Adjusting

Three months.  I thought that I let too much time past the last time I wrote, but it's been three.months. That is crazy! This year is flying by. In fact, on Tuesday, it marked 10 months since this entire thing began.  10 months ago I found the lump that led to this crazy roller coaster of the past year.  Cullen and I were just both commenting on how it doesn't even seem possible that it's almost been one whole year.  It has both flown by, and been the longest year of my life, all at the same time. I told him I kind of feel like I've been spun around...you know like when they play that game at baseball games sometimes where you put your forehead on a bat and spin around...then smacked in the face, and finally told to just try to walk, and yet we're standing there in a daze thinking, "What the F#!* just happened?" Lol! Whirlwind. That is the best way I can describe it.

Things have been going pretty okay for the most part.  I've recovered from surgery pretty well, despite still lacking quite a lot of chest/arm strength and range of motion, but otherwise really well.  Honestly, my new fake boobs feel a little more "normal" each day.  A fellow cancer survivor referred to them as "Barbie Boobs" which totally cracked me up.  Disclaimer though, I haven't actually looked at them, other than looking down.  Crazy right? I haven't looked at my naked chest in the mirror since April 18.  I just can't do it. I honestly don't know when I will feel like I'm ready to take that step, but I know it's not now.  They still don't look normal.  Everyone thinks of implants, like you'd have these perfect boobs, but reconstruction after mastectomy is totally different.  It makes sense now that I think about it. They removed all breast tissue, and then stuck in these implants, so there are definitely ridges around the edges where you can tell it's an implant.  There are other surgeries I can choose to have later to help with this. It's called fat grafting, where they fill those areas in with fat from other places in your body, but honestly I've heard it's the most painful surgery of all, and I just don't know that I need or want to put myself through that.  Though taking fat away from other parts of my body does sound quite tempting lol! But who knows...I don't need to decide that now.  For now, I'm just happy they feel a little better each day.  Silver lining...I recently got a few new swimsuits for a trip we're taking in February, and I didn't have to worry about picking out kinds with the most support, and I won't have a headache from tying the halter so tight around my neck to hold the girls up! YES! I was also able to order an adorable sundress I would never have picked because you need a strapless bra and those just never worked...but now I don't need a bra at all!! WINNING! ;) Bring on the adorable sundresses! It did feel super funny though, as I was trying them on, adjusting my new boobs into the suit, as I kind of was situating them in there, they're totally numb and you don't feel them!  Hopefully they don't accidentally pop out of my suit and I don't notice..though there wouldn't be any "nip slip" to worry about! Like I said...silver linings right?!

I had a 3 month follow up appointment with my oncologist on Wednesday of this week. It still sounds so crazy to me, to say that I have an oncologist.  It was mostly to check in to see how I'm doing on the Tamoxifen. It went pretty well. I was so dang nervous to go to that appointment. To be honest, just going to that building almost gives me PTSD.  A few weeks ago, I began having some pretty significant pelvic pain.  I tried to ignore it and wish it away, but that didn't work.   Finally, two weekends ago, it got really bad.  Of course in my head, I figured the cancer was in my uterus or ovaries and that was that.  It's crazy, but that is where my head automatically goes, and I think it only makes sense after going through this. So I made an appt with my ob/gyn for that Monday.  After an ultrasound, it turns out I have a fibroid in my uterus and cysts in both ovaries.  He's pretty confident that was what is causing the pain, and turns out it is a lovely, bonus side effect of the Tamoxifen.  But, just knowing it wasn't cancer, it was amazing how much more tolerable the pain was when the anxiety piece wasn't also added to it.

After some discussion with my oncologist, we're deciding to stay the course.  I think the anxiety of going off of it, would be much worse. As awful as this stupid drug is, it at least gives me some peace of mind knowing I'm doing something to help this awful disease stay away forever.  Because let's shoot it straight, this drug sucks.  It does.  It’s completely worth it, but it still sucks. It makes me moody, tired, crazy brain fog, my joints are achy, I have some hot flashes, and I'm bloated all the time. I learned there is even a term for that..."Tamoxifen Tummy" Doesn't that sound fun?  But, it's tolerable. I'm really trying my best to exercise each day and make healthier eating choices, but even with that, the weight doesn't come off and the bloat doesn't go away, so that sucks...but the exercise does make me feel much better mentally so that helps. It feels so good to know that I have some control over this body and it feels so good to feel good enough to do it!  But again, it's all a small price to pay in the big picture, if it keeps this cancer away.  So the plan is to keep on with this drug and we will check back on May 29 and go from there.  It's a five year deal...so I'm hoping my body continues to handle it okay, and that these cysts go away on their own and don't become an all the time thing.  They're really not fun.  I also did have to mention a little random pain I've been having in my shin, similar to a shin splint.  The logical piece of me said...this is not cancer, you don't need to worry about that. But the anxiety stricken part of me was freaking out that of course, this had spread to my shin.  He assured me it's nothing to worry about, that again, that Tamoxifen can cause many muscular/skeletal issues.  He is a self-proclaimed "Breast Cancer Geek" and said he has never heard of anyone's breast cancer returning to their shin..and then we got a good laugh and I felt much better. I SO appreciate the sense of humor of my oncologist. I know there was a good reason he ended up being the one in charge of my care. 

The hair. It's coming back! It really is crazy how fast it is growing back.  The little pieces stand completely up on top of my head, so it's kind of funny, but it's coming.   SO THANKFUL for the Paxman system, that let me at least keep this much. I'm super tired of wearing it back in a sad little pony each day, but it's so much better than what it could be.  I feel like I could be rocking a sweet mullet in no time, so we will have to see what happens lol!  A short haircut might be in order, if that is the case!  So thankful for the amazingly smart, innovative people that come up with things like this to make it just a little bit easier.

Now that the physical piece is mostly under control, I have to say, addressing the toll this has taken on me mentally, has been my main focus most recently. I've heard this is fairly common, but I did NOT see it coming.  I think when you're going through everything, you are just in fight mode.  You are doing what you need to do, you are immensely supported, you are fighting.  But when the chemo is over, the surgeries are over, you start to look "normal" again,  I think people kind of expect you to be "done" and back to yourself. I expected it myself and I've just learned that this will really never be done and I am definitely not "myself", at least the self I once was.  It has been hard to accept this, and it has been a rough last few months, adjusting to this new reality. It kind of feels like everything in my life is divided into before cancer and after cancer.  It's kind of even hard to look at photos of myself before all of this happened, because I feel like I'm looking at a bit of a stranger.   The inside and the outside..I miss my hair, my boobs, my old body...I miss my health, the innocence and not thinking about cancer every single day.   But, that person is no longer me.  It's not good or bad..it's just not me.  Right now I miss that woman like CRAZY. I do.  I have almost had to mourn that person I was.  It's hard to put into words, because I know others see me and I look mostly the same on the outside, but I feel SO different.  I'm doing my best to figure out this new me, and just what that looks like and what that means.  I am confident that in time, this new me will even better than the old! I really do feel that will happen, and I'm excited for that..just have to get there! I know it will just take some time.  I did start going to a therapist to talk and sort through some things. It was a huge step. I debated even sharing it on here, but I think if anyone else is going through something similar, it's important to know that it is OKAY.  So far, she's been incredibly helpful in helping me sort through some things, and has been able to give me some strategies for the times that the anxiety/fear/worry gets the best of me. I'm so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone to do this.  It's been wonderfully helpful.

So that's that...10 months later, that's where things are. Like I said, it's been a whirlwind but we made it and we are here doing it.  Laughing and staying positive has been immensely helpful and I'm so thankful for all of the people in my life...friends, coworkers, family... that laugh with me, love me and support me and my family. I know I've said it 1000 times, but we wouldn't have made it this far without all of your love, support and prayers, and a giant goal for 2020 of ours is to try to pay back this kindness and generosity as best we can.  <3