that, given all we know about the pathology of my tumor, etc.  But, he did say to go on in and get checked out. So off we went to the emergency room.

Positive of cancer...no waiting at the ER! I got right in, taken right back and tended to immediately. I don't know if it was the cancer, or the amount of pain I was in, but either way, I'll take it! ;) If you remember, I don't do pain meds. They make me super sick. I managed 2 c-sections and a double mastectomy without any, but they told me I should try some, and I didn't fight it. I was hesitant but the pain was unbearable. They did a super, super slow drip of morphine and that helped immensely.  Then they gave me a valium.  After those two things, I was feeling better. I could feel the spasms still, but it definitely too the edge of.  My urine sample and blood test came back fine for kidney stones, but I think he could see I was still uneasy about not doing the ct scan, just to be sure there wasn't anything going on back there.  I told him my oncologist said to do it, and he said we could so they did that. Thanks GOD it all came back okay, with no signs of anything going on back there.  They said it was likely muscular, which totally makes sense.  For 6 weeks, I had been sleeping super stiff, on my back, propped up. I think all the pressure finally hit it's point on my lower back. I've since met with my physical therapist for lymphedema prevention and told her about this and she agreed as well, and worked on my back a bit and it felt amazing.   But that Monday night, they sent me home with hydrocodone and another super strong muscle relaxer.  I took them, as I seemed to handle the other stuff okay, and was still in some pain.

On Tuesday morning I woke up and felt out of my mind.  My head was fuzzy, I had a headache, my ears were muffled and I was sick to my stomach. I basically threw up all day.  I was so sad. It was the worst I've felt so far AND I was missing school, and I was so ready to get back for the last days.  It was awful. By Tuesday night at about 6:00, I was finally able to keep some food down, and started feeling better and my back felt okay.  I fell asleep at about 9:00 and actually slept all night for the first time in days. On Wednesday morning I woke up and I couldn't believe it. I felt GOOD! I text my sub Joan (another post about her coming soon..she has been the biggest blessing during this spring) and told her I felt GOOD and was planning on making it to school for the last day! I told her she should still come, in case I needed to leave, but I was going to be there! I MADE IT!!! It was the absolute best feeling to be able to be there for that last day with my kids.  Since Wednesday of last week, I'd say for the most part, I feel "almost normal" and more like myself each day.  I'm okay.  I have energy to play with my kids, drive them to wear they need to be, pick up my house, get to their ball games. I'm okay.  My motto this summer is if I feel good, we're doing it! I was even able go on the boat cruise on Lake Minnetonka with Cullen's school on Friday and out with friends after, help my sister and Aaron move into their beautiful new home on the lake on Saturday, and make it up to our niece's birthday party on Sunday!  It was so great, and felt so good to do things like I normally would. It was also so good for my kids to see me being and feeling normal.  I feel so noncommittal to any sort of plans this summer, which is hard. Everything is just tentative on how I'm feeling. But I've heard things tend to go about the same from one round to the next, so it's nice to know kind of what to expect and be able to plan a bit. I've even scheduled some photo sessions, which I'm super excited about, as I wasn't sure how that would go this summer and I can't imagine a summer without any.  I just love doing them!

So I'm super curious to see what the next round brings. I think much of my discomfort those first few days was my back pain, which I'm hoping was just sucky timing, and that I won't have it this time.  I also think the reason I got SO sick that Tuesday was all the pain meds. I just can't handle them, and I had SO many that night.  I'm hoping it was that and not a delayed chemo reaction, but we will see.  I keep trying to tell myself, even if it's all the same, it was one super sucky week..and then two pretty normal weeks. I can do that.  It isn't fun, but I can do it.  Mama strong right?!

The hair...it's hanging in there! I keep waiting for a big shed to start.  Yesterday was Day 14 and that typically is when they say you see that start.  I brush it frequently, as you're supposed to, to avoid matting, and I inspect that brush like a crazy person!  I'm trying to be realistic in that I will likely lose some hair, and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself fort when that happens, but I know it will still be hard.  Though from what I hear, most people that have gone through this say you're really the only one who notices, as it feels different, more than looks different.  But, if you see me this summer, I'm really trying to stick to the rules of no heat and styling so I'm looking a hot mess..but whatevs right?!  Small price to pay.

So that's pretty much that.  It was doable..not fun, but doable. The fact that one round is done and I know what to expect is such a relief.  That unknown is the worst, and unfortunately with cancer there is so dang much unknown and it definitely is the hardest part.  Round 2 is Wednesday next week already.  My attitude right now is let's get this show on the road.  The sooner we do it, the sooner it's done. I can do this.