So Long Estrogen!

I knew it had been awhile since I updated, but didn't quite realize it had already been a year! I can't believe it's been 3 years since this all began! 3 years already. Wow. Thankfully the reason I hadn't really updated in awhile I suppose is because things had been going along very smooth...I was feeling really amazing.  Really, the best I had felt in a long time. I had energy, my mental state was finally back to feeling pretty great both physically and mentally. I really felt like cancer had finally kind of taken a back seat and it felt amazing.

Then, I got the letter that my oncologist was leaving the clinic so I needed to find someone new.  I just started looking for oncologists at my clinic that specialized in breast cancer, and strangely enough, my dad's oncologist came up.  He has been a fierce, cancer warrior for 13 years and his doctor has been so incredible and helped him to conquer and beat so many obstacles, and defy many odds, so I thought it seemed like a great idea!

My new oncologist is wonderful. I truly feel like I am in the best care and it was all meant to be.  But, it has been a complete and total shift from my previous oncologist.  Their approaches are at two complete, opposite ends of the spectrum, so it really threw me for a loop.  My first appointment with her was in late November.  She advised that I switch course from the treatment I had been doing for the last 2 1/2 years, which was tough to hear.  It made me question what I had been doing...had I been doing the right thing? Also, DAMN. :( I was finally feeling SO good.  I didn't want anything to change.  But after doing a bit of my own research, I do agree with her approach and felt like we had to give it a chance.  

So...the hormonal roller coaster began. Ha. To get technical for those that are interested, I had been on a drug called Tamoxifen, which is a hormone blocker.  My body still made estrogen, but this blocked it from getting into my cells, as my cancer is estrogen/progesterone fed.  A lot of research shows that in someone my age, it really is best to stop the estrogen in my body all together, especially with a cancer as highly estrogen positive as mine.  So after some thought, we began the road to the new plan.  At the beginning of January, I had my first Zoladex injection.  They inject a pellet (via the biggest needle I've seen haha) under my skin in my abdomen once a month, and this turns off my ovaries and stops them from making and releasing estrogen.  This was getting my body ready to begin the new medicine called an aromatase inhibitor, I'll start with one called Letrozole.  You have to be in menopause to take this medicine, which is why I need the shots.

This brings up a few things.   For me, mentally, it's really, really hard to go to the cancer center every month. I honestly really struggle with it.  It brings up a LOT of feelings, and it just makes it hard to ever seem to be able to put cancer in the back on my mind.  Second, the shots really freaking hurt! Not that I can't handle it, but it's definitely not pleasant. Third, the side effects of this shot have been really tough.  Basically, imagine the worst PMS day...and that's where I've been pretty much daily since January 4. :( Moody, weight gain that just won't seem to stop no matter what I do..I never knew there was an thing called hormonal belly?! Wtf?! Unfortunately removing estrogen from your body completely causes and increase in belly fat.  Awesome.  Then the bloating, headaches, dry skin, dry eyes, dry hair...it's been awesome. Not to forget the HOT FLASHES.  Dear Lord...for someone who has always been cold, I completely underestimated these bad boys.  It's a hot like I can't describe...like want to rip my clothes off of my body and jump in a MN lake in the winter, kind of hot. I seriously had NO idea just how much estrogen did in my body, until there was none!

So because I will be needing this for the next 5-10 years, my oncologist thought it would be best to just get a full hysterectomy.  Get those ovaries out of my body so I won't have to do the shots anymore.  The side effects unfortunately won't go away, because those are from having zero estrogen in my body...but she did seem to think I'll adjust faster to this new body this way, rather than the monthly shots.  Since we're doing that much, we're just taking it ALLLLLL out...uterus, tubes, cervix...the works.  I'm actually so relieved to be doing this.  She did tell me that with my type of cancer, the uterus is another place it likes to go, so let’s just get it out.  Plus, if this new med I will have to take is just too tough to handle, which is often is for many women, we can go back to the Tamoxifen, which I was doing really well on.  That drug itself causes in increased risk of uterine cancer, so if I have to go back to that med, we will feel better about doing that if I just don't have a uterus.  So on Thursday, April 21...we will be saying SO long to what's left of my lady parts. The tricky part is I can’t take any hormone replacement meds as the point is to get those hormones out of my body, so it will definitely be an adjustment for sure, and quite a bit of a hormone roller coaster for awhile I imagine. 

Like I said, I'm very relieved to do this and actually excited to just get it done, but I won't lie and say it's not hard. All these physical and mental changes are tough. But, I praise God each day that we're done having kids and that wasn't taken from me, and my heart goes out to all of those women faced with this having to add that emotion to the mix. I can't even imagine.  It makes the extra fluff around my middle, my dry, red eyes and my thinning hair seem like a very small price to pay.  

So that's where things are.  Another surgery on the books, but hopefully one that will set me on the path to a better outlook.  I pray that the surgery and recovery all goes smoothly, and that I tolerate this new drug so that I'm able to take it for duration so that it can do the job of keeping this cancer away forever, because at the end of the day, that is the goal.  Every single one of those awful side effects, nasty drugs, painful shots, and surgeries are completely worth it if it means I get to be here to see my kids grow up. That is really the bottom line right?! So there we are, my dad and I now share both a birthday AND an oncologist!  How many people can say that right?! 

For now, we’re headed to Ohio to spend the long weekend with my sweet niece Hayden, and Jeff and Kristen too! It will be great to take my mind off things, then back home and let’s get this done!! I hope my uterus enjoys its last road trip! 🤣

2 Years

 2 Years. 2 Freaking years.  2 years ago on March 14 this all began. I woke up, showered, ran out of the damn soap..and felt the lump and that entire day was a whirlwind after that. It all happened so fast.  I still can't even believe it most days, that this is my life, that this happened, that I did that, that I'm doing this...all of the things. I am a cancer survivor. It really still does sound crazy to me sometimes to say that. I've been feeling a lot lately, and as this milestone day has been approaching, I've been grappling with all kinds of things, and realized I basically just let this space go, and that was never my intention.  My hope was always that this might be a place for others in a similar situation, younger women/mothers of young kids especially, to read the thoughts of someone like them that went through this, that did it.  I'm sad that I let it go for so long and I really am going to try to make it a point to update more often.

So 2 years later and here we are.  Things are good.  My health is good.  It feels amazing to be able to say that.  I have had a few scares here and there.  This past summer I was dealing with a lot of headaches. I've always gotten headaches but there were definitely more. My inner goal-keeper told me I needed to get checked out. It's just so hard to know.  I definitely had to advocate for myself, and finally made them check my brain and make sure it was all okay.  Thank God it was, and after that clear scan of my head, I was able to relax a little and not surprisingly, the headaches subsided a lot.  It was so worth getting checked out.  Most recently feeling a little lump in my breast area, which was terrifying. I tried to let it go for awhile, as I really did think it was nothing. I did feel very different from the cancer lump I remember feeling so that was reassuring, but it was still there.  I had my regularly scheduled appointment in May so I was just going to wait to get it checked then. But it just kept eating at me. I was finding it hard to focus on things, and not constantly be worried about it.  So I called and they had me come in for an ultrasound and appt to get it checked.  Those ultrasounds are so dang scary.  They do the scan, can't say anything leave, come back in with the dr., they sit and look things over and those moments are absolutely terrifying.  I really wish they had a different way of doing that lol! But it was nothing, just a cyst.  WHEW.  But dang, it should really be illegal for cancer survivors to get cysts in their breast area.  The doctor said I did exactly the right thing by coming in. He reminded me that since we don't do scans, symptoms are all I have to go on so I have to kind of be the "goal-keeper" of my body. I told him I absolutely don't want that job! That's a lot of freaking pressure...and trying to sort out the normal aches/pains/headaches/bumps..from the ones you're supposed to worry about.  Constantly sorting that out in your head is H.A.R.D.  But I'm doing my best and just really so thankful I get to opportunity to be that goal-keeper, even if it's a job I really would rather not have.  It means I'm here. I am a survivor, and I'm moving on.

The mental piece is still something I am really struggling with, to be honest. That has really continued to be my biggest battle this last year. Dealing with it on top of the other Covid craziness really made for an interesting year! But it has been hard. I think that is the most important piece I wanted to share here if you ever find yourself in this place reading this.  I never expected how hard it would be moving forward.  There are so many things..the constant worry or every feeling, that comes with playing "goal-keeper", the fear and worry of recurrence. the awful thoughts of not being here for my kids and my husband that go along with that..not seeing them grow up, graduate, get married, etc. are thoughts I let into my head far too often...and the body image struggles have been so hard..harder than I ever imagined. I thought I was so tough lol! HA! I made it through cancer, I am a bad-ass, I had a huge surgery, lost my breasts, lost lots of my hair, went through chemo...I DID IT. I thought I was so tough! All of that is true, and I do know that I am tough, and if you're going through it, you are SO TOUGH and most definitely are a bad-ass!  But it doesn't mean moving forward isn't hard as freaking shi$! I think also part of it that is so hard, is the fact that when you're "done" with treatment, and start to look normal again, everyone just expects you to be done and back to normal, but I do know now, it will never be normal. It's a new kind of normal. I hate that term, but it's true.  It's hard to walk around feeling absolutely everything but normal, but feeling like you have to kind of act normal because everyone expects you to be.  It's weird and hard to describe, but it's true.  It most certainly isn't anyone's fault..the world does move on, everything moves on and so should we..it's just a little tricky how to figure out how to keep doing that as this different person, yet still the same..if that makes any sense at all. It's crazy.

It was getting to a place where it was just getting too hard to try to navigate alone, though I was trying my dang best, and really thought I should be able to do on my own, but I really wasn't in a good place.  After my oncologist appointment in November, he recommended a therapist that specializes in working with oncology patients and survivors. I had tried meeting with a therapist last year a few times, but honestly I didn't love it and I hated having one more appointment to go to. I was reluctant to try again, but I love my oncologist and trust him completely and he recommended this one particular doctor only, without hesitation.  After meeting with her the first time, I knew it was going to be different, and I knew why he chose her especially for me. It has made a world of difference talking with her.  I feel no shame in putting it out here to the universe that I'm talking with someone. I hate the stigma surrounding mental health.  There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with seeking out help for our mental health.  It is just as important as our physical health, especially trying to move forward after something traumatic like a cancer diagnosis and treatment.  That is what she has helped me see in the few months I've been meeting with her.  My cancer was a traumatic event, and what I'm going through now is somewhat of a PTSD type of experience.  This makes SO much sense to me.  The triggers I have..certain doctor's offices , the clothes I wore during chemo, the smells in the air this time of year with the windows open that I was smelling when I was just finding out and in the initial days of my diagnosis, the book I was reading that day while waiting on my mammogram...all of those things trigger me to such a place that makes it so hard.  I have to train my brain and learn strategies to move forward and not let that fear and those feelings take over. 

The body image is another piece.  I have a love/hate relationship with the Tamoxifen I have to take. I love it because it's helping keep the cancer away. Trust me, I LOVE it for that. But I don't love how it makes me feel.  It just makes me feel like a slightly different version of myself and it's hard. It's hard to recognize it, feel it, and not be able to really control it.  Essentially it puts me into menopause at 39..and all of the fun things that go alone with that. But I'm doing my best!  I guess I'll be a pro at it when I actually get to go through it for real again down the road! It's also a little hard for me to admit that I still haven't looked in the mirror at my new chest...and it's almost 2 years later.  I just can't do it.  To be honest, I don't know why I can't. I just don't want to look. I don't want to see it. It's crazy I know, but it's where I am.  I miss my body before. ]I just never expected that I would care that much about it.  So yeah...that's another thing we're working on and talking about with my incredible therapist and I know I'll get there eventually.  I'm so grateful to my body for fighting that awful disease, and conquering it. I am..I just don't really want to look at it...yet! lol!

But in all seriousness, if this sounds like you, you're not alone.  If you're finding this and just starting your journey, I don't mean for this to scare you!  You can DO THIS and you will! I just wish I would've known and been a bit more prepared for just how much of a battle this was still going to be after..just in different ways.  I would recommend not hesitating in finding someone to talk to if you need that. There is absolutely no shame in that. I wish I would've found her a year ago.  My number one priority has always been being around for my kids and my husband and family, and I want to be here and be the best mom/wife/friend I can be...and I wasn't in that spot this past year.  I feel like I have hope again, that I can and will get back to a little bit more of the me I was before this whole thing.  If you're reading this and someone you love is battling cancer, I get asked often from people what they can give or gift someone going through chemo, etc..and my answer has really become (well after cozy blankets and comfy pants of course because you can't even have too many of either of those) to just remember to keep checking in on them after the chemo/treatment/surgery is done.

Oh, and new on my list of things that I have to keep battling for is my DOG!  We got the absolute sweetest puppy, Maverick, in December and I am now a total dog mom to the max. He is the sweetest.  I guess I also have to thank cancer for that a little bit too! My kids have always, always wanted a dog. When I was pretty sick that summer going through chemo, I told Cullen that if anything happened to me, he had to promise to get the kids a dog.  Well last summer it kind of occurred to me one day, why the hell does something have to happen to me to get a dog? That's not fair!  I want the dang dog too! So, we got on a waiting list, and Maverick was born in October and we got to take him home on December and he's everything I could've ever hoped for in a dog!

So there we are. 2 years later and that's that. I can't even believe it's been two years. I know it sounds cliche to keep saying but it's absolutely the truth.  I'm here, I'm well, and I will continue to fight be the very best me I can be, for all of those people (and animals) that I love! I have SO many things to be thankful for...my kids, Cullen, my family, my dog, my friends, my job, my health...so many good things going on.  I'm absolutely 100% blessed to be in this place two years later.  I feel like I'm taking control of my mental heath and my physical health and it feels damn good. So again..if you're new on this cancer journey, you can do this.  You can do the hard things, you are a bad-ass, and you are a fighter..but also know it's OKAY to reach out and seek out help if you need it, even after the initial fight is done...and also, get a damn dog! ;) I highly recommend it!

Adjusting

Three months.  I thought that I let too much time past the last time I wrote, but it's been three.months. That is crazy! This year is flying by. In fact, on Tuesday, it marked 10 months since this entire thing began.  10 months ago I found the lump that led to this crazy roller coaster of the past year.  Cullen and I were just both commenting on how it doesn't even seem possible that it's almost been one whole year.  It has both flown by, and been the longest year of my life, all at the same time. I told him I kind of feel like I've been spun around...you know like when they play that game at baseball games sometimes where you put your forehead on a bat and spin around...then smacked in the face, and finally told to just try to walk, and yet we're standing there in a daze thinking, "What the F#!* just happened?" Lol! Whirlwind. That is the best way I can describe it.

Things have been going pretty okay for the most part.  I've recovered from surgery pretty well, despite still lacking quite a lot of chest/arm strength and range of motion, but otherwise really well.  Honestly, my new fake boobs feel a little more "normal" each day.  A fellow cancer survivor referred to them as "Barbie Boobs" which totally cracked me up.  Disclaimer though, I haven't actually looked at them, other than looking down.  Crazy right? I haven't looked at my naked chest in the mirror since April 18.  I just can't do it. I honestly don't know when I will feel like I'm ready to take that step, but I know it's not now.  They still don't look normal.  Everyone thinks of implants, like you'd have these perfect boobs, but reconstruction after mastectomy is totally different.  It makes sense now that I think about it. They removed all breast tissue, and then stuck in these implants, so there are definitely ridges around the edges where you can tell it's an implant.  There are other surgeries I can choose to have later to help with this. It's called fat grafting, where they fill those areas in with fat from other places in your body, but honestly I've heard it's the most painful surgery of all, and I just don't know that I need or want to put myself through that.  Though taking fat away from other parts of my body does sound quite tempting lol! But who knows...I don't need to decide that now.  For now, I'm just happy they feel a little better each day.  Silver lining...I recently got a few new swimsuits for a trip we're taking in February, and I didn't have to worry about picking out kinds with the most support, and I won't have a headache from tying the halter so tight around my neck to hold the girls up! YES! I was also able to order an adorable sundress I would never have picked because you need a strapless bra and those just never worked...but now I don't need a bra at all!! WINNING! ;) Bring on the adorable sundresses! It did feel super funny though, as I was trying them on, adjusting my new boobs into the suit, as I kind of was situating them in there, they're totally numb and you don't feel them!  Hopefully they don't accidentally pop out of my suit and I don't notice..though there wouldn't be any "nip slip" to worry about! Like I said...silver linings right?!

I had a 3 month follow up appointment with my oncologist on Wednesday of this week. It still sounds so crazy to me, to say that I have an oncologist.  It was mostly to check in to see how I'm doing on the Tamoxifen. It went pretty well. I was so dang nervous to go to that appointment. To be honest, just going to that building almost gives me PTSD.  A few weeks ago, I began having some pretty significant pelvic pain.  I tried to ignore it and wish it away, but that didn't work.   Finally, two weekends ago, it got really bad.  Of course in my head, I figured the cancer was in my uterus or ovaries and that was that.  It's crazy, but that is where my head automatically goes, and I think it only makes sense after going through this. So I made an appt with my ob/gyn for that Monday.  After an ultrasound, it turns out I have a fibroid in my uterus and cysts in both ovaries.  He's pretty confident that was what is causing the pain, and turns out it is a lovely, bonus side effect of the Tamoxifen.  But, just knowing it wasn't cancer, it was amazing how much more tolerable the pain was when the anxiety piece wasn't also added to it.

After some discussion with my oncologist, we're deciding to stay the course.  I think the anxiety of going off of it, would be much worse. As awful as this stupid drug is, it at least gives me some peace of mind knowing I'm doing something to help this awful disease stay away forever.  Because let's shoot it straight, this drug sucks.  It does.  It’s completely worth it, but it still sucks. It makes me moody, tired, crazy brain fog, my joints are achy, I have some hot flashes, and I'm bloated all the time. I learned there is even a term for that..."Tamoxifen Tummy" Doesn't that sound fun?  But, it's tolerable. I'm really trying my best to exercise each day and make healthier eating choices, but even with that, the weight doesn't come off and the bloat doesn't go away, so that sucks...but the exercise does make me feel much better mentally so that helps. It feels so good to know that I have some control over this body and it feels so good to feel good enough to do it!  But again, it's all a small price to pay in the big picture, if it keeps this cancer away.  So the plan is to keep on with this drug and we will check back on May 29 and go from there.  It's a five year deal...so I'm hoping my body continues to handle it okay, and that these cysts go away on their own and don't become an all the time thing.  They're really not fun.  I also did have to mention a little random pain I've been having in my shin, similar to a shin splint.  The logical piece of me said...this is not cancer, you don't need to worry about that. But the anxiety stricken part of me was freaking out that of course, this had spread to my shin.  He assured me it's nothing to worry about, that again, that Tamoxifen can cause many muscular/skeletal issues.  He is a self-proclaimed "Breast Cancer Geek" and said he has never heard of anyone's breast cancer returning to their shin..and then we got a good laugh and I felt much better. I SO appreciate the sense of humor of my oncologist. I know there was a good reason he ended up being the one in charge of my care. 

The hair. It's coming back! It really is crazy how fast it is growing back.  The little pieces stand completely up on top of my head, so it's kind of funny, but it's coming.   SO THANKFUL for the Paxman system, that let me at least keep this much. I'm super tired of wearing it back in a sad little pony each day, but it's so much better than what it could be.  I feel like I could be rocking a sweet mullet in no time, so we will have to see what happens lol!  A short haircut might be in order, if that is the case!  So thankful for the amazingly smart, innovative people that come up with things like this to make it just a little bit easier.

Now that the physical piece is mostly under control, I have to say, addressing the toll this has taken on me mentally, has been my main focus most recently. I've heard this is fairly common, but I did NOT see it coming.  I think when you're going through everything, you are just in fight mode.  You are doing what you need to do, you are immensely supported, you are fighting.  But when the chemo is over, the surgeries are over, you start to look "normal" again,  I think people kind of expect you to be "done" and back to yourself. I expected it myself and I've just learned that this will really never be done and I am definitely not "myself", at least the self I once was.  It has been hard to accept this, and it has been a rough last few months, adjusting to this new reality. It kind of feels like everything in my life is divided into before cancer and after cancer.  It's kind of even hard to look at photos of myself before all of this happened, because I feel like I'm looking at a bit of a stranger.   The inside and the outside..I miss my hair, my boobs, my old body...I miss my health, the innocence and not thinking about cancer every single day.   But, that person is no longer me.  It's not good or bad..it's just not me.  Right now I miss that woman like CRAZY. I do.  I have almost had to mourn that person I was.  It's hard to put into words, because I know others see me and I look mostly the same on the outside, but I feel SO different.  I'm doing my best to figure out this new me, and just what that looks like and what that means.  I am confident that in time, this new me will even better than the old! I really do feel that will happen, and I'm excited for that..just have to get there! I know it will just take some time.  I did start going to a therapist to talk and sort through some things. It was a huge step. I debated even sharing it on here, but I think if anyone else is going through something similar, it's important to know that it is OKAY.  So far, she's been incredibly helpful in helping me sort through some things, and has been able to give me some strategies for the times that the anxiety/fear/worry gets the best of me. I'm so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone to do this.  It's been wonderfully helpful.

So that's that...10 months later, that's where things are. Like I said, it's been a whirlwind but we made it and we are here doing it.  Laughing and staying positive has been immensely helpful and I'm so thankful for all of the people in my life...friends, coworkers, family... that laugh with me, love me and support me and my family. I know I've said it 1000 times, but we wouldn't have made it this far without all of your love, support and prayers, and a giant goal for 2020 of ours is to try to pay back this kindness and generosity as best we can.  <3

Moving Forward

Wow...it's been a minute.  It sounds so cliche to say when you're typing something like a blog, but it's been nearly two months since I've updated.  I'm so sorry to those that depend on this to follow along. I knew it had been awhile, but can't believe it's been quite that long. Where did that two months go?!  Oh yeah...back to school, photo sessions, recovering from the toll chemo took on this body of mine, another surgery...no wonder it's gone by so fast! So brace yourselves because this is probably going to be one long entry, as I really want to rely on this someday when I look back and say, "I did this!" I don't want to leave too many parts out.  There have been many times I've thought about sitting down to update here, but life gets in the way, or I didn't have the words, and then the moment passed and here we are now, nearly two months later.

So let's back up to the last time. I had just finished chemo and my last post was about the fact there was no bell to ring, no big finale, nothing. Not that I needed anything like that, it just seemed like some sort of closure was missing.  Let me tell you...my village is AMAZING.  AHHHHHMAZING.  I was in a really low spot for a lot of the end of August.  Very low.  I was sitting in the living room one night with my mom, just chatting and Cullen mentioned someone was outside for me.  I actually asked him who it was, and to see if they could maybe come back, because I was really just not up for visitors at that moment. I felt terrible, I looked terrible, I was mentally just down and I just wasn't in the mood to put on the smiley face and pretend everything was okay.  But he said I needed to come out.

When I stepped outside, our driveway was FILLED, and I mean FILLED, with neighbors, coworkers, students, family, friends...all out ringing bells for me. It was one of the most powerful, emotional moments of my life. These people all came together in one day, to do this for me.  I was so touched. I couldn't do much but just cry and thank them.  It sounds like such a small thing, but this powerful moment just filled me up so much, in a time when I was feeling so down, so sad and so weak.  They'll all never know just how much it meant.

Shortly after that, it was back to school time.  I was so excited to just get back to some normalcy.  In my head when I saw that date on the calendar, I just thought everything would be good and I could get back to school and go on.  I was so wrong.  There was nothing normal about it.  The chemo builds up in your body each round, and I severely underestimated how long it would take me to bounce back from that last round.  I was so tired, and the side effects were so much worse. I was still dealing with hives, my hair that had held on pretty good for the most part, started falling out like crazy again, which was SO hard to deal with.  My eyelashes went, my eyebrows went, I was so swollen from all the steroids to prevent my hives.  It was so hard.  The mental toll that all of those things take on a person is so real.  It sounds so simple to say that it's just hair, or just eyelashes, or not matter how many times someone tries to tell you that you look great, etc. You just can't describe what it feels like to look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at you.  The last few weeks of August and beginning of September were some of my toughest of this whole cancer journey so far, and I think they were extra tough because I just wasn't expecting it. I thought I had done the hard stuff already.

I became faced with the question of - What the heck do I do with this hair when school starts? I was sooooo close to just shaving my head at that point. I was, but I couldn't do that either as it was too late. I'd have patches that were shaved, and then I'd have patches that were completely bald.  It would've been something.   I came home and cried most nights after our first week of workshop, trying to decide what to do about this. I was trying so hard to be okay all day at work, and just couldn't really hold it together when I got home.  I couldn't just hide in my room, and I couldn't wear hats every day.  My boss is wonderful and gave me the go ahead to wear hats..but I just can't do it every single day.  It gives me a headache if I wear them too long, inside especially, and it also just is hard to feel like you look nice. 

So after the first day of workshop, one of my dear friends and coworkers Nikki, encouraged me to wear the wig. She had such a great point.  Try it out during workshop week, with my school family.  I have it after all, so why not just wear it right?! I have it, and it's an incredible wig. It's SO much easier said than done.  That was just such a huge emotional thing.  So I was going to do it the next day, and I woke up and just couldn't so I put the hat on again.  But I knew that the next day I needed to do it, if I was ever going to. So I practiced putting it on that night, and the next morning I did it. 

When I walked in to school that morning, some of my closest coworkers just happened to be standing right near the door I walked in, and when I saw them, I started crying again.  You're all going to think I'm a huge crybaby after this post lol, but to be super honest, I did probably cry more in the those last 3 weeks of August, than I have in my entire life combined lol!  I'm much better now. ;)  They assured me I looked great in my wig..with my swollen face and no eyelashes or brows (they're all so kind).  I put on my brave face, and went into our big staff meeting, and then really did start to accept the wig, and wore it for the first few weeks of school, most every day. I did wear my fave maroon and gold hat on Fridays.  Here's a picture of my incredible school family.  This was day two of me wearing my wig on our big Back to School night.  I blend in nicely. ;)

As incredible as my wig is, it still feels strange wearing a wig.  So that's why I wore the hat on Fridays at first.  At that point, I didn't feel like I could go without either. I had lost so much hair.  But we aren't supposed to wear hats to school, so I knew I had to address it with my kids.  I was so nervous to do this.  Fifth graders are full of love, but they're also brutally honest lol! What would they think? Would they think it was weird, or gross, I don't know. But I did know I needed to tell them. I have all the signs and thinks up in my room about Being You, Be Unique..our entire first week is built  upon getting to know one another and being proud of who you are, and not letting others make you feel less, etc. I felt like a big liar if I stood up there and didn't own who I was.  So I shared with them on the Thursday of the first week of school..that I was wearing a wig, and sometimes I might wear hats, and other times I might get brave and wear nothing.  That moment, sharing with my kids, will forever be one of my most powerful teaching moments I think.  They were amazing, and it felt so good to get that off my chest.  Since doing that...I wore my wig sometimes, I wore a hat sometimes, and I went with nothing and just pulled what was left of my hair into a sad little pony at the back of my head, and tried to pretend you couldn't see any bald patches. ;)

But..little by little, the days got better and easier and I felt better and more like me, day by day. I got more comfortable with my hair/wig/hat situation, the swelling started to go away, I got some energy back, and things were headed the right direction.  Now here we are...9 weeks post chemo.  I have little, tiny baby eyelashes starting to grow back, the brows are slowly coming back, and my bald patches on my head are starting to regrow baby hairs. I'm still shedding hair, which is crazy, but very little, and it's so reassuring to see the new little hairs starting to come in. Here are a few pics of me rocking the wig at the start of the year.  It's really insane how much it looks like my real hair.

Beckett's First Day of School

Harper's First Day

 Avery's First Day and my first day rocking the wig with my students

Purple wig for our Border battle Day!

I wasn't quite done yet though, as my surgery as scheduled for October 9, to replace the awful tissue expanders. Of course a week before I got the worst cold ever, and was so afraid I wouldn't be able to do it, but it happened! They are out and it feels wonderful.  I'm a week out from that surgery and feel pretty good, for the most part.  I'm sore, but that's really all.  I can tell something is in there.  It definitely doesn't feel like my natural boobs yet, but I know I'm still sore, and it isn't uncomfortable like the expanders, just kind of strange.  I'm sure you just get used to it.  The surgery was quick and recovery wasn't bad at all. Other than the fact it took about 3 different tries and people to get my iv and blood draw.  They finally had to call in the anesthesiologist to do both of them. I can only use one arm now from my lymph node removal, and my already small veins are shot from chemo running through them I guess, since I didn't have a port.  But, it feels so good to have that checked off the list too.  

So the final step I'm starting tomorrow, is to begin taking the next drug, that I will need to take for at last five years. It's called tamoxifen.  I'm terrified for this next step.  The side effects, like chemo, sound pretty miserable, and knowing that I may have to deal with it for give years kind of sucks.  Things like moodiness, fatigue, weight gain, hair thinning, hot flashes, mental fogginess...I joking said to my doctor, "So I will feel like I have PMS for 5 years?" He laughed and said he hadn't thought of it like that, but they do start at a low dose and see how a person handles it, and then slowly increase it if able.   It's an estrogen blocker, so it makes sense it will mess with a person's hormones. I've never done well on drugs that do that, so please send some prayers my way that it isn't awful.  Pray for Cullen too! ;) But, since my cancer is estrogen fed, this is a really important drug to take, and I'm so glad it's an option for me.  I'm just terrified to start it.  I've never been a person that likes medicine.  I hate feeling like I've lost some control over my body, so knowing I have to do this for five years just scares me so much.

So that's kind of where we are right now. I'm so thankful and filled with gratitude to be at that point, but it's been way harder than I expected too. I've recently read some things from other cancer survivors, and it sounds like I'm not alone in the fact that the mental aspect of dealing with this nasty disease, seems to be harder for me at the end of treatment, than it was during.  I think the fact of facing what's next, the realization of knowing you're "done" but never really "done", the crippling fear of it coming back and going through this, or worse, again, the terrifying feeling of nausea that comes over me anytime something in my body feels weird or different and questioning if it's cancer back or not, and the chemo brain and feeling a little out of control over your body.  It's all just really, really freaking hard.  I saw this quote from a cancer survivor, and it describes what I'm feeling exactly.  

I told Cullen I'm anxious to start working out again, doing my best to eat healthier, and just try to do some things that help me feel like I have a little bit of control over my body, as I feel like I've had zero control over it the past 7 months.  It's so hard to feel like a stranger in your own body..everything from the boobs, the hair and most of all the brain.

So I guess the next step now is moving on to accepting that this is life now and trying to just embrace and hold on to the fact that I've done all I can do to make sure this cancer is out of my body and this part is done.  I told my sister though, I'm caught between finding myself not wanting to say things like, "I'm so glad this is over" or other things like that because I'm terrified of jinxing myself..or just trying to be positive and just saying that I'm done. I did it.  Peace out cancer.  I'm going to try my best to focus on the positives.  I have three sweet kids and incredible husband that desperately need to get their mama and wife back to her best self and I'm going to do all that I can to make that happen. 

If you've made it this far, thank you for supporting me on this journey, for the prayers and the love.  You will all never know how much it's meant to me and my family.  Right now, my prayers are big and bold for peace moving forward so that the fear and anxiety of this cancer coming back doesn't get to be too much, of course that this cancer stays away FOR GOOD, and that the effects of this new drug I have to take for five years aren't too terrible.  My faith has been strengthened so much during this whole thing.  I find myself talking to God in the shower most every day. Is that weird? Lol.  He has brought me through this in a way I never imagined I would get through it 7 months ago.  There have been many, many difficult days, but many amazing days too, and at the end of each day, I know He has got me, and has provided me with peace and strength when I've needed it most and I know He will continue to do that.  So I'm just going to keep clinging to that.  I will really try not to go two months without an update again, but I really hope that life just moves along and that there isn't anything exciting to update, except to say that things are going awesome right?!  Thanks for reading, and again for all of the love, support and prayers.

Can I Get A Buzzer Please?

Well I made it through my last chemo appointment. I say it that way, because yesterday was a hard day. I think there was so much excitement and celebration around that actual last appointment, and that feeling of making it..but yesterday, going on day 5 of feeling like absolute crap, and my hair still shedding, it just hit me that I'm not quite there yet. I did the thing, I got the meds, but they're still in my body for quite some time, creating all the lovely havoc that they do.  I guess I just felt like after Wednesday last week, and making it through the toughest days after, it should feel a little conquering a Ninja Warrior course or something.  Like there should be some sort of buzzer I should get to just hit and just end this all.  Boom! I'm done! I made it...now go.

It struck me yesterday that this isn't quite exactly how this works, and that was a hard day to deal with.  First I need to let these awful, yet wonderfully lifesaving drugs, work their magic.  Then, there is that next step of learning how to deal with what is next.  Like I said, I want that buzzer to hit. I did my part.  I fought this. I lost my boobs. I lost hair.  It was a rough summer.  Let's move on.  But how do you move on from this? My statistics are promising. I'm so lucky for that.  But nothing is guaranteed and that is hard. I want so badly to say chemo is done forever..but I find myself pausing in the back of my head and hearing that little voice that says...I hope.  I don't want to hear that little voice. I want to move forward with courage and confidence and say, I am done with chemo FOREVER!!! I want to shout it! Maybe it's because I didn't get to ring that darn bell lol! Apparently ringing the bell is kind of a big right of passage when you finish cancer.

Well at my infusion center, would you believe that someone complained about the bell, because for some people, my dad included, chemo is just part of life. There isn't an end date or a finish line.  So apparently the bell was offensive to some and they took it out.  That makes me sad, but what can you do.  Looks like I might need to find some sort of bell to ring myself lol!

Then there are photos like this that strike me to.my.core.  This popped up on my Facebook timeline this morning.  Avery dancing with her daddy when she was little.

I remember exactly the moment when I snapped that, flashing forward to her future and thinking about her future wedding someday and wondering what it would be like. Now, what this awful, cancer has done is completely changed the way I think about stuff like that. Now I see this photo today and my first thought was just please dear God let me be at her wedding someday.  Please let me make it to that day.  Let me be here to raise my babies.  Those are NOT the thoughts a mama of an 11, 7 and 4 year old should have and I hate that I have them, but I do right now. I'm not quite sure yet how to switch that or when it does. I know this is all a process and this is one step on the journey.

So for now, as I recover from this last chemo and get ready for this next phase, I'd love it if you could please send some prayers my way that I move into this next phase, and that I can try to find some peace for how to move forward without the terrifying thought of this disease consuming every moment.  If you've done it, I'd love any tips or advice that might've helped you too. I really am confident I will get there. I know it's a process, but darn it, I just want to enjoy being done!  I just sure wish there was that magic buzzer that I could slam and say PEACE OUT CANCER!

Too Long!

Oh my gosh, last night Cullen asked me if I had updated here in awhile.  I knew it had been a little while, but didn't realize quite how long! Yikes!  Where did July go?  Oh my goodness!  So my lack of  updating here is due to two things really...we were on vacation and thoroughly enjoying SUMMER - and then round three happened and kicked.my.butt.  When I first got my schedule of chemo, I was crushed, as I figured it would completely ruin our summer.  I was so sad for my kids. I thought I would basically be a lump all summer, and not be able to do anything fun with them, but we stuck it to cancer! We did NOT let it ruin our summer at all!

At the beginning of July my brother and his girlfriend were home visiting from Columbus, so we soaked up lots of great family time.  Just after they left, we packed up the good ol' family minivan and headed for FLORIDA! My mom joined us, and we stayed in Fort Walton Beach, which is basically Destin, and enjed every darn second of the beach, the pool, reading, eating, resting, relaxing and just really enjoying some time together.  It was the best. To be super honest, it was so great to be able to have a week where it really didn't even feel like I had cancer.  My oncologist added in an extra round that week, so I was feeling pretty much totally normal! It felt so good.  It was nice to go about and just be mom for the week.

But, all good things must come to an end, and we got home on Sunday, July 21 and I had round three on July 24.  That one seriously kicked my butt.  It took a good extra few days to recover from this last round.  I was pretty much out of commission for nearly the whole following week.  It was rough.   This was the first time I was really pretty bitter about missing stuff.  I missed going to the fair with my family.  My kids always love doing that.  I missed my girls' track meet, which really upset me, but there was no way it was happening.   Thank goodness for the best grandparents that were there to cheer them on and support them.  I've said a million times, but SO thankful for family and friends.

Then, just when I thought I had kicked it, I broke out in hives. I had hives a bit after the last round, but nothing a little Benadryl couldn't handle. I thought the same thing was happening this time, so I tried some Benadryl, but it just kept getting worse, until Sunday morning when I woke up and I looked like Will Smith in the movie Hitch.  My face was swollen. My eye was swollen shut. My ear was swollen.  It was terribly itchy. It was quite a sight. I earned myself a trip to urgent care and a pretty heavy dose of prednisone for the week.  In fact, I took my last dose today.  Just in time to start more steroids on Tuesday next week.  Next time I will have to take the steroids I really, very strongly dislike for an extra 5 days after chemo, in hopes it keeps them from happening at all.  So many steroids, which just suck to be honest.  They just make me feel really crappy.  But, if they help, it's what we will do.  So this around has been really rough, and it's tough to belief I have to go on again Wednesday for more.  But...it's my LAST ROUND!!!

Did you hear that? LAST ROUND!!!  I've been prepared that this one will likely be rough as well, but I think mentally I will just be in such a better place knowing that it's over, and I don't have to do it again! I can't believe it's finally here.  When this all began, I apologized to everyone that there really has never been a summer that I have wished will go by fast, but I did this summer, and it absolutely has.  This last round is Wednesday and I have exactly one week to feel better before school pretty much begins! We have a big day for our 5th graders on the 21st that I'm so hoping I will be able to be at, and I start workshops on the 22nd.  So please keep me in your prayers for a speedy bounce back this round, and that I will be ready to go!

In this past week of feeling good, I've been able to finally sneak in some senior photo sessions, which has been so good too. I love doing that each summer and I've really missed it. I've managed to sneak in 5 sessions this week before this next round, and it has been so nice to get back to doing something I love! We also have been able to sneak in a day date to Vikings Training Camp, and just last night we took the girls to a Twins game.  We were gifted some pretty amazing seats through a caregiver support group Cullen is part of.  They were right behind the Twins dugout! It was so much fun, and we all had a blast! It's been SO important to me this summer that when I do feel well, we try to do as much as we can.  I know cancer has taken a lot from us this summer, but it has not ruined it at all.  We really have still been able to have a really great summer!

How about the hair?  Well when I've run into some people, I get the look that I can tell they are trying to figure out if it's my hair or my wig. I've been so fortunate that my hair has been hanging on.  It's super thin and feels totally different to me, and if the wind blows just right or it isn't parted just right I'm sure you can see some balder patches, but I've been able to hold on so far with my hair.  The wig is pretty hot, so I'm thankful for that for this summer.  It's just been such a wonderful blessing, to still just feel a little like myself. I think it's been so big for my kids too, to have me still just look like mom. I know they would've adjusted fine if I had lost it at all, but I'm so thankful for advances in technology that allow people to have this option.  I still have some shedding, but nothing like the week where it was coming out in clumps. That was just such an emotionally traumatic week.  

I was also able to finally set my surgery date for the day to get these awful tissue expanders out, and swap them for my permanent implants! October 9!!!  I have been looking forward to this day since I woke up from surgery back in April.  There really is no way to sugarcoat these bad boys.  They SUCK.  They do.  They are so uncomfortable.  They've made sleeping difficult.  They've made snuggling my babies, and having them sit on my lap and lay back on me difficult.  They've made my back sore.  They've made finding clothing to wear a bit difficult, where you don't see the indents they make on my skin.  They just are not fun.  There is no way around it.  I can't WAIT to get them out!  In fact, it was hard to push it to October, as I couldn't done it a month after chemo, but that would be right at the very beginning of the school year, and I know taking off a week of school so early isn't ideal for anyone.  So, we're fitting it in so I can recover around MEA break and miss a little less time, so I was super lucky to be able to schedule it then. I can't wait!!!  You better believe that date is marked HUGE on my calendar!

So here we are.  WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14..MY LAST DAY OF CHEMO!! Can you even believe it? I can't!!!  Thank you all so much for all of the prayers along the way. I can't believe we're to this point.  I think I've said it at the end of all of my posts here, but thank you all so, so much.  Thank you for the meals, for the cards, the flowers, the gifts, for the hugs, for helping with our kids, for supporting Cullen, for supporting my kids and for the prayers.  We wouldn't have made it this far without you all.  So if I could just ask for prayers this time that this last round goes smoothly, with little side effects and a speedy recovery so I will be ready to rock when school starts.  Also prayers that it happens on Wednesday. Beckett seems to have a bit of a cold, and I'm starting to panic a little that I will get it and things will be pushed back.  I think we're going to be just fine, but these are the things I think about now!  Enjoy your weekend! Some pics below of what we've been busy doing this summer, in between chemo! SUCK IT CANCER! You did not ruin our summer...not at all!

Twins game with the girls!

 Training camp day date!

 Family Beach Pic

 Cullen and I at the beach

 Beach with Avery and my Fighter hat

 Beach with my Harps

 Kids beach photo on the gorgeous white sand

Becks and I rocking matching hats!

What Makes A Woman?

What makes a woman? Clearly it's more than boobs and hair..but let's just chat about this a moment.  When I met with the lady at the wig store the other day, she said something that I've been thinking so much about.  She is a breast cancer survivor as well, and as I was sitting their crying my little eyes out, she said that while she was going through her battle, her oncologist told her something.  Cancer is a nasty beast.  It is ALL nasty.   ALL OF IT.  It is cruel and unforgiving.  Yet what makes breast cancer uniquely nasty in it's own way, is that it is such an assault on a woman's femininity.  This has stuck with me.  It is so, so true.  Those things that outwardly seem to define us as women...breasts, hair, weight...things we place so much value on and emphasis on what makes us a "beautiful woman" are all just assaulted.   Of course we can all say that as woman we are obviously so much more than that, and we are. We are moms, daughters, friends, sisters, warriors, teachers..the list goes on and on.  Clearly, we are SO much more than boobs, hair and a body.  But, if I'm being honest with myself, and I think many of you could agree right there with me, I do worry way too much about what I look like..my hair, my body, my weight, all of those things that supposedly define me, and that make me deem myself a "beautiful woman."

My dark roots start to show, I highlight my hair.  I start to put on some extra weight, I kick up the workouts or pay better attention to my eating.  I try to choose clothes that make me look thin, or show off the areas I want to emphasize.  The curves the breasts give the body of a woman.  All of these things I know I valued way more than I should.  That may make me sound shallow or vain, but I'm being real and I bet many of you are right there with me.  It's just the truth.   I challenge you to just think for a moment about how you would feel, faced with losing these parts of your identity as a woman.  It's breathtakingly difficult, and I think if anyone would say it isn't, you might not be being honest with yourself either.

The mastectomy took my boobs.  The medicine to fight the cancer is taking my hair. The steroids and the chemo are actually making me gain weight just because, so for someone that has battled food and body issues for much of my life, having no control over this is very, very hard.  So many people have said to me, "It's just hair" or "They're just boobs, you will get new ones!" If you've said this to me, or anyone else going through something like this, I know you mean well. I've probably said the same thing to someone.  Please don't feel the need to apologize for saying this.  I so appreciate the thought behind it.  I know how well intentioned it was, and I've probably joked about it myself.   But you guys, it is SO much more than hair.  It is SO much more than boobs.  When she said to me, "It's an assault on a women's femininity" it just struck a chord. It is so, so hard. I'm so blessed to have a husband, family and friends that I know love me all the same whether I'm bald, boobless, bigger, smaller, it doesn't matter.  But it doesn't take away the enormous difficulty of this part of the disease. It is HARD guys.  It's also so much more than just worrying about what I look like.  I'm really kind of getting past that.  It just goes so much deeper than that.

I shared these thoughts with my friend Jill this morning when she sent me a message and asked how I was doing emotionally...loaded question...ask carefully because if you catch me at the wrong moment...you get a rant like this lol! ;)  She shared some wise words back with me, and I hope she won't mind that I share with you as well, because I think she has a great challenge for all of us.  She said that while yes,  we are so much more than those things - those are the outward, visible things that define us as women.  They just are.  But, clearly who we truly are as women comes from within. So what can we do to spotlight and really focus on who we are?  Thinking about all of the hair, the makeup, the clothes, etc.  We put so much effort into that.  At least I know I do.   Are we putting as much effort into working on our inner beauty...like REALLY working on it?  It really made me think as well, and I challenge you all to think about this too.  Thanks for sharing these thoughts Jill.

For now, I'm trying my best to stay laser focused on the fact that despite all the havoc this nasty medicine is creating both inwardly and outwardly in my body right now, it is also working to destroy any nasty cancer in my body and hopefully protect my body from it ever returning.  THAT is the most important thing.  Because while I do miss my boobs, and the hair coming out in clumps is alarming, and the tighter pants and swelling face are definitely no fun to accept..at the end of the day my goal is to be here for my kids and my family, so I'm going to summon all of my inner badassedness (Yes, I made up this word, and no worries..I will not be adding it to my 5th grade vocab list this fall) to continue to battle this beast with all that I have. But, I do hope this has challenged you to think just a little bit about who you REALLY are as a woman, because I know we are all BADASS woman....no matter what kind of boobs, hair, body, skin, etc. that we all have, because really we are all SO MUCH MORE than that.  That is what I want my girls to see and those are the woman I want them to grow to become.


**Side note..my friend Jill who shared these thoughts with me, is also the mama of a very special student I had this year.  Griffin is a cancer warrior.  He has battled and he has prevailed.  He is incredibly strong.  He is brave, he is smart, he is kind, he is athletic...the list goes on and on.  But right now he is also scared.   He has some huge scans coming up on Monday so I know he and his family would appreciate any extra prayers you can send their way for peace this weekend as the worry of those scans can is beyond overwhelming.  I hate that any 12 year old has to endure this worry and fear. Also, please pray for NO CANCER to show up in any of those scans so he can get back to baseball, summer, and just being 12.