Big Appointment Day

The nerves are setting in. Tomorrow is a pretty big appointment day. I meet for the first time with my medical oncologist, Dr. Bloom. He will be my guy from here on out. He comes very highly recommended, and from what I’ve found, I feel like I will be in great hands. Before this cancer world, I didn’t realize the difference. Dr. Rueth was my surgical oncologist. Her job is to remove the cancer surgically. I also have an appointment with her tomorrow to talk about how surgery went and how I’m recovering. Then Dr. Bloom is the medical oncologist. He is in charge of treating it medically. I am hoping and praying with all that I have that I will not need chemo, and will be able to go forward with hormone therapy. The type of cancer I have seems to be a great fit for this type of treatment, so I’m praying that’s all I will need. It sounds like there will be another test needed to be run from the pathology from surgery to determine this exactly, and I’m hoping they will have those results tomorrow. I’m about as nervous for this appointment as I was for surgery.

This afternoon I’m off to meet with a physical therapist to get exercises to do that will hopefully help prevent any lymphedema, that is can often be a side effect of this surgery. On Friday, I go back in to the plastic surgery and could possibly get the first injections into the tissue expanders. It’s all such a process with so many appointments. Again, so thankful for all of the support we have in family and friends to help with these appointments, helping to get our kids where they need to be, etc. Also, just need to say a huge thank you to all of you that have dropped off meals. It has been such a gift to not have to worry about that, and to be able to sit and enjoy meals with my family. Again, all the cards and gifts that have come as well, I just don’t have enough thanks to explain how much your kind words and thoughts of support mean and how mucb they help. Thank you.

So for today, please say some bold prayers that my appointment goes well tomorrow, and that we get the news we’re so hoping for, that chemo won’t be needed on this journey. If I have to, I’ll get through it, I know that. But I’m  hoping and praying that it won’t be necessary.

The Roller Coaster of Recovery

Recovery...so how's it going? To be honest, it's been a bit of a roller coaster, which I suppose I should get used to.  Today, I'm 10 days post surgery.   The first few days home, I was feeling actually really good, feeling pretty proud of myself for how I was handling everything.  It wasn't as awful as I expected it to be.  I was really able to be up, walking around a bit, really able to care for myself for the most part, from pretty much day two.   I've never been so thankful for my little baby ab muscles! They have been a huge piece.  Being able to use my abs and legs to help me adjust, stand up, etc. has been really important.

Sleep the first night was scary, but I'd read that a recliner was best, so that's what I did. I also decided that first night to just let myself sleep, so I didn't wake up to take my meds.  Bad idea.  I woke that morning at about 5 and was in quite a lot of pain.  I hadn't had any Tylenol for about 7 hours, so I was hurting.  From then on, I've set an alarm now to wake up to take my Tylenol and just stay on my plan for that, and that has helped a ton.  I just set the alarm, have the Tylenol right there, wake up , take it, and back to sleep.  The worst trouble I had that first morning also was just a headache. The sleeping in the recliner thing, with your head only being able to turn so many ways, got to me.  I had to figure out a bit of a better plan for that in the next nights.

I know I've shared earlier that I'm super sensitive to pain meds. I blame my dad. ;) He is the same way, as is my sister.  I had to take Vicodin when I was 18 and it made me so, so sick, I've never taken anything since. I really thought I'd have to try something this time, but after getting so sick in the hospital on the med they gave me, I knew I'd rather not.  So I've just been using Tylenol, and it has been great.  They did prescribe a muscle relaxer called Robaxin, that isn't a narcotic and doesn't make me sick. So I can take that as needed if I start to have spasms in my chest or it gets really tight, but I haven't needed it too much, and thankfully it doesn't make me sick. Those two things have pretty much made me comfortable for the most part. I think not taking the narcotic has actually really, really helped me feel good in this recovery.  I don't feel too groggy at all, and have more energy to get up and move around, get outside, etc. when I'm feeling up to it.

On Sunday, I was able to wash my hair which felt amazing. I just did a little flip over the sink and I thought Cullen was going to have to do it all, but I actually ha pretty good range of motion in my right arm at that point. My left was quite a bit more sore, as I had a lot of breast tissue in my armpit area she removed, so that's much more sore, but it was still workable.  It felt AMAZING.  I was able to get cleaned up, and get over to my parents house to celebrate Easter. It was a beautiful day, and I got outside with my kids while they hunted eggs, watched them try out their new fishing poles, swing the bat a bit, and just enjoy the outside with them.  I never thought I'd be able to do that on day 3. So thankful.  LISTEN TO YOUR BODY though! When I got home, I was tired. I went up to take a little nap, and tried out my bed for the nap, since it was a short time, and it felt wonderful. I just propped myself up a bit with pillows and it was fine for a little nap.  The craziest thing that night was when the itching started.  Holy Cow! That was insane.  It was such an intense itch, right where my boobs should be, so there as no way to itch it.  It sounds like it's just a part of nerves trying to figure out what was going on, but it was NOT fun.  I did my best to try to find anything to distract myself, and it eventually passed, but it was rough.

Day 4 I also attempted my first full shower.  Oh boy.   It was time, but I was terrified.  I had the go ahead to shower 48 hours after surgery, but I couldn't. There were a few reasons one. The big one..I was TERRIFIED to take off the bra I've had on since the morning after surgery.  It was compressing my chest and felt good that way, and I was not ready to see the damage.  Reason two was that I was really nervous about navigating the drains.  Drains SUCK.   But, my stank overcame my fear! I've said SO many times how thankful I am to have such an amazingly supportive partner to go through this with. Cullen has been beyond amazing.  I'm not going to lie, standing in the bathroom, ready to take that bra off, I cried.  I really don't care that much what it looks like. I mean, it's always going to be covered up, but something about seeing it was so scary.  But I did it.  It wasn't as awful as I thought.  Though I didn't look in the mirror yet.  Just not ready for that yet. Once I got my drains hooked around the little tie around my neck they gave me, it was on and it felt amazing, and I no longer attracted flies.

The days went by pretty much like that.  On Thursday my mom took me to lunch and to get pedicures so that was awesome. It felt so good to get out and feel a little normal!  On Friday, I had my first follow up with my plastic surgeon and got my drains out! AMAZING! It felt so good to get those awful things out of me.  I also met up with some coworkers for a little bit after school and it was great to get out and see some friends too.

Then Saturday came.  It was a rough day.  Probably my worst one yet.  I got up in the morning and when I moved my arms to adjust my ponytail, I felt this awful zinging in by right boob.  I feel like I have a pretty strong pain tolerance, and it was through the roof. I got up, and bent down to give Beckett a little kiss on the head, as he was laying on the couch, and it did it again and about dropped me to my knees. I was so scared that I had done something, but after a little research, I'm pretty positive it's more nerve stuff.  We were headed to run a few errands, and I just had to move so, so carefully.  It felt like all the progress I'd made with range of motion, went about 10 steps backwards. I felt as fragile as I had since the very first day. It was frustrating and defeating.  It got a little better as the day went on, but it would randomly happen every so often.  Couple that with the constant feeling that the expander is digging into my ribs, and it was a tough, tough day.

It was also shower day again.  Those are my toughest times right now.  I feel okay when I'm all clothed and covered up, but taking off bra, and putting it all out there is just an entire different thing. It feels so exposed and vulnerable.  I've looked down at the damage, but haven't braved the mirror yet. I'll get there one day. But I've looked down at my chest..and cried.  I think I've cried with every shower I've taken.  My chest is wrinkled, dented, you can see the expanders digging in.  There is extra skin, for when they expand.  It really isn't a vain thing. I really don't care about that.  I have an amazing husband who loves me no matter what, and I know that.  I know that these scars mean the cancer is out of my body, and for that I am so grateful.  But it's hard.  It's rough right now.  The emotions are so raw and new. I know one day I will wear these scars with honor and pride. I know that and I'm excited for that.  But for now, I'm just not quite ready to face the mirror.

So as that day came to an end, I let myself have a little pity party.  It was just like a big, slap in the face reminder that this sucks.  It is so much more than recovering from a surgery.  It's cancer.  It is such a huge process.  I'm tired of sleeping in a recliner. I just want to be in my own bed, with my husband.  It's lonely sleeping downstairs overnight by myself.  As comfortable as the recliner is, I'm tired of sleeping there.  But, these tissue expanders are ridiculously uncomfortable. It feels like I'm wearing a bra that weighs about 20 pounds,  and has an underwire that constantly is digging into my ribs, except it isn't a bra and I can't take it off.  When I lay in my bed, it is just too uncomfortable right now.  I can handle it, I can. But the thought of having to get used to this for MONTHS, just put me in sad place yesterday.  If I have to have chemo, it could be even longer.  At this point right now, I'm wondering if these expanders are worth it.  They're filled to 200cc right now, so there is a little something there. I jokingly told my surgeon on Friday, that I'm just good with that!  I've had big boobs my whole life. They're way overrated! I don't need them. I told him we could just swap these out as soon as possible and I'll be good with that!  He kind of laughed and told me to just give it a little time, as I was only a week out of surgery.

Thankfully, today is a new day.  The zinging has subsided quite a bit, so I feel a little better.  The weight and the digging is still there, but I feel like I'm just going to have to get used to it, as ridiculous as that sounds.  Many brave, strong women have done it before me, so I know I can too.  Cullen and I went to church this morning and heard an amazing message about living bold.  It was so great to sit and listen to.  The pastor talked about how God might be speaking to you, to help you find your way to live bold, and step out of your comfort zone.  As I was thinking about it later, for me, I think it's this.  I do.  If someone, somewhere finds some comfort or help in this and all of my crazy thoughts,  it will be worth it to me. My growth and development in my faith is a journey.  Dealing with this cancer is a journey. Heck, figuring out life is a journey.  I know these thoughts are personal.  But I'm okay with that.   If I can help someone feel not so alone, even for a minute, then I'm so glad to put this out there.

With that, for those of you that may not know, my dad is going through cancer as well, and has a big appointment tomorrow.  If you could spare some prayers tonight for him, that he has good reports from his scans, and that nothing new is growing, that would be amazing.  He has battled for over 10 years and is doing pretty well, but scan time is always scary, and I'd really appreciate the prayers.  Dang...cancer freaking sucks.

The Hearts of Kids

I have had so many people say to me, "Why don't you just take the rest of the year off?"  I know they're looking out for me, thinking the extra rest would be best.  Though for me, getting to end the year with my kids would be the best thing.  I tell you, I have said so many times, this year especially, how much I LOVE my job. I truly do.  I loved it before any of this happened.  Teaching is the best. It can also be so extremely challenging, don't get me wrong, but it is so, so much fun and so rewarding.  I have taught so many grade levels and loved them all, but the past two years in 5th grade, I absolutely LOVE going to work each day.  I have found the place where I belong.  So the thought of missing the entire rest of the year with my kids makes me so, so sad. I really, really hope that isn't the case, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic that I'm going to get back for the last couple weeks with them.

This. This is why. This came in the mail today from one of my sweet students.  This is what I have waiting for me back at school.  Kids like this, with hearts like this.  Who wouldn't want to get back to that? Is this not just the most thoughtful, heartfelt, caring thing? Seriously.  I messaged her mom immediately to let her know what an incredible child she has.  Now,  I don't feel right keeping this poor child's money. I'll find a way to get it back to her. But the thought behind this reminds me so much of why I do what I do, why I love it so much, and why I have the greatest job in the world.  Who wouldn't want to spend their days with kids with hearts like this? I was all set to write about my recovery today, and I might later, but this won for now.  It needed to be shared.  We just don't often give kids enough credit.  We often hear about the negative.  But I tell you, kids are the very best and I thank my lucky stars that I have a job that allows me to hang out with people like this all day.

Peace Out Boobs...and Tumor!

A big reason I started writing here was to get my thoughts out, document this adventure, and hope that it might help others one day.  When I was looking up things about what to expect, I wanted to read things that people wrote, that actually had been through it. I wanted the raw, the real, the good, the bad and the ugly.  I wanted to know how to prepare and what to expect. So that's what this post is all about...the surgery and how it's been going after.  It might be more information than you want to know, so you won't hurt my feelings if you skip right over this entry. ;) Here we go.

Wednesday night before I went to bed I had to shower and scrub with this special, antiseptic soap called Hibicleanse. It smelled pretty awful.  My directions were also to scrub from chin to toes, and scrub the surgical area for 5 minutes.  Standing in the shower scrubbing my boobs for 5 minutes each was really not what I wanted to be doing, but I guess in a weird way, it was a time for me to spend a little last minute, quality time with "the girls".  I kind of looked at it like Marie Kondo and the whole Tidying Up trend.  I thanked them for their service, for feeding my three babies, but they most definitely no longer bring me joy, so I told them it's time for them to go. I had to do the same thing Thursday morning.  We had to be at the hospital at 9:15, and I was so worried about being late, we got there at about 8:30.  I wore my camo pants, taking the hint from my amazing coworkers, and I prepared to head into this bear hunt ready to fight!

Camo pants on, ready for battle (Also, they're the softest, coziest pants I have!) Check them out at my  friends shop, Grace + Gumption!

The first thing I had to do was the sentinel node mapping. Basically they had to inject blue, radioactive dye into my breast.  This would flow into the nodes, and my surgeon used some special device in surgery to see that, and locate the sentinel node, to do what she needed to do.  I'm not sure all of the details of this.  It was fairly painless and very quick. Then we had to go meet with a few other registration people. I jokingly told Cullen I kind of felt like we were on the Amazing Race, as we went from place to place.  Finally we landed in our final waiting room, and that's when I had to go back without Cullen.  This part sucked.  They took me back to get my iv in, but there was a lot of waiting around, and with nobody to chat with and distract me, and not much phone service to keep me occupied, I was left with my thoughts, which wasn't the best place to be at that moment.  I was also freezing, and so I was not looking forward to stripping down to just the gown, but they had this incredible device that pumped hot air into my gown! I inflated like a superhero, and was instantly warm. It helped with the nerves a lot too.  The nurse taking care of me was pretty sweet, but she had a Green Bay Packers clip on her lanyard.  After we clarified where we both stood on our teams, discussed our trips to Lambeau, we agreed we could still be friends. She was great.  After about an hour, Cullen, my mom and dad got to come back in and hang out until it was go time. 

My surgeons came in an explained one last time how things would go, the anesthesiologist and then the nurse anesthetist came in.  He gave me something that he said would feel like I've had a couple glasses of wine. Whoa.  I told him I could've used that the week before!  He also lovingly referred to my parents as "Team Mary and Larry." I don't remember much after that.  The last thing I actually really remember is him telling me that at that moment, I was the most important thing in his world.  That was a comforting thought as I was being wheeled off.  After quick goodbyes and good lucks from my parents and Cullen, that was it.

This photo must've been after the "wine" shot, because I don't remember Cullen taking it. I really didn't want many photos that day, but looking back, I'm so glad he snapped a few. He knows me too well. 

Surgery started pretty much as scheduled at 11:30 and the next thing I know, I was in recovery and Cullen was telling me that there was no cancer in my lymph nodes.  I just remember crying, and being so overwhelmed and filled with gratitude.  He said he got worried because I kept asking him over and over, but I remember clearly, I just needed to keep hearing it.  I think surgery lasted about 4 hours.  They got me back up to my room, and I remember my mom and dad being there, but I do remember that I could hardly keep my eyes open. I was so tired, and I think the anesthesia just hit me really hard. I'd never had to be under that long before. I'm also super, super sensitive to pain meds, so I think that anesthesia really took a toll on me.  Sweet Cullen ran down to Panera and came back with a smoothie, my favorite soup, bread, basically anything to try to help me get something in my stomach, but I could hardly keep my eyes open, let alone eat.  I felt so nauseous.  They were giving me some pain med in my iv, but I think it was making me worse.  Then they tried a muscle relaxer that was supposed to help relax my chest muscles, but that made me throw up too.  It was rough. I just so badly wanted to sleep, but between coming in for meds, emptying my drains and checking vitals, sleep was hard to come by. It was a rough night.  

Trying so hard to feel better...and my A+ nurse 

Cullen thought it was funny that I earned the title of "Fall Risk" after my first rocky go round of getting up.

The next morning, I still felt pretty terrible. The only thing I could think was, how in the heck do they think I can go home today? They had kept saying just one night, but I couldn't even stand.  My surgeons both checked in and said things looked good.  They took the catheter out and wanted me to try to stand up to walk.  I still was feeling so crazy tired, nauseous and light headed, I only got a few steps out of my room and had to lay back down.  I was pretty defeated at this point, thinking I was going to be stuck there for awhile.  But, my surgeon had said that by afternoon I should start to feel better.  As the morning went on, I did slowly start to feel better. I think now, I really just needed the anesthesia to wear off, and get the nasty pain meds out of my system.  Tylenol from here on out for this chick.  No bueno on those narcotics.  Cullen declared I would definitely not make a good druggie! By late morning, I was able to eat some soup from Panera, and made it a whole lap around the nurse area outside of my room.  The nurse also wanted to get me in the bra that my surgeon had me get. This meant taking off my bandages.  I was NOT ready for that.  I couldn't look. I still haven't crossed that bridge yet, but I will.  Soon enough.  Surprisingly, with the expanders in,  I do have little baby boobs right now. Which is better than I was expecting..I'm just not ready to see them in all their glory just yet.  But when you've had big boobs your whole life, and so often felt like all boobs, it's kind of a nice feeling to not have that going on.  Trying to find those positives! 

After that, my sweet hubby brushed my hair for me! I was feeing pretty gross and definitely rocking some Harper-level bedhead.  He's too funny. His mom was a hair stylist, so he basically said as the son of a professional, I got first rate service.  We took another few laps around, and this time I even got to switch from red socks to blue socks, which meant we could take our laps on our own! Freedom! After these few laps, I was feeling so much better and ready to bust out of this place and get.home. to rest and recover.

Black robe is the Miena robe from www.anaono.com. I can't recommend it enough! It is ridiculously soft, and has a soft, comfortable belt on the inside with little pouches to hold the drains.  The nurses were amazed, and it is the softest and coziest thing ever.  It feels a little luxurious, and it's super functional. If you ever find yourself having to go through this, this would be my first purchase.

So we got all of our discharge directions, and were headed home! Wahoo!  The thing I was the most nervous about was the drains.  Like I've said before, if admin doesn't work out for Cullen, he could go into nursing.  He has been AMAZING.  He listened, got all of the directions on how to care for them, empty them, etc. and has taken the absolute best care of me.  It really was ridiculously hard to believe that less that 24 hours after my surgery finished, I was heading home.  It was also crazy how much better I felt from about 6 in the morning, when I couldn't even stand, to about 2 when I was going home.  What a crazy difference those few hours made.

This pillow is the other best thing I've had, and I can't link it anywhere, because my wonderful aunt Rachel made it for me!  So, find yourself a sweet aunt that can sew because this thing has been a lifesaver! It helped a ton in the car, with the seatbelt.  Sitting in a chair or laying in a recliner, it hugs you and lets you prop your arms up. It's awesome.  It's like a mastectomy Boppy pillow! 

So there we are, that's pretty much how my surgery went down.  I am SO beyond glad that giant step is over, but most thankful of all for the news that my lymph nodes were clear.  I have a lot of answers still left to figure out. I'm currently waiting on a call from my surgical oncologist as I type this with the final pathology report from surgery. I have a big appointment on April 30 with my surgeon, and my oncologist who I will be seeing.  This will determine the next steps as far as chemo, no chemo, medicines, etc.  I don't know what that will bring yet.  But right now,  I'm choosing to celebrate that the tumor is out, and this major surgery is OVER.  I can't explain what it's like to sit for 5 weeks knowing the cancer is in there, knowing you have this life changing, major surgery coming up, now having answers, etc. It has been terrible.  So having this step done, and being able to move forward with a plan is just huge right now.  

This got super long, so I'll leave it here for now, and post another a bit later talking about my recovery so far, and how that's going...but preview, it's not as awful as I feared it would be.  I just want to say that because most of the information and blogs I found when researching what to expect, talked about how awful this whole surgery is.  I was so scared.  While it definitely still sucks and isn't painless, and I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, it's been okay.  Honestly, the actual surgery was not as horrible as I think I was expecting, and I feel like it would've helped me a bit going in if I might've found a few people that said it wasn't completely horrible.  Though I do think mindset helps a lot.  My fears and anxiety eased a lot on Wednesday when I stopped looking at this as getting my boobs cut off, and started looking at is as getting the cancer out of my body.  Then it didn't sound so bad, because I don't know about you, but I'll do whatever it takes to get that crap out of me.  If it means losing my boobs and going through this to get it out, then it's all worth it to me.  Gratitude.  So.much.gratitude.

The Day is Here

Well this is it.  Tomorrow is the day. I am so anxious to just get this over with, it can't get here soon enough.  Please pray bold prayers that surgery goes well, and most importantly that this cancer is all contained to my breast.  We are praying for the best possible news.  I feel good about things right now. I really do. It's amazing what a week can do. I was in a bad place last week. I really was.  I was terrified, and had let my mind go to the worst places.  5 weeks is a long time to wait for answers and for this next step.  It's so easy to let your mind think of all the awful things. I have definitely done that.  But since Sunday, I've really felt a sense of peace.  I know a large part of that is the support, prayers and love from all of you.

Cullen and I went to a group through Hosanna Church called Pray for the Cure on Monday night, and it moved us beyond.  The peace and comfort it brought was hard to put into words.  Again, when I checked into this, after hearing the sermon on Sunday, it turns out they meet the 3rd Monday of each month, which "coincidentally" was Monday. I don't think it was a coincidence that this took place the week of my surgery, and that our schedules were clear to allow us to go.  I'll share more about that another time, as we definitely plan to go again.

But the support...I have been overwhelmed in the most wonderful way by the support from my family, friends, coworkers, students, families, etc.  I feel it. I do.  Today when I walked into school, I started to notice my coworkers wearing camouflage.  It turns out, they dressed to "Go on a Bear Hunt" with me. I love it.  Then, they had the most beautiful cake with a perfect message, for me at lunch.  (This was balanced out by some awesome boob cupcakes my sweet friend Amy brought over for me after school! They were equally as awesome and the kids thought it was pretty funny!)  I had more heartfelt cards and notes from kids, hugs, and well wishes.  At the end of the day, my boss and some coworkers said the most beautiful prayers over me.  Remember when I shared about timing? Yeah, I'm most definitely in the right place to be going through this.  I know I am.  I also had a special little student dressed head to toe in pink for me today.  I've mentioned I have the MOST compassionate group of students this year.  They are amazingly kind and insightful.  When this group of kids was in first grade, one of their classmates was diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma, and he has been through more than you could imagine.   He is tougher than you should have to be in fifth grade.  Then in second grade, they had another classmate diagnosed with another rare form of cancer.  He too is a warrior.  These boys have been through more than they should have to have ever gone through in their young lives.  They have been through surgeries, aggressive treatments, pain and so much more.  They both have huge hearts and wise souls.

Their classmates have been right there supporting them over the years.  They are both in my class this year.  Today, I asked these two little guys for any words of wisdom or advice.  One of them told me, "Try not to worry."  The other one said, "Believe."  I told you they were wise.  I told them if I can battle this with half of the strength and courage they've shown over the years, I'll be good.  We snapped a photo this afternoon.  They really are a huge inspiration for me.  This is a special bunch y'all.  I'm going to miss all of these kids like CRAZY the next few weeks.  People keep telling me to just take the rest of the year off.  But what some may not understand is that I LOVE my job.   I LOVE it.  I love getting to go to work with my coworkers  and these kids each day. It is truly a blessing, and I believe getting back to it will help me to get well.  I'm going to hope with everything that I get to get back to them before the end of the year.

So with that, this is the last blog I'll write with these boobs on my chest! ;) Tomorrow is the day. I'm heading up to go snuggle my kids, squeeze them tight, say lots of prayers, and get this show on the road tomorrow.  Surgery is supposed to start around 11 and should be about 4 hours.   This verse was shared with me today by two separate people.  It's perfect.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.

Thanks to ALL of you for your support and love. I feel it. I really do. Please say some extra prayers tomorrow again, for a smooth surgery and the cancer is all contained to my breast and hasn't spread.  Thank you so much.

My fave little cancer warriors

My awesome coworkers in their camo for our bear hunt - "Can't go over it, can't go under it, got to go through it."

The sweet cake made by my coworker Anne

My Doctor and the Purple Crayon

Another day...another doc! This post was inspired by a children’s book I love, Harold and the Purple Crayon. I thought I’d capture the beauty of this sweet little outfit I seem to be spending so much time in lately. The robe. It seems like every other day I’m in one of these, showing off the goods to anybody who wants to see! 🤣 So glad to be going through this on the other side of birthing and nursing three babies, where most modesty is out the window. 😳 Today I got marked for surgery, so my boobs currently look like Beckett got hold of them with a purple marker. 🖍🤣 I also got some more initials on them today. Oh boy.  I really should start asking for beads!

In My Boat

I said I was going to be keeping this blog real. A place for my thoughts, that might one day help my girls, or someone else that finds themselves in this place.  So let's talk faith. This is going be a long one..you've been warned. Also, I'm not super comfortable with talking about this part of my life, so hang with me.  This is a big step for me, but I really do feel I need to share this today. I have to imagine I'm not alone in how I've been feeling.  I'm a Christian. I have a strong faith, and a strong belief in God.  With that said, we definitely haven't been the best about getting to church regularly. We always had excuses.  The kids were little and hard to manage.  We have had a infant or a toddler age child at some point for about the last 11 years.  We're busy.  Often times Sundays are the only day we don't have to be somewhere between Cullen having events, photography for me, or sports for Avery.  We like to sleep in.  I'll be honest.  It was nice to have a day we didn't have to set an alarm.  Excuses excuses.  So church took a back seat.  But I've always truly believed that church doesn't have to be a building.  Our church was our slow, Sunday morning snuggles in bed as a family, or cheering on Avery at a basketball tournament, or making and having breakfast together in our jammies.  This felt okay to me.  I have never been one to want to attend church, just to say I did.  I want it to mean something.  I want to feel something.   There were a few years in there where we were attending pretty regularly, but I often struggled to get much out of it, and I honestly I did start to feel like we were just kind of attending, just so we could say we did.  That didn't seem right.   I guess that's where it kind of changed, and we started attending less regularly.  But even though we didn't attend conventional church regularly, my faith in God didn't go anywhere. I believe, I pray, and consider myself to have a pretty strong faith.

Fast forward to this last month.  I've struggled. I really have.  I haven't really struggled with the, "Why me?" But I definitely have struggled with the, "Why right now?"  I know I shared before that the timing of this is okay for lots of reasons,  but the one part that isn't okay with me, is why couldn't this have happened 20 or 30 years from now? My kids are so little.  They are babies that need their mama.  I've struggled and I've talked to God.  The questions I've had are - Why couldn't this have happened when my kids are grown?  I can do this God, but why right now?  Please God let me raise my kids.  Please don't take their mom away from them yet. - Those are my honest thoughts and struggles. So many people have told me that I have to turn it over to Him, and that He has a plan. I get it. I have probably said the same thing to someone.  But let me tell you, it is so much easier to say, than to do, when you're actually faced with it.  I'm trying SO hard to do that. I want to do that more than anything.  But it is so hard to just trust and accept His plan, when there is a possibility that that plan leaves my babies without a mom.  That thought terrifies me to no end. So it's been really hard for me to get to a place where I can truly turn it over to God.

This weekend I told Cullen we have got to get back to church. I need God right now, and I need help with it. I want to get to that place of complete trust so badly, but I'm not going to be able to get there on my own.  I need some guidance.  We weren't able to get to church yesterday, but I did watch online.  Hosanna is doing a 6 week series on miracles.  The sermon yesterday was about how God provides. It was wonderful.  She also made reference to the sermon from last week, and said it was about healing. I knew I needed to hear it. So later yesterday, I watched that one as well.  Wow.  Talk about hearing exactly what you needed to hear.  Pastor Ryan had a friend join him on stage, who shared about some physical healing he has been a part of, but also his spiritual healing.  He talked about how he felt like he'd been playing the "Holy Pokey."  He had one foot in, truly believing and trusting, and then would doubt would creep in and he'd have one foot out..and so on.  It so spoke to me.  It was exactly how I was feeling.   How ironic is the timing of me seeking this out, and the sermon was about a cancer survivor learning how to fully trust in God? I don't think that was a coincidence.  Anyway, I knew I needed to hear the rest of this series.

So last night I watched another sermon in the series.  Pastor Julia told the story from John 6: 15-21 about how Jesus' disciples were caught in a storm at sea and they were exhausted and fearing for their lives, when they saw Jesus walking on water towards them.  At first they were afraid. They thought he was a spirit.  How is it possible someone could be walking on water. It didn't make sense to them.  But he told them not to be afraid, and then they trusted him and invited him into their boat.  As soon as they did that, they arrived safely at shore.  I remember hearing this story before as a child in Sunday School, but I'd never really thought about it.  The way I heard it yesterday was completely different.  I am the one in the boat. I am the one afraid. Cancer is my storm. I am the one struggling with how to truly let Jesus in and trust that he will deliver me safely to the other side of this storm.  I sat for awhile after hearing this message and just let it sink in, and I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a few weeks.  I shared this with Cullen too, and he is on his way working through this series as well. I know I still have a lot to figure out.  I definitely still struggle with the fear of this not being okay and not being here for my kids. That isn't going to go away in an instant.  I'm a mom and a real human. I think it's only natural. But it is a little crazy how much better I do feel now.  My prayers last night and this morning were different.  I've asked Jesus to get in my boat, and I really do feel like he'll get me safely to the shore of this storm..this surgery, this cancer...if I just trust Him.

When I got to school this morning, I had two sweet kids bring me down a gift.  They had made me a blanket and got me a whole series of books that I haven't read yet, to read during my recovery. It was the sweetest and they know me so well.  But, as I was looking at the blanket later, I flipped it over and saw that it was embroidered.  It says, "Be stronger than the storm." After last night, that was the message I saw today.  I had goosebumps.  I don't think that was a coincidence either. I think God really wants to be sure that I let Him in this boat, and keep Him in it with me and He wants me to know that He will get me through this storm if I can just trust him.  Here is a link to the Miracles series through Hosanna, if you wanted to catch any of these sermons for yourself.  The ones I've referred to here are weeks 4, 5 and 6.  https://www.hosannalc.org/series/?name=miracles