Moving Forward

Wow...it's been a minute.  It sounds so cliche to say when you're typing something like a blog, but it's been nearly two months since I've updated.  I'm so sorry to those that depend on this to follow along. I knew it had been awhile, but can't believe it's been quite that long. Where did that two months go?!  Oh yeah...back to school, photo sessions, recovering from the toll chemo took on this body of mine, another surgery...no wonder it's gone by so fast! So brace yourselves because this is probably going to be one long entry, as I really want to rely on this someday when I look back and say, "I did this!" I don't want to leave too many parts out.  There have been many times I've thought about sitting down to update here, but life gets in the way, or I didn't have the words, and then the moment passed and here we are now, nearly two months later.

So let's back up to the last time. I had just finished chemo and my last post was about the fact there was no bell to ring, no big finale, nothing. Not that I needed anything like that, it just seemed like some sort of closure was missing.  Let me tell you...my village is AMAZING.  AHHHHHMAZING.  I was in a really low spot for a lot of the end of August.  Very low.  I was sitting in the living room one night with my mom, just chatting and Cullen mentioned someone was outside for me.  I actually asked him who it was, and to see if they could maybe come back, because I was really just not up for visitors at that moment. I felt terrible, I looked terrible, I was mentally just down and I just wasn't in the mood to put on the smiley face and pretend everything was okay.  But he said I needed to come out.

When I stepped outside, our driveway was FILLED, and I mean FILLED, with neighbors, coworkers, students, family, friends...all out ringing bells for me. It was one of the most powerful, emotional moments of my life. These people all came together in one day, to do this for me.  I was so touched. I couldn't do much but just cry and thank them.  It sounds like such a small thing, but this powerful moment just filled me up so much, in a time when I was feeling so down, so sad and so weak.  They'll all never know just how much it meant.

Shortly after that, it was back to school time.  I was so excited to just get back to some normalcy.  In my head when I saw that date on the calendar, I just thought everything would be good and I could get back to school and go on.  I was so wrong.  There was nothing normal about it.  The chemo builds up in your body each round, and I severely underestimated how long it would take me to bounce back from that last round.  I was so tired, and the side effects were so much worse. I was still dealing with hives, my hair that had held on pretty good for the most part, started falling out like crazy again, which was SO hard to deal with.  My eyelashes went, my eyebrows went, I was so swollen from all the steroids to prevent my hives.  It was so hard.  The mental toll that all of those things take on a person is so real.  It sounds so simple to say that it's just hair, or just eyelashes, or not matter how many times someone tries to tell you that you look great, etc. You just can't describe what it feels like to look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at you.  The last few weeks of August and beginning of September were some of my toughest of this whole cancer journey so far, and I think they were extra tough because I just wasn't expecting it. I thought I had done the hard stuff already.

I became faced with the question of - What the heck do I do with this hair when school starts? I was sooooo close to just shaving my head at that point. I was, but I couldn't do that either as it was too late. I'd have patches that were shaved, and then I'd have patches that were completely bald.  It would've been something.   I came home and cried most nights after our first week of workshop, trying to decide what to do about this. I was trying so hard to be okay all day at work, and just couldn't really hold it together when I got home.  I couldn't just hide in my room, and I couldn't wear hats every day.  My boss is wonderful and gave me the go ahead to wear hats..but I just can't do it every single day.  It gives me a headache if I wear them too long, inside especially, and it also just is hard to feel like you look nice. 

So after the first day of workshop, one of my dear friends and coworkers Nikki, encouraged me to wear the wig. She had such a great point.  Try it out during workshop week, with my school family.  I have it after all, so why not just wear it right?! I have it, and it's an incredible wig. It's SO much easier said than done.  That was just such a huge emotional thing.  So I was going to do it the next day, and I woke up and just couldn't so I put the hat on again.  But I knew that the next day I needed to do it, if I was ever going to. So I practiced putting it on that night, and the next morning I did it. 

When I walked in to school that morning, some of my closest coworkers just happened to be standing right near the door I walked in, and when I saw them, I started crying again.  You're all going to think I'm a huge crybaby after this post lol, but to be super honest, I did probably cry more in the those last 3 weeks of August, than I have in my entire life combined lol!  I'm much better now. ;)  They assured me I looked great in my wig..with my swollen face and no eyelashes or brows (they're all so kind).  I put on my brave face, and went into our big staff meeting, and then really did start to accept the wig, and wore it for the first few weeks of school, most every day. I did wear my fave maroon and gold hat on Fridays.  Here's a picture of my incredible school family.  This was day two of me wearing my wig on our big Back to School night.  I blend in nicely. ;)

As incredible as my wig is, it still feels strange wearing a wig.  So that's why I wore the hat on Fridays at first.  At that point, I didn't feel like I could go without either. I had lost so much hair.  But we aren't supposed to wear hats to school, so I knew I had to address it with my kids.  I was so nervous to do this.  Fifth graders are full of love, but they're also brutally honest lol! What would they think? Would they think it was weird, or gross, I don't know. But I did know I needed to tell them. I have all the signs and thinks up in my room about Being You, Be Unique..our entire first week is built  upon getting to know one another and being proud of who you are, and not letting others make you feel less, etc. I felt like a big liar if I stood up there and didn't own who I was.  So I shared with them on the Thursday of the first week of school..that I was wearing a wig, and sometimes I might wear hats, and other times I might get brave and wear nothing.  That moment, sharing with my kids, will forever be one of my most powerful teaching moments I think.  They were amazing, and it felt so good to get that off my chest.  Since doing that...I wore my wig sometimes, I wore a hat sometimes, and I went with nothing and just pulled what was left of my hair into a sad little pony at the back of my head, and tried to pretend you couldn't see any bald patches. ;)

But..little by little, the days got better and easier and I felt better and more like me, day by day. I got more comfortable with my hair/wig/hat situation, the swelling started to go away, I got some energy back, and things were headed the right direction.  Now here we are...9 weeks post chemo.  I have little, tiny baby eyelashes starting to grow back, the brows are slowly coming back, and my bald patches on my head are starting to regrow baby hairs. I'm still shedding hair, which is crazy, but very little, and it's so reassuring to see the new little hairs starting to come in. Here are a few pics of me rocking the wig at the start of the year.  It's really insane how much it looks like my real hair.

Beckett's First Day of School

Harper's First Day

 Avery's First Day and my first day rocking the wig with my students

Purple wig for our Border battle Day!

I wasn't quite done yet though, as my surgery as scheduled for October 9, to replace the awful tissue expanders. Of course a week before I got the worst cold ever, and was so afraid I wouldn't be able to do it, but it happened! They are out and it feels wonderful.  I'm a week out from that surgery and feel pretty good, for the most part.  I'm sore, but that's really all.  I can tell something is in there.  It definitely doesn't feel like my natural boobs yet, but I know I'm still sore, and it isn't uncomfortable like the expanders, just kind of strange.  I'm sure you just get used to it.  The surgery was quick and recovery wasn't bad at all. Other than the fact it took about 3 different tries and people to get my iv and blood draw.  They finally had to call in the anesthesiologist to do both of them. I can only use one arm now from my lymph node removal, and my already small veins are shot from chemo running through them I guess, since I didn't have a port.  But, it feels so good to have that checked off the list too.  

So the final step I'm starting tomorrow, is to begin taking the next drug, that I will need to take for at last five years. It's called tamoxifen.  I'm terrified for this next step.  The side effects, like chemo, sound pretty miserable, and knowing that I may have to deal with it for give years kind of sucks.  Things like moodiness, fatigue, weight gain, hair thinning, hot flashes, mental fogginess...I joking said to my doctor, "So I will feel like I have PMS for 5 years?" He laughed and said he hadn't thought of it like that, but they do start at a low dose and see how a person handles it, and then slowly increase it if able.   It's an estrogen blocker, so it makes sense it will mess with a person's hormones. I've never done well on drugs that do that, so please send some prayers my way that it isn't awful.  Pray for Cullen too! ;) But, since my cancer is estrogen fed, this is a really important drug to take, and I'm so glad it's an option for me.  I'm just terrified to start it.  I've never been a person that likes medicine.  I hate feeling like I've lost some control over my body, so knowing I have to do this for five years just scares me so much.

So that's kind of where we are right now. I'm so thankful and filled with gratitude to be at that point, but it's been way harder than I expected too. I've recently read some things from other cancer survivors, and it sounds like I'm not alone in the fact that the mental aspect of dealing with this nasty disease, seems to be harder for me at the end of treatment, than it was during.  I think the fact of facing what's next, the realization of knowing you're "done" but never really "done", the crippling fear of it coming back and going through this, or worse, again, the terrifying feeling of nausea that comes over me anytime something in my body feels weird or different and questioning if it's cancer back or not, and the chemo brain and feeling a little out of control over your body.  It's all just really, really freaking hard.  I saw this quote from a cancer survivor, and it describes what I'm feeling exactly.  

I told Cullen I'm anxious to start working out again, doing my best to eat healthier, and just try to do some things that help me feel like I have a little bit of control over my body, as I feel like I've had zero control over it the past 7 months.  It's so hard to feel like a stranger in your own body..everything from the boobs, the hair and most of all the brain.

So I guess the next step now is moving on to accepting that this is life now and trying to just embrace and hold on to the fact that I've done all I can do to make sure this cancer is out of my body and this part is done.  I told my sister though, I'm caught between finding myself not wanting to say things like, "I'm so glad this is over" or other things like that because I'm terrified of jinxing myself..or just trying to be positive and just saying that I'm done. I did it.  Peace out cancer.  I'm going to try my best to focus on the positives.  I have three sweet kids and incredible husband that desperately need to get their mama and wife back to her best self and I'm going to do all that I can to make that happen. 

If you've made it this far, thank you for supporting me on this journey, for the prayers and the love.  You will all never know how much it's meant to me and my family.  Right now, my prayers are big and bold for peace moving forward so that the fear and anxiety of this cancer coming back doesn't get to be too much, of course that this cancer stays away FOR GOOD, and that the effects of this new drug I have to take for five years aren't too terrible.  My faith has been strengthened so much during this whole thing.  I find myself talking to God in the shower most every day. Is that weird? Lol.  He has brought me through this in a way I never imagined I would get through it 7 months ago.  There have been many, many difficult days, but many amazing days too, and at the end of each day, I know He has got me, and has provided me with peace and strength when I've needed it most and I know He will continue to do that.  So I'm just going to keep clinging to that.  I will really try not to go two months without an update again, but I really hope that life just moves along and that there isn't anything exciting to update, except to say that things are going awesome right?!  Thanks for reading, and again for all of the love, support and prayers.